


At Death Do We Start

by charmandhex



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Background Blupjeans Sweet Flips Hurloane, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-typical language, Famous last words: I thought this would be a oneshot, Happy Ending, M/M, Please enjoy this fic that rapidly spiraled out of control, Post-Canon, Taakitz Week
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2020-11-25 23:36:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 53,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20920508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmandhex/pseuds/charmandhex
Summary: Taako and Kravitz are getting married. Except, well, there’s a little bit of a wrinkle. A tiny hiccup. The planar system’s smallest monkey wrench.The thing is, the whole “alive/dead” thing is kind of a problem vis a vis ancient death rules. To beat the system, the Raven Queen’s got a fetch quest that’s a little more complicated than your usual wedding “something old, something blue” and a little more urgent than your standard save the date. Good thing Tres Horny Boys have a whole year of relevant job experience in finding things, because Taako, and everyone else for that matter, has his work cut out for him well before any wedding cake’s getting cut.Turns out getting married is a little more complicated when your relationship is less “Til Death Do Us Part” and more “At Death Do We Start.”





	1. The World's Worst Engagement Present

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote/am writing this fic for Taakitz Week! Some of the initial idea was inspired by the Day One prompts: action/adventure, jar of bees, "Do you trust me?"
> 
> I do not consent to having my work hosted on any unofficial apps, particularly those with ad revenue or subscription services.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding planning can be tough, but at least it usually doesn’t go from engagement party to adventuring party, right?
> 
> Kravitz has a fiancé. The Raven Queen has the world’s worst engagement present. Taako has his work cut out for him.

We open not in the plane that so many of us know, but in the one following. The sky of the Astral Plane is dark, but soft, dancing with the fond echoes of stars seen in life. We pan down, the world growing brighter as we descend lower, to the surface of the Sea of Souls. The waters rise and fall with endless waves, and the surface near constantly breaks with the light of a joyful soul taking flight. In the distance is the Eternal Stockade, from here nothing more than a thin black tower. And then we are flying over the surface of the water, so close as to be skimming the ever-changing surface, flickering with the light of the multicolored souls. We soar over the sea, passing by a small island with the beginnings of a small, comfortable cottage, as we head straight to the Eternal Stockade.

And then we are inside, in an antechamber of sorts, shining black marble lit from within. Two immense doors mark the entry to the throne room of the Raven Queen. We can hear neither laughter from those free nor the sighs of those still learning to repent, but the room is not quiet. For we are not the only ones here.

Kravitz, one of the Raven Queen’s longest-serving and dearest Reapers, is impeccably dressed, as you might expect, in a dark suit under a cape shining with even darker feathers. For the moment the Reaper looks almost human, almost living, with sharp jaw, soft hair, and chest rising and falling with restored habit. And for the moment, the Grim Reaper that so many necromancers fear is absent; his scythe is absent, his hands are free, and his attention is, well, otherwise occupied.

“Taako, babe, please. Just, just come with me.” Kravitz pleads with his partner, lower lip jutting out just the smallest bit. “Everything will be fine. Please. Don’t you trust me?”

With Kravitz is an elf, unmistakable from the tip of his pointed hat to his voice as he says, “Of- of course _I trust you_, bones.” Taako shakes his head, braid swishing as he does. “Just, uh, just- you know- goddess. _Your_ goddess. Listen, I know we said tell the families, but-” Taako moves his left hand, and the ethereal light of the room sparkles off a sapphire set into a band around the fourth finger of his left hand.

It’s then that we notice Kravitz’s own ring, a flash of pink, a matched set.

Taako and Kravitz speak, their voices low. Kravitz takes Taako’s hand and raises it to his lips. A flush of pink paints Taako’s freckled skin, and he counters, kissing his fiancé squarely on the mouth. With quiet laughter and loving grins, they settle, the unease of the moment falling off as freely as the souls outside jump and fall back into the sea. They turn, hand in hand, resolute.

As though the Eternal Stockade itself had been waiting for this moment, the two enormous doors open, and Kravitz and Taako, the latter a half step behind, enter.

* * *

Listen. Taako isn’t, uh, exactly unfamiliar with gods and goddesses and deities in general at this point, having met Istus a few times and at least been in the room when Merle’s had Pan on speakerstone. And he’d seen the doors they’d passed through, something like four or five stories high. So you’d think he’d be prepared.

But the Raven Queen is huge. She’s sitting on her throne, which from here looks to be made of bone (and probably is, though what kind, Taako has no idea), and standing in the back of the room is really the only way Taako would be able to tilt his head far back enough to look her in the eyes. And he’d still nearly lose his hat in the process.

Kravitz squeezes his hand reassuringly though, and Taako follows his new fiancé forward, trying not to stare but as conscious of the Raven Queen as a small vole before an actual raven. She’s pale, as no living being is, with dark hair falling loose to nearly the floor at her feet. She’s wearing a gown that shimmers black, and, as they approach, Taako is able to see that this too is feathered, like Kravitz’s cloak. She’s wearing a bone white crown that flows smoothly into a mask like a raven’s skull that obscures her face. Taako can’t see her eyes, but he can feel them like a physical weight.

It’s Kravitz’s hand, warm, astonishingly so, in his that keeps him moving forward even as he nearly stumbles in the presence of the goddess. And he continues following Kravitz, far closer than most, living or dead, would dare approach. They reach the base of the throne. The now empty throne.

Taako blinks.

KRAVITZ. A voice scraping like a shovel against freshly turned over earth, but surprisingly warm, enters Taako’s ears. The goddess, now not much taller than the pair, stands before them. AND TAAKO.

Taako now knows what color the Raven Queen’s eyes are. Brown. Dark brown. He’s not certain that he likes having this knowledge. Taako looks to Kravitz. “Should- should we- should I- bow?” He hisses quietly. He is trying to make a good impression on his future goddess-in-law after all.

“Don’t- don’t worry,” Kravitz whispers back with a smile. He lets go of Taako’s hands and approaches the goddess. She rests her own hands on Kravitz’s shoulders, peering at him, carefully studying. It’s birdlike, almost comical, the way she tilts her head. But then her gaze turns to Taako. _Almost_ comical. Kravitz looks back to him as well and reaches out a hand again. Taako takes the few, impossibly long steps forward.

Yeah, you know, Taako’s starting to think that Kravitz had the easier family introduction when Lup broke out of the umbrella all lich mode and called him Ghost Rider.

Then hands colder than even Kravitz’s had been settle on Taako’s shoulders and those eyes like amber fire are fixed squarely on his own. Taako tries not to blink as it seems like the Raven Queen searches through his soul, talons turning over every fault, every failure, weighing his soul against some intangible feather.

Her hands retract. Taako takes a step back, blinking, and Kravitz steadies him. Oh, _shit_.

The Raven Queen claps hands as pale as death together. I LOVE HIM. She declares.

“What?” Taako asks, bemused for a moment, before it settles in. “Hell yeah!” He says, carefully elbowing Kravitz. “Taako’s in! I mean, uh, _natch_, of course I am, but it’s official now!”

“Thank you, My Lady,” Kravitz says, bowing.

“I thought you said no bowing!” Despite the Raven Queen’s approval, Taako’s voice rises in panic at the end.

“No, no, you’re good, Taako.” Kravitz reassures.

YOU ARE GOOD, TAAKO.

“Oh… cool.”

“Ah. My Lady.” Now it’s Kravitz who looks nervous, and Taako takes his hand. “Um. I came here to introduce you to Taako more, more formally than his… visit.”

AND MORE THAN HIS PREVIOUS DEATHS. Taako looks at Kravitz. Kravitz’s eyes flick to Taako. THAT WAS A JOKE. WHY ARE YOU NOT LAUGHING? WAS IT NOT FUNNY?

“Yes, it- of course it was. Ha.” Kravitz attempts a very weak laugh as both Taako and the Raven Queen stare.

I WILL LATER ASK LUP IF IT WAS FUNNY.

“Really, it’s- ah. Anyway. My Lady. While I brought Taako here to meet you, I- _we_ have some other news for you as well.” Kravitz takes in a breath. Taako watches the goddess. “We’re getting married.”

The Raven Queen doesn’t blink. Taako doesn’t know why he thought she might.

OH.

“Oh?”

“Is that good?” Taako hisses at Kravitz.

“I don’t know!” Kravitz hisses back.

IT IS… KRAVITZ. There’s something strange in the Raven Queen’s voice, a discordant caw hidden in the flapping of countless wings. YOU ARE MY REAPER, MY SON, DEARLY BELOVED. AND YOU ARE DEAD.

“We-ell, mostly.” Taako waves a hand in a here nor there gesture.

YOU ARE DEAD, AND TAAKO IS LIVING. THAT… COMPLICATES MATTERS.

“Complicates matters?” Kravitz’s brow furrows.

“Uh, what are you saying, Your Majesty?” Taako’s not sure he likes where this is going.

TRADITIONALLY, SUCH A UNION CANNOT BE.

Taako feels as though his own heart stops beating for a moment, and it looks as though Kravitz’s does the same. His fiancé’s – his _fiancé’s_ – face flickers skeletal for a moment, and Taako grips his hand more tightly. Is there a pulse? Can he still feel a pulse?

“But… My Lady. Is there no way?” Kravitz’s voice is pleading, soft and almost scared. And that turns something over in Taako.

“I got a fuckin’ idea for that: _fuck that._” Taako nearly snarls, suddenly and inexplicably prepared to go full Magnus Burnsides and rush right in to fight a fucking goddess, Kravitz’s goddess or no. “Listen. I love Kravitz. I fuckin’ punched a _hole_ in the fabric between planes with the fuckin’ Hunger hanging overhead to get to him. We helped saved the whole damn thing, including your literally bony ass. When it comes to Kravitz and being in his _life_, I’m not going fuckin’ _anywhere_.” Taako tugs on Kravitz’s hand. “Babe, I know she’s your goddess and that’s important, but let’s go. I’m not giving up on wedding planning just yet.”

Kravitz is stunned, and Taako feels absolutely terrible as he carefully pulls him away. It’s Kravitz’s goddess. Saying he can’t marry Taako. This is. Fuck, this is _bad_, no matter what Taako says.

He’s planning, no, scrambling, for something, anything to fix this as he strides away, footfalls loud in the otherwise silent room.

WAIT. Kravitz stops, and that’s the only reason Taako does. WAIT. PLEASE. I DO NOT… THERE IS A WAY.

Taako whirls about, taking a still stunned Kravitz with him. “Fuckin’- why didn’t you _lead with that_ then?” He yells, the sound bouncing off a ceiling too high to clearly make out.

I… APOLOGIZE. It’s the Raven Queen who hurriedly approaches them, gliding smoothly over the floors. THIS IS. NOT COMMON.

“Still gonna happen.”

YES. IT CAN HAPPEN. Kravitz lets out a breath that sounds like someone punched the air out of him. But then he starts breathing again. LONG AGO… THE FIRST TIME, I DID NOT YET RULE.

“Wait, wait, hold the stone. There was a time _before_ you?” Taako asks, letting go of Kravitz’s hand for the moment to make a time out gesture.

There is an unexpected softness in the Raven Queen’s gaze, the ghost of mortality long since left behind. YES. THE ONE WHO RULED THEN THOUGHT IT AMUSING, THE LOVE BETWEEN ONE OF HIS REAPERS AND ONE STILL LIVING. HE STRUCK A BARGAIN WITH THEM, THAT IF THE LIVING ONE COULD FIND AND RETRIEVE SEVEN ITEMS-

“Why is it always _seven_?” Taako throws his hands up in the air.

Kravitz has recovered enough to weakly say, “Magically significant number?”

IF THEY COULD BRING BACK THESE SEVEN ITEMS, THEY WOULD BE FREE TO MARRY.

Silence hangs over them like someone else’s cloak, someone far more malevolent than the goddess who still stands before them. Taako again wonders exactly what – or who – the bones of the throne are. “So… did it work?”

IT CAN WORK. The Raven Queen states. It doesn’t escape Taako’s notice that she didn’t answer the question. _YOU_ CAN SUCCEED.

Taako looks at Kravitz. And almost looks past Kravitz, to countless little moments before.

Sharp and angry on the other side of a sapphire mirror. Looming ominously (but not as ominously as the Reaper had thought) in the Reclaimers’ living room on the moon base. Sleeves rolled up and tongue sticking out as he’d concentrated on his vase. Struggling in the oil-slicked waves of the Sea of Souls during the Hunger’s invasion. Aglow in the ephemeral restored Phandalin. Still at Taako’s side as the sun had risen on a new day.

Groggy and hair mussed, with a sleepy smile on his lips and daylight in his eyes. Cooing over a kitten they’d found on the streets. Eyes closed in reverence as his fingers once more flew over a piano, a piano Taako had gotten for him. Keeping up with Lup and Barry’s teasing on game night. Reading Angus’s book aloud in the most absurd accents. Sternly telling Magnus he would not turn into a skeleton for the dogs. Talking to Merle about faith in Chesney’s. Shaking hands with Davenport after they had finally conquered both Kraken and ghost pirates. Even meeting Lucretia. Warm hand in warm hand with Taako at Carey and Killian’s wedding.

What’s one more adventure to be able to marry the one he loves?

“So. What’s on that list?”

* * *

“So, and let me make sure I’ve got all this,” Lup says, and Taako knows she’s watching him closely. Makes sense, considering he’s currently attempting to pace a hole in the floor of the Eternal Stockade breakroom. “Because of death rules, technically, you two can’t get married now because you’re alive and Ghost Rider isn’t.”

“Yeah.” Taako turns abruptly on one booted foot before he walks straight into the wall.

“But bird mom was able to go way, way back in the whole death law book-”

“Really more death lore,” Barry interrupts. “It’s less established and more… history. Older than most of the laws we use.”

“Fine, death lore,” Lup amends, waving it off. “Bird mom was able to go way, way back and basically pull this ancient precedent, mind you, not one that was set up for success, to bend the rules and let you both get 100% married.”

“Yeah.” Taako turns again.

Lup sucks in a breath. “So, what’s the damage?”

“Have to go out and grab seven things.”

“What’s with the number seven?”

“That’s what I said!”

“Magically significant number?” Barry offers with a shrug.

“And that’s what I said,” Kravitz replies, pouring another shitty cup of coffee.

“Anyway!” Taako speaks more loudly, redirecting the conversation. “I have to go out and get a fallen star’s crown, a rock skipped across every sea, bottled lightning, a book that’s never been read, the bone of an animal that’s never been alive, a branch off a tree at the edge of the world, and a cloak some seventh son of a seventh daughter wore the day he got married.” Taako pauses, glancing at Kravitz. “And, uh, one more thing. ‘Cause, uh, the guy before bird mom was a massive dick, I’ve gotta get all that… in a week.”

“A week?” Barry spits out his coffee and nearly drops his “I put the romance in necromancer,” mug that Lup got him. “That’s- Taako, uh, bud, that’s-”

“Oof,” Lup says, succinctly. Taako hates how right she is.

“Taako, please,” Kravitz stands and goes to Taako, blocking his path. Kravitz catches Taako’s hands with his own, and Taako looks away from him. Or away from the ring on his left hand. “We don’t- I love you. You know that. We- we don’t have to get married, officially. We don’t need to, to, to prove anything. We could have some smaller ceremony, have a reception, and, and we’d both know.”

Taako withdraws his hands and points a finger at Kravitz. “Now listen here, bone man. I did not go full enemies to lovers speedrun to give up on marrying you at the first roadblock. I mean, I figured that would be something like the venue instead of death laws, but- Marriage isn’t fuckin’ easy! So why should getting married? I’m not giving up! ‘Cause you are worth it!” He pokes Kravitz in the chest on each word of the last sentence.

“Barry, this is adorable, why aren’t we recording it?”

“Because your brother might kill you if we do?”

“I mean, he can try.”

“Why didn’t it apply to you two anyway?” Taako whirls, staring down the happily married couple. Key word married.

“Lup and Barry are both alive. Technically.” Kravitz explains. “Even liches, even in the Raven Queen’s employ, even having died previously. Both. Alive.”

“Ugh. Fine. Well, uh, put in a PTO request with bird mom; you’re coming on this quest, too.”

“Hell yeah!”

“Of course, bud!”

“No!”

The three turn to look at Kravitz and at the suddenly panicked look on his face.

“No?”

“She’s not allowed to interfere.”

“Why… why isn’t Lup allowed?”

“No. The Raven Queen. It was part of the terms of the original agreement, so _he _wouldn’t try to stop the lovers. The Raven Queen and her representatives are not allowed to interfere, either by going and actively searching out these items or by helping or hindering. The whole agreement is void if anyone does.”

“_Fuck_.” Taako says, even more loudly. But then he pauses, thinking. “It’s just if they work for bird mom, right? Everyone else is good? Everyone, uh, including representatives of other deities, is fair game, right?” Lup grins. Of course his sister would figure it out.

Kravitz looks surprised. “Well, yes, they’d have to be; I mean, Taako, you’re an emissary of Istus yourself. And Her Majesty certainly wouldn’t object. Why do you ask?”

Taako’s face splits into a wide grin. “Glad you asked, babe. It’s ‘cause I’m thinking it’s time for another boys’ weekend.”

* * *

DAY ONE

* * *

“Welcome, welcome, take your seats. So. You’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today,” Taako opens the meeting formally.

Magnus and Merle look at him with distinctly unimpressed faces.

“Uh, yes, I for one am wondering why you wanted to meet in a shitty tavern in Neverwinter,” Magnus answers, looking around, nose wrinkled in distaste.

“Isn’t that an elevator joke?” Merle asks.

“Yes, but, uh, still got that whole moratorium on elevators very much in place,” Taako answers, leaning forward to steeple his fingers. He has to force himself not to grimace when he sets his elbow on a sticky spot on the table. Maybe tradition could have been ignored in this case. But the whole reason he’s sitting here is tradition, isn’t it?

Taako hesitates, considering, “Do you remember that other shitty bar?”

“Can you be more specific? I’ve been in a lot of shitty bars,” Magnus says. “They’re the best place for bar fights."

Merle squints at Taako. “Are you referring to Chesney’s?”

“No! Ugh.” Taako presses his hands to his face for a moment. What with the whole time limit thing, maybe this shit was a bad idea. One way to find out though. Taako snaps his head back up to look at them. “We met, for the, uh, really the second time, in a shitty tavern in Neverwinter to get a job with Merle’s shitty cousin.”

“Oooooooooooooh,” Magnus and Merle say in unison.

“What was his name again?”

“Beats me.”

“Was he the one I stole the shoes from?”

“No, other cousin. And that was Taako.”

“Oh, right, okay, so we met at a bar for a job.”

“Right! It’s a dumb, shitty tradition, to start adventures in bars.” Taako says he claps his hands together.

“Cool, count me in.”

“Now wait a minute!” Merle objects.

“Mango, I haven’t even told you what this is!” Taako stares at Magnus, who just shrugs.

“Still in.”

“I’m not!” Merle crosses his arms. Taako ignores him.

“But can you at least let me give my stupid dramatic speech or not?”

“Oh, yeah, please, continue.” Magnus says, gesturing.

“Thank you.” Taako draws in a breath. “Another dumb, shitty tradition: Kravitz and I aren’t allowed to get married, technically.”

“What!”

“He’s dead, and I’m. Not.”

“I mean, but we died, like… well, I’m like at 32 times? Does that Wonderland shit count? But, uh, that means you’re at…” Magnus trails off, starting to count on his fingers, chewing his lip as he stares at Taako.

“You know. I could fix either of those things. Technically.”

“No!” Taako shakes his head. “I’m not kicking the bucket again any time soon, and Kravitz is…” Taako feels his face soften for the first time since meeting up again with these two chucklefucks. “He’s kind of alive. Because, you know, love. But also dead, because rules. And we’re both staying that way, _Merle_. But there is. There is a workaround.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Taako’s gotta go on a little quest.”

“I’m in!”

“You already said that, Magnus!”

“I know. I wanted to reiterate.”

“Quest for what?”

“Seven things.”

“Why is it always seven?” The two chorus.

“Magically significant number.” Taako brushes off their question. “There’s this whole spiel about it, but basically, seven things, seven_ days_, and Krav, Lup, and Barold aren’t allowed to interfere. And-” Taako cuts himself off. Shit, you’d think remembering would mean asking his family for help would be easier, but a decade of having exactly no family will really fuck that right up, huh?

Magnus squeezes his shoulder. “Strength lies in being able to ask for help,” he says reassuringly as Taako gives a few half-hearted attempts to shrug off Magnus’s hand.

“Sure, Power Bear.” Taako clears his throat. “Yeah, well, you in for a Tres Horny Boys reunion tour part two?”

“I’m in!” Merle yells before Magnus can get a word out. And alerting the whole tavern, causing the room to go silent and everyone in it to stare at their corner table. Merle shrugs, unperturbed both by the attention and the look on Taako’s face. “What. I wanted to go first this time.”

Taako leans back in his chair, shaking his head. This is gonna be harder than he thought. “How did we manage to save the fuckin’ multiverse again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Taakitz Week time! Right now I'm guessing this will be my sole project for the week, because, as was shocking to me but proooooooooobably not to anyone else, this is turning out far longer than I expected! That degree from the Griffin McElroy School of Estimating How Long Things Will Be is really paying dividends!
> 
> And, some thank yous are in order. Yeah, I'm gonna do these at the end, too, y'all, but I wanna do them now too. Thank you, Sanvi, for encouraging all of my various shenanigans from title to unknowingly and fortuitously providing me with the idea for the perfect ending AND providing me with so many good, good ideas for some of those items that Taako's gonna track down! You've already ready this entire chapter piecemeal, but I did clean up some of it, so I hope you still enjoyed it. Thank you, Kat, for letting me bounce some crazy ideas and scenes off you as well as listening to me ramble about writing a fight scene y'all will be seeing later. And thank you, Shell, for listening and assuaging my guilt over miscellaneous monster deaths in this fic!
> 
> Kudos and comment to feed your local lich; bookmark, subscribe, head to [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for updates!


	2. Wedding Planning, or Something Like It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tres Horny Boys are back together and the reunion tour has begun. Now it’s time to figure out a plan of attack. Or, in the case of Magnus, plan of six attacks. Plan of Zone of Truth for Merle. And plan of 253 available spells (plus cantrips) for Taako.

The sun is setting by the time Taako and the other Dos Horny Boys are leaving Neverwinter, and it’s dark by the time they’re getting to their destination. But then. Light.

The bright lights of the Bureau of Benevolence hangar hit Taako’s eyes as their glass sphere slides into place. But Taako’s already moving, disembarking from the sphere before he can even blink the spots away. The first thing he sees, is Avi, extraordinarily surprised to see them. Or, at least, extraordinarily surprised to see Taako.

“H-hey, boys, what are you… uh, what are you doing here?”

“Where’s Lucretia?” Taako asks brusquely by way of greeting. Or lack thereof. “Office?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess that’s probably-”

“Taako!”

“Slow down!” Magnus and Merle yell behind him as Taako takes off at a brisk pace.

“Or you could keep up!” He tosses the words over his shoulder, already out the door.

He’s ahead of them across the moonlit quad (the real moon, not the moon base moon that he’s currently walking on), past the dorms and the central voidfish chamber and the Fantasy Costco, across the main hall, all the way to Lucretia’s office. Not bothering to knock, Taako throws open the door and steps in, watching as Lucretia’s head snaps up from whatever nerd shit she’s poring over, surprised. She looks even more so when she sees Taako standing in her doorway.

“Taako?!”

“Hey, Cretia.” Taako leans against the doorframe, casually, as though he didn’t get here at top Taako speed. “So, uh, listen. I need your help.”

Lucretia stands up slowly, staring wide-eyed. “You wanna run that by me again?”

“Hey, Taako, Lucretia, how-”

“You couldn’ta walked a_ little_-”

Taako shuts the door on Magnus and Merle behind him, ignoring Merle’s indignant protests as he does.

“What. What is going on here? You three are all here, just like- well, you’re here, and you, Taako, you’re saying you need my help? With what?” Lucretia asks as Taako carefully crosses the room.

He plants his hands on the desk and leans in. “Listen. I’m on a real tight schedule. The, uh, the shortest version is this: Kravitz is dead, I’m not, so we can’t get married. But since that’s, uh, _horseshit_, we’ve got a workaround. But that workaround is _also_ horseshit, so Taako’s stuck with a fuckin’ millennia old fetch quest for seven things in seven days that my sister, my brother, and my fiancé aren’t allowed to touch. I’ve got Mags, and I’ve got Merle, but. You founded a whole fuckin’ secret moon base organization to find shit. So, uh, even though we did the hard part, uh, thank you- Lucretia. I need your help.”

* * *

“Right. Thank you, everyone, for coming.” Lucretia says, and Taako has to hand it to her, she’s pretty good at organizing this shit. Even though the only people who are here and don’t know what’s going on are Killian, Carey, Avi, and Brad. But there are half a dozen Stones of Farspeech on the table to loop everyone else in. If Taako has his own in his pocket, with Lup and Barry on the other end and muted, then that’s his own business. Just because they can’t step in doesn’t mean they can’t listen in. “We’re here because, well, Taako?” Lucretia looks at him, prompting him to speak.

Which, yeah, fine, that’s probably fair. Taako quickly runs through the brief spiel on what’s going on and why they’re here. When he finishes, there’s less than half a moment of quiet before everyone immediately starts asking questions. Natch. Taako pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Everyone, please. Quiet.” Lucretia’s voice carries, and Taako looks up. She’s in the same pose he was, right down to the presumably blooming headache. “Taako. I’m assuming there was some kind of… prophecy type language associated with this. What was that, exactly?”

“Do we need that?” Killian asks. “Like, seems pretty straightforward. Go out, find shit, check the boxes, good to go. Husband city.”

“No, Lucretia is- Lucretia is correct,” Davenport says, somewhere out in the middle of the ocean. “Most of the challenge is in the terms. You can hide additional difficulties or find loopholes.”

“Thanks, Cap,” Taako says. “And yeah, I’ve already considered some of that. But, uh, how it goes is:

A stone skipped o’er seas known near and far

The crown forged from an earth fallen star

A book with words unread and unspoken

The bone from an animal never born or woken

A branch from the tree at the edge of the world

A bottle in which living lightning is curled

The cloak of the seventh daughter’s seventh son

Worn on the day his marriage begun

These are the items that you must seek

And return them to me within a week.”

Magnus leans over to Carey. “It sounds even worse like that.” Once again, a proficiency in whispering is something Magnus lacks. Taako glares. Carey gives a little apologetic wave, while Magnus looks entirely unrepentant. Like Taako would expect anything else. This _is_ supposed to be an impossible (or at least near impossible) quest.

“Right. Line by line?” Lucretia asks, but she’s not actually looking for an answer. Taako nods emphatically anyway.

“So, uh, stone skipped on every sea.” Taako starts, and Merle immediately raises his hand.

“Is that, you know, every sea on this world? Or does it include other planes in the planar system? Does it include _other_ other planes, like you know, every damn world we went to?”

“Given the origins of this quest, I think it’s safe to assume yes on the former.”

“Oh, natch.” Taako nods. “Why would any of it be easy? That’s why Taako already got started on that one.” Taako fishes around in his pocket (avoiding the pickpocket preventive pocket pudding enchantment) before dropping a stone on the conference table with a clatter, watching as it bounces across the shiny surface. Magnus lets out a small gasp at the threat to the varnish. “But, uh, figurin’ we don’t have to, uh, hop on over to home world or anything, since those weren’t _known_ here. Rest of the planar system’s fair game.”

“I’m-. I’m sorry, but- Was that a rock?” Sloane asks, sounding mystified. “That sounded like someone dropped a rock.”

“Yeah, that was a rock.” Ren confirms. “Well, probably a stone.”

“Transmuter’s Stone.” Taako confirms. As always, Ren knows her shit. And her friend. “Transmuter’s Stone that I skipped across the Astral Sea before we left.” There’s a pause. “Listen, it was the only rock I had on hand. Wasn’t gonna miss the opportunity.”

“No, no, that was smart!” Magnus says. “Good job, Taako!”

“So one sea down then,” Davenport says.

“So, sir, then there’s Water, Thought, Magic, and Celestial. And of course the Prime Material Plane.”

“Isn’t it past your bedtime, Agnes?”

“No!” Angus’s voice near cracks over the denial.

“Right, so, plane hopping? How are we going to do that?” Carey asks.

Lucretia hums to herself. “The Reapers aren’t allowed to help, so-”

Taako cuts her off. “We don’t need ‘em on this one. Taako’s got this one all figured out.” It’s also the only one he’s figured out. “Transmuter’s Stone. I can do, uh, one _big_ thing per day with this.” Taako says, scooping up the stone again and tossing it lightly in the air.

“Long rest in between!”

“Yeah, uh, Ren’s right. But, uh, steal a page from nerdlord’s book and transmute circles of water once per day into the different gemstones for the different planes.”

“Oh! So you can make a door then!” Brad looks impressed.

“Right. So, yeah, that one’s basically taken care of. Or, uh, maybe, maybe need someone to go with-” Taako’s not particularly excited about soloing a monster that might happen to be in another plane.

“Dibs on magic!” Magnus yells immediately.

“Ignoring that. Next line: crown from an earth fallen star.”

“But that’s- that’s just a meteorite, right, sir?” Taako blinks at Angus’s comment. A meteorite? _A meteorite_. Of fuckin’ course.

“Makes sense to me!” Carey says.

“Keep in mind, the language was designed to be exploited. By someone else, for the opposite reasons, yes, but we can do the same.” Lucretia says.

“So if it meets the definition, we’re good?” Hurley asks.

“Hell yeah! Bend the rules, break the system, shred your credit cards, whatever works.” “What was that about credit cards?” Brad asks, looking concerned.

“Okay, so we find a meteorite and we… what, carve a rock into a crown?” Hurley continues.

“Why not? I’ve got a wooden arm!” Merle says, waving his arm around. And, yes, thank you for that reminder, Merle. “And this cool eyepatch.”

“Meteorites are often metal. It could be forged into a crown.” Davenport muses thoughtfully. “Hm. Magnus?”

“Captain?” Magnus asks brightly.

There’s a pause. “You’re really going to make me ask?”

“Uh, yes?”

“…Do you have a proficiency in that?”

“Oh! Uh, actually, nope! But… someone once taught me the basics.” Magnus leans back in his chair, tugging on his sideburns. “We get a meteorite, I can do it.” He says determinedly. Though Taako would question if Magnus ever says anything _not_ determinedly.

“How are we going to find that though?” Killian asks. “We can’t exactly predict where one will fall.”

“Actually, we know where one _has_ fallen.” Ren speaks up. “Or, kind of. June told me about one that made a racket falling into the mines a week or two ago. I can get there, work with Cassidy and everyone to get access. We could be in there in a few days at most.”

“So, Ren, you’re on that. Not-Ren can handle the school for a week.” Taako drawls, the decision made immediately. It’s not like he’ll be able to do anything with the school this week either.

“I’m on it,” Ren agrees. “The next one?”

“A book with words unread and unspoken,” Taako says, spinning in his chair to face Lucretia, half wishing one of the cats was around to pet while he stared ominously. “Uh, Madame Director? Anything like that in your library? Any books you, uh, you never got around to reading?”

Lucretia purses her lips. “It’s more complicated than that.”

“Sir, even the author has to read the book in order to write it.”

“Yeah, but-” Taako cuts himself off, considering. “Um. Huh.”

“What if I close my eyes and write random letters on a page?” Magnus offers.

Taako looks at him sidelong. “You know what you’re writing?”

Magnus is unperturbed. “Enchanted typewriter?”

“A _what_?” The half of the meeting that aren’t aliens chorus.

“Hm… what… what about an author that isn’t actually living? Not… not undead, but never alive to begin with?” Angus asks.

Merle throws his hands up, exasperated. “And where are we gonna get something like that, boy wonder?”

“No, no, keep talking,” Taako nods. “You, uh, thinkin’ something magical?”

“Something more technical, actually, sir. Have you forgotten whose school I’m attending?” Taako snorts and, rather than deign to give Angus a response, blows a raspberry. Angus’s face splits into a shit-eating grin. Taako can’t see it, but he can hear it in Angus’s voice as he says, “Something produced by a robot would technically not have been read, even writing it, because it’s written by artificial intelligence. So it’s kind of a-”

“Loophole!” Taako sings as Angus says the final word.

“That’s… that’s a good idea, Angus.” Lucretia muses. “With Lucas’s experience in robotics, he’ll be able to work with the timeline. I’ll reach out to Lucas as well, tell him he gets three days, tops, but can I trust you to run point?”

“You’re gonna trust a _baby_ with that?”

“Were you volunteering, Merle?”

“…No.”

“Okay, Ango’s on Lucas babysitting duty, next line: the bone from an animal never born or woken. So, uh, again, undead is a non-starter.” Which is also about the only starter Taako could think of for this.

Apparently Lucretia is still pretty fuckin’ good at reading the expressions on his face, because she quickly says, “We’ll start researching that one while you take care of some of the, well, not the easier ones, but the ones we know what to do with.” Lucretia fidgets with her hands, looking like she wants to reach for something, but Taako’s got no idea what. “We’ll find an answer.”

“Right. Cool. So, uh, table that, kind of.” Taako breathes out. Fine. This is still fine. Better than where he was before, with a plan for one out of seven. Still wishes he could ask Lup and Barold about this one, even if undead isn’t gonna fly. “Next one is a branch from the tree at the edge of the world.”

“Ooh! Ooh! Me me me!” Merle raises his hand before scrambling up to stand on his chair, still raising his hand. “I can do that!”

“Now hold on.” Magnus says, also raising a hand, this one in question. “Correct me if I’m wrong. But, uh, how do we find a tree at the edge of the world if the world is round?”

“You just _had_ to ruin the one thing I can contribute.” Merle huffs, sitting back down.

“Not my fault you’re a shitty cleric.”

“Merle, you’re a shitty cleric, but you’re _our_ shitty cleric.” Lucretia says, deadpan. “Now, ah, this is another place where we can exploit the wording of the rules.”

“So, can’t we- shit, can’t we just pick _an edge_ of the world and just, just grab a branch off a tree?” Hurley asks.

“Yeah, and then, Goldcliff’s got a pretty good edge with the cliff right there.” Sloane agrees.

“One problem with that,” Ren says. “It’s ‘a branch from _the_ tree.’ Not a tree. The tree implies singular. One tree, at the edge of the world. Also that said tree has to be alive and still there when you’re, mm, submitting everything.”

“Good catch, Ren,” Taako says.

“That’s what you pay me for.”

“Yeah, well, remind me to give you a raise.”

“I can do that myself. And I will.” Taako barks out a laugh. “Now, anyway, I think that means we have to find an edge with one single tree.”

“Or!” Merle proclaims, standing up on the chair again. “We find an edge with _no tree_, and the plane’s _best cleric_ grows a tree!”

“It’d probably be easier to find an edge with no tree,” Brad says. “I’m not sure where, but-”

“Mountains? How about the Teeth?” Avi suggests immediately. “Gets pretty barren up near the top. Lots of jagged edges and cliffs, too.” Taako has no idea how he knows that.

“That’s good, but I don’t think we want to risk shooting the boys straight into a mountainside. We can get you close, but there might be a bit of walking involved.” Lucretia says.

“What about no walking?” Sloane says. “We… might have something that can help.”

“Hell yeah, battlewagon race part three!” Taako exclaims. “I’ve won every one of those I’ve ever been in.” He adds, casually studying his manicure.

“You’ve been in two, Taa-_ko_.” Hurley teases.

“Yeah, but I won them, Hur-_ley_.” Taako teases right back. “How soon can you get over there?”

“Pretty fast, just need a location.” Hurley answers brightly.

“Avi, do you think you can work that out with Hurley? Both a tree site and a landing site?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Gimme a few minutes after the meeting.”

“So we can do that… tomorrow?” At assents from Avi, Hurley, and Sloane, Taako nods. “Next up is bottled lightning. Or, uh, specifically, ‘a bottle in which living lightning is curled.’”

“Sure wish we still had one of those electrified flying direbears.” Magnus mutters to Merle, who’s finally returned to his seat for the second time.

“Yeah! And a really big bottle!”

“Actually… I think I know something… something smaller than a direbear.” Davenport says. “There’s an archipelago, several days from where I am now. Local species of bees have electrical abilities.”

“Living bottled lightning amended to jar of bees,” Taako says. “Captain, when can we crash your ship?”

“There’s a port within a day’s travel, probably half if we burn some spell slots on wind. I’ll meet you there in four days?”

“So, Day 5… yeah, Cap, I think my calendar’s clear.”

“Right. And please don’t _actually_ crash my ship.”

“Ooh! Can we come too?” Carey asks. “I want to help!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Killian nods eagerly. “Besides, what if… what if you find a giant monster or something?”

“Yes, you can absolutely come as well.” Davenport says immediately, and Taako squints.

“There something you wanna share with the class, Captain?”

“It should be fine.”

“Uh-oh,” Magnus says. “Cap’n’port…” He whines.

“Look, anything, uh, _big_ should be hibernating.”

“Oh, big monsters? Like we’ve never handled that before.” Taako waves it off. “So, last thing and then I, uh, gotta make another call. The cloak of the seventh daughter’s seventh son worn on the day his marriage begun. So, let’s take a poll, that one specific to one person or nah?” Taako clicks his tongue through a chorus of dissents. “Lucretia?”

“We’ll look into that one as well. That one… will probably involve just an absolute fuckton of marriage certificates and birth certificates.”

“Cool.” Taako claps his hands together. “So, Mags and Merle are with me. We’ve got the tree thing tomorrow with Hurley and Sloane, and Avi’s got mapping shit to do before then. We’re going bug-catching with Cap’n’port, Killian, and Carey on day 5. Ren’s gonna work on getting to that meteorite in Refuge, and Ango’s gonna get Lucas to build a book-writing robot. I’ll plane hop once a day for the stone, and Lucretia’s gonna do what she built this moon for and find the other missing shit. We good?”

They’re good.

* * *

It’s... real fuckin’ weird to be walking back into their apartment on the moon base. He’d done it for the better part of a year when they’d been looking for the Relics the three of them couldn’t remember making. His eyes linger on the couch where Kravitz had been sitting, waiting in the dark (Taako had teased him mercilessly over that dramatic non-entrance) to talk to him about their death counts after Refuge and the clusterfuck that had been reclaiming Magnus’s Relic. That one really had been on him, more than Taako had even known at the time.

It’s even fuckin’ weirder to be walking back into his room. It had been the place he’d stayed the longest in ages. Except, it hadn’t, since he’d been on board the Starblaster a hundred times longer. Even if he hadn’t remembered.

But things are different than they were then. Taako flops across the bed that someone else had hastily remade and pulls out his Stone of Farspeech.

“What’s up, dingus?” He greets Lup.

“Not much over here, goofus.” Lup answers immediately. “House is quieter without you in it.”

Taako gives a half shrug, quite an accomplishment while lying on his stomach. “Moon base is easier to get places, but, uh, you already know that, too.”

“Not gonna lie, Koko, this isn’t gonna be easy.”

“Yeah. I’d feel better about it if you could help out too.”

“Yeah, well, I’m here, and I’m gonna be here for you however I can be, and- I’m here.” Lup reinforces a point she’s been making since the day Taako remembered her, lost her, and got her back again. “And you’re gonna do this. You’re gonna win.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Taako coughs and clears his throat. “How’s Barold?”

“Well…”

There’s a distant crash. Then the equally distant sound of Barry yelling, “I’m okay!” Another still distant, but louder crack of an explosion. “Still okay!”

“One sec, dear brother, and you can ask him yourself.” Lup says. “I gotta make sure I don’t have to resurrect my husband.”

“Not like I’m going anywhere,” Taako replies, rolling over, listening as the sound of an alarm blaring gradually grows louder. It ends when Lup presumably silences it, and it’s then that Taako can hear the previously covered sound of Barry coughing. Lup sighs, and Taako knows her more than well enough to know that the sound is laced with fondness and love.

“Hey, bear, guess who called?” Under Lup’s voice Taako can hear the sound of running water.

“Hey, bud!” Barry greets Taako immediately, albeit punctuated by coughing.

“You die again, Barry?” Taako asks matter-of-factly. “Pretty sure bird mom _might_ object to that one.”

“Nope!” Barry says proudly. “Oh, thanks, Lup.”

“I gave him some water,” Lup tells her brother.

“So, uh, you- you good?” Barry already sounds better.

“Barold, I have to find seven things again. Last time, last time I did that shit, I had over a year. And cryptic hints from some weird dead guy in red.”

“Yeah, yeah, I love you, too.” Barry says, and of course it’s only half joking. “You’re going to get it done.”

“What’d you blow up this time anyway?”

“Oh, would you look at that: music stopped, Kravitz must be coming out of his music room.”

Lup laughs. “We good?”

“We’re good.” Taako confirms.

“Cool. Call your fiancé in a sec.” Lup pauses before speaking again, her voice again taking on that quieter, gentler tone. “I love you. And you’ve always, _always_ got me, from now on.”

“Not losing you again,” Taako confirms, throat suddenly and inexplicably scratchy. Must be allergies. Moon allergies. “Now, uh, I’m gonna go seduce the Grim Reaper.”

“Gross.” Barry replies.

“Super gross.” Lup adds.

“So’s your face.”

“It’s the same face!” Laughing, the twins hang up. Still laughing, Taako inputs another oft-used frequency.

“Babe? How are you?” Kravitz answers in a moment.

“Fine, uh, great, you know. Shit to find, gorgeous future husband to marry, world to save. The usual shit.”

“World to save?”

“Okay, listen, maybe not this time, but, uh, we’ve done it often enough.”

“You really have,” Kravitz answers, sincere where Taako had been flippant. “You are… absolutely remarkable, Taako.” His voice has taken on that soft, quietly amazed quality he sometimes gets, like when he’s confessing his love in the middle of the apocalypse (to be fair, Taako had also just kissed him in the middle of the apocalypse, but hey, priorities) or when Kravitz sleepily plods into the kitchen on Sunday morning to see Taako turn around, lit from behind by sunlight and holding two plates stacked high with pancakes. “You’ve done so much, for this world, for every world. And I’m… I’m so very happy to be a part of your life.”

“Yeah? Well, you’re a part of mine too, bones, skull face and stupid death rules and all. And I want you to stay in it. You, uh, you got that, right? I mean, listen, I would think it’d be obvious what with the whole ‘will you marry me?’ thing, but uh… I love you. And I’m gonna keep loving you, and I’m gonna beat this stupid quest, and _then_. Then I’m gonna marry your ass.”

“I thought you were going to marry all of me,” Kravitz answers immediately, and Taako can’t help but laugh. They talk a while longer, perhaps later than they ought, but still saying good night earlier than they otherwise might.

After all, Taako has a job to do tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Chapter two is done!
> 
> OH HEY FUN FACT WITH THIS CHAPTER CHA'GAL NOW HAS OVER 300K WORTH OF TAZ WORDS ON AO3.
> 
> Kudos and comment to feed your local lich; bookmark, subscribe, head to [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for updates!


	3. Who Needs Floral Arrangements Anyway?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A single branch isn’t exactly your standard floral arrangement, but Taako’s off to get one anyway with two dryads in tow.
> 
> Kravitz has the time for a break. Taako simply can’t catch one. It’s time for THB and the dryads to roc and roll.

DAY TWO

* * *

Taako’s pretty sure that the last time he woke up this early, it was to the sound of Davenport summoning the three of them to go crash land in a swamp, crash Angus’s case, and crash a train to nab the Oculus. But here he is, wide awake at fuck o’clock in the morning, after something only mostly approximating a full night of rest.

Of course he knows why. Taako rolls over onto his side, trying to fidget into a comfortable position. It’s not even that he hasn’t slept on his own in a while, with nights with all three Reapers away on a mission. It’s that, and it’s being back here, and it’s having to deal with this horseshit to begin with.

It’s not like he blames the Raven Queen. At least, not entirely. Taako huffs and flips to his back, staring up at the ceiling. Of course he’s going to do it. He’s gonna put up with this stupid quest for Kravitz. It just fuckin’ sucks is all.

Taako sits up with a groan, ears flicking in irritation. He’s not getting back to sleep. Might as well do something with the time, since he’s got a lot to do in the next six days. With a careless arm, Taako sweeps the things he’d brought along off the desk and onto the unmade bed, grabbing paper, pen, and a few books. If he’s going to have to plane hop while keeping all of his high level spell slots in reserve, he better have a damn near perfect setup.

* * *

“Hey, Taako?” Magnus’s call is surprisingly accompanied by a knock rather than the door opening. “You, uh, you up? We gotta be at the hangar soon, and- Oh, okay!” Magnus says as Taako opens the door, fully prepared to go and having been so for several hours. Magnus looks from Taako’s face to the mess of papers on the desk and back to Taako’s face. “Hey, Taako, you… okay there?”

“Sure, yeah, never better.” Taako says blithely, with an air of practiced casualness.

“Taako…” There’s a warning note in Magnus’s voice that suggests he isn’t about to have that bullshit. Well, neither is Taako.

“Right, lemme just-” Taako grabs the stack of papers, his hat, and his wand. “Let’s fuckin’ go.”

The stack of papers go directly to Lucretia the instant they arrive at the hangar. He avoids eye contact, because she’s got a similar look on her face to Magnus and Merle. “Planar hopping for fun and profit.” He says by way of explanation. “Everything that needs to get set up for later.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Lucretia answers, and Taako has to force himself not to scowl, ears again flicking in irritation.

“Hey, boys,” Avi greets them. “So, uh, you know you’re going to the base of the Teeth, and Hurley and Sloane will meet up with you there. Based on what they told me about the battlewagon specs, you can get to the ledge I found in a few hours, tops. ‘S cool stuff, not as fast as cannons, but- And hey, got you a map; it’ll magically track where you are and where the destination is.” Avi holds out a map, and Taako grabs it before even looking. “Oh, okay, so, um… Lucretia and I will be, uh, up here, on call, but should be a pretty easy trip.”

“Cool.” A wide dwarven elbow nudges Taako’s thigh. “What?” Taako exasperatedly asks Merle.

“You could say thank you.”

Taako sputters out a series of slightly less than dignified angry noises, but Merle’s got that look on his face. “Thanks, Avi.”

“Don’t… don’t mention it? Now, uh, let’s get you guys going.”

Into the cannon they go. And fuck, it sure would be fuckin’ nice if this turned out to be easy. Not like that’s ever happened, but, well, Taako’s gonna have to figure it out anyway. He’s got a fiancé to marry.

* * *

“There you are!” Hurley’s familiar voice calls, and Taako looks up, squinting against the still early morning light. Hurley is standing on top of what looks to be a pretty standard, perfectly normal shiny green battlewagon.

“Thought you said you had something useful for this shit?” Taako calls by way of greeting.

“Oh, we do!”

“Then where is it?”

Sloane pokes her head out of the driver’s side window. “This is its flat terrain mode!” She ducks back inside and seems to push a few buttons, pull a few levers. And as she does, the battlewagon shifts, with something, several somethings actually, slamming into the ground as the wheels retract upward and into the body of the battlewagon. The body of the battlewagon itself rises as well, Hurley looking entirely at ease as she’s lifted something like ten feet into the air, supported by six legs with wide, flat bases.

“It’s a beetle!” Magnus gasps, slapping his hands to his face. The slapping sound is muffled by the sideburns.

“Yeah! Presenting: the beetlewagon!” Hurley declares proudly.

“With a little extra!” Sloane calls. She fiddles with the controls and lifts one of the legs. “Check it out! Gecko feet! They’re loaded with these tiny bristles like gecko setae! This shit’ll stick to anything, and it’s stronger than Spider Climb. We can go up 90 degrees or upside down or basically any way we want.” She lowers the foot again. “And once I push this button,” she says, demonstrating, “basically nothing short of a tarrasque is moving us.”

“I bet I can knock it over.” Magnus declares instantly, hands balled into fists and eyes alight with the glow of a new challenge.

“What? Wait, no, Magnus, you can’t-” Hurley starts, but Magnus has already thrown himself at the lowered battlewagon leg, putting his whole body weight into moving the thing.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, let him tire himself out.” Merle says, waving his hand with all the weariness of one who has dealt with Magnus for over a century. Taako’s inclined to agree.

“So, this good?” Hurley asks Taako, who appraises the battlewagon once more. Honestly? When they’d said they had something useful, he’d been picturing something a little more… capable of flying.

“Almost… got it…” Magnus grunts out. Taako tilts his head to the side. The thing definitely hasn’t moved. Not in the slightest.

“How fast does it move?”

“I’m… getting it…”

“Fast enough even we had a hard time beating it.” Hurley shakes her head, laughing at some memory. “Weapons system was shit though, so we did beat it. We’ve upgraded since.”

Taako clicks his tongue a few times. “Hell yeah, all aboard the bug train.”

“I think… it’s budging.” Magnus gasps out.

Sloane pokes her head out the window again. “Magnus, it didn’t budge.”

“I’m… budging it!”

“You didn’t budge, shit.” Sloane rebuts firmly.

“Aw!” Magnus whines, slumping over on the wagon leg.

“Uh, I’ve got a question,” Merle says, raising a hand. “How the hell do we get on that thing?”

* * *

Traveling by mutant bug gecko battlewagon –beetlewagon– is a surprisingly smooth experience, Taako muses, looking out the window as the sparse landscape whips by. He’d been expecting to be jarred every step, but they’re basically just gliding up the mountain. And the gecko feet are killing it, handling the incline no problem. Much easier than trekking up themselves.

Taako turns and looks back to Hurley. She’d acquiesced with an eye roll to Magnus’s proclamation of “Shot gun!” and joined him and Merle in the pretty spacious back seat of the wagon. Speaking of which…

“So what’s a Raven and a Ram doing with a beetle and a gecko?” Taako asks, leaning forward. “You said you were racing against it?”

“Yeah, we won it in that race!” Hurley says, puffing up proudly. “Sloane was amazing; you shoulda seen it, Taako.” Taako glances forward at Sloane. The tips of her ears, barely visible through her hair, are tinted cherry blossom pink with embarrassment. Taako can relate. Kravitz can do something similar to Taako. And knowingly has on more than one occasion.

Taako looks back to Hurley. “Okay, now, hear me out, but why? Listen, as a, uh, an expert battlewagon racer myself-”

“Two races doesn’t make you an expert, Taako,” Sloane calls, laughing.

“Yeah, but _winning_ two races does,” Taako calls back, smirking. “So, uh, as a seasoned battlewagon racer myself, _why_? Listen, this is cool as shit and deffo convenient right now, but when is that gonna be useful in an actual battlewagon race?”

“Oh- uh- you can- you can climb on other competitors, and… Sloane?”

Sloane laughs. “Go ahead.”

“We’re gonna organize some Faerun-wide races!” Hurley nearly explodes with excitement, throwing her arms wide and hitting Merle in the face for two points of damage. “Shit, sorry, Merle! But we’re gonna go cross country, all terrain, real crazy shit.”

“I hate to say it, but you really can do more when it’s legal.” Sloane shrugs. “In this case at least.”

“I totally hear you,” Magnus nods. “Who needs legal?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be lawful good?” Sloane asks.

Magnus retorts with, “Isn’t Hurley?”

“I was!” Hurley protests. “Mostly!”

“Are we _there yet_?” Merle complains, still rubbing his face where Hurley hit it.

“Almost!” Magnus yells.

“Really?”

“Nope!”

Hurley’s still practically bouncing in excitement. “So, uh, Taako, you in? You wanna try round 3 in a battlewagon that can go _underwater_?”

“Oh! Better yet, we could make it a double date!” Sloane exclaims. “The Raven and the Ram, the Mongoose and the… shit.”

“Shit!” Hurley agrees. “We can’t have two Ravens!”

“But it’s both of their brands!” Magnus throws his hands to his face in mock horror.

Taako shakes his head. “Nah, nah, all good. Hell yes to the double date, and Krav’ll be a crow.”

“Crow?” The dryads chorus.

“Don’t those look exactly the same as ravens anyway?” Merle asks.

“Ravens are bigger. Big, big bird.” Magnus holds his arms apart, approximating.

“Why crow, Taako?” Hurley asks again.

Taako opens his mouth before slowly closing it, considering. In a flash, he’s pulled out his Stone of Farspeech and hit speed dial.

“Taako? Babe? Is everything all right? How are you? How goes… is everything okay?” Okay, listen, it might be cheesy as fuck, but everything gets more okay just hearing the sound of Kravitz’s voice. Taako feels some of the tension he’s had since waking up too early this morning leave his neck and shoulders.

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine, Krav, just uh, just you got a sec?”

“For you? Always.” It sounds like Barry might be fighting approximately half a dozen cultists in the background. Eh. Barold’ll be _fine_. Besides, Taako feels better already, talking to Kravitz, and if Kravitz doesn’t need to go, Taako’s not gonna hurry him off the call.

“Hey, so, uh, the dryads are asking about a double date. Battlewagon racing double date.”

“Oh?” Taako smiles at the intrigued note punctuating the single word of Kravitz’s reply.

“Yeah, and you know, you need a mask for that-”

“I’m a bear!” Magnus yells. “Or, uh, I have a bear mask! Hi, Kravitz!”

“Hi, Magnus,” Kravitz answers, sounding amused. “And a crow. But you know that, dove.” There’s the sound of something exploding in the background on Kravitz’s end of the call. That would be Taako’s sister.

“Natch. Told ‘em.” Really, if he doesn’t look out the window at the surrounding mountains, Taako could almost pretend things are entirely normal, just calling to check in on Kravitz’s work day while he’s headed to brunch with the dryads or some shit.

“But why?” Merle asks, mystified.

“Can’t infringe on Sloane’s brand,” Kravitz answers with a laugh, and the warmth of the sound sweeps through Taako, leaving him with what is no doubt a truly sappy grin on his face. “Oh, uh, Barry and Lup might need a hand, and-”

“Why don’t you throw them a bone then?” Merle says, and Magnus bursts into laughter at Merle’s comment.

“Get it? ‘Cause you can be a skeleton and throw your hand bones?” Magnus says through laughter.

“…thanks, Merle and Magnus.”

“Anytime!”

“Uh-huh. I’ll talk to you later, Taako.”

“Catch ya in a few hours, Krav.” Taako hangs up the call before looking around to see nearly everyone in the beetlewagon watching him. And then even Sloane glances back in the mirror to look at him.

“What?”

* * *

“We’re here!” Magnus booms, the sound filling the confined space in a way that would suggest that the others present don’t have access to the magical tracking map Avi made. And actually, Taako’s been the one holding the map the whole time, uh, thank you very much.

Okay. Time for round 1 on this whole quest to marry Kravitz thing. Taako glances down. His grip is too tight on the map, his knuckles nearly white. He unclenches his hands and folds the partially crumpled paper. Not like they’ll need it much longer.

The beetlewagon stops, and Sloane lowers the body of the wagon down. Taako’s first out the door and looks around, quickly assessing. They’ve stopped near the summit, at the corner of a mostly flat ledge that extends maybe eighty feet long and forty feet across, running from a sheer rock wall to a cliff edge with a sharply teetering drop. It’s very much an edge, and it certainly feels like the edge of the world, or at least the edge of civilization. And not a tree to be seen.

“Air’s a little thin up here,” Merle gasps as he staggers out of the beetlewagon, waddling more slowly than usual. “Beach dwarves aren’t made for this.”

“Just as long as you can grow shit, old man,” Taako says, ears pricked as he watches Merle closely.

“Sure, sure, just gimme a sec to catch my breath,” Merle wheezes, waving a hand. He’s fine. It takes more than that to kill this dwarf. And even more to permanently kill him.

Meanwhile, Hurley looks ready to go rock climbing, with Magnus ready to try (and fail) to follow her.

Sloane however approaches Merle and lays a hand on his shoulder. Within a few seconds, Merle looks less like shit. Still like Merle, but Taako doesn’t think anything can be done about that. “Trees make air,” Sloane says with a shrug when she catches Taako looking. “Thought it might work.”

“Yeah?” Merle’s voice is stronger. Still wheezing though. “Then let the world’s best cleric and nature guy add some more air up here. Stand back!”

Merle waddles 30 feet away, to the exact middle of the whole damn ledge and cracks his dwarf arm. With his soulwood arm, he places an unopened pine cone on the ground. He steps further back toward the group

“All right… I’m gonna take the Extreme Teen Bible… and I’m gonna Channel Divinity…” Merle raises his opened, faintly glowing holy symbol. “So, uh, Pan? Pan, buddy? It’s me, Merle… _your _Merle. So, uh, listen, we need a tree up here like… right now would be ideal. And I know, you know, Magnus is gonna chop part of the tree off right away, but he did the same thing to me! And, uh, this might be partly for the guy who started all that with the crystal and everything. Like, half for him. But that was still entirely Magnus’s fault, and Kravitz is a good guy, a real good guy! So, we need a tree. Shit, I’m not doing a good job of selling this, huh? Uh. Please?”

It’s so Merle. And like many things Merle, it just inexplicably works. As Merle finishes speaking, his soulwood arm seems to sprout fur, spreading from elbow to fingertips. But not fur, a coating of dark green pine needles. The pine cone opens. And that’s all the warning they get before a metaphorical bomb of nature magic goes off, seedling throwing roots down through unforgiving earth and rocketing upwards to the thin blue sky. The trunk widens as though passing through countless growing seasons in the blink of an eye, and branches grow and split like seemingly infinite fractals. The new tree creaks, the earth groans, and another wave of pine needles cloak the strange wooden skeleton in verdant dark green.

Within moments, they’ve got their fuckin’ tree.

“Thank you,” Merle bows to the tree with a flourish before scratching off the layer of pine needles. “Taako? You got something to say.”

Taako clears his throat, taking a step forward himself. “Yeah, uh, Taako’s got something to say. Hurley, Sloane, thanks for getting us up here. Pan, thanks for the tree. Magnus, we only need one branch."

“You little shit!” Merle starts to yell, but he’s cut off by Magnus whining.

“But Railsplitter can chop straight through in one swing once per day, and I never get to do that!”

“Rules, Magnus! Branch from the tree at the edge of the world!” Taako points. “We grab the branch, and then the tree’s gotta stick around until this shit’s signed, sealed, delivered!”

Of course, it’s then that the sky goes dark for a split second.

“Well, that can’t be good,” Merle says cheerfully, having rejoined them after his display.

Taako looks up, searching for whatever fuckery is going to interrupt today’s otherwise easy job. At minimum, it’s not an apocalypse redux. What he sees is a brief glimpse of a bird before it soars behind a cloud. Taako’s ears twitch as the distant, sharp cry of a bird of prey hit.

“Now, uh, I don’t think I need to remind you that I have animal proficiency… but I don’t need animal proficiency to know that a bird that looks that big from here… is a big-ass bird. Like, way, way bigger than a raven.”

Unfortunately, Taako’s inclined to agree with Magnus’s assessment. Worse, he might even have an idea of what the bird is. Everyone else, however, looks pretty fuckin’ clueless.

Taako pulls out his Stone of Farspeech.

“Taako?” Lucretia answers first, because of course she does. “Is everything all right? Have you gotten to the location? Have you gotten the branch?”

“Avi.” Taako ignores Lucretia’s slew of questions. “What do you know about rocs in this area?”

There’s a sharp intake of breath on the other end, from Avi or Lucretia or someone else entirely, Taako isn’t sure.

“I’m pretty sure they’re all around us!” Merle gestures to the mountain range at large.

“I don’t think he means that kind of rock… do you, Taako?” Hurley asks, now looking wary.

“T-Taako. There shouldn’t be any rocs in the area. You’re too far south! Are- look, how sure are you?”

“Big fuckin’ bird in a mountain range.” Taako pauses. “_Big_ fuckin’ bird.”

“Yeah, but a part of a mountain range that’s _dragon territory_.”

“Avi! You sent us to a place where we might have to fight a dragon!” Magnus doesn’t sound like he knows whether to be displeased or giddy.

“No! There- there aren’t- there shouldn’t be any of those in the area either. The only way a roc would go into dragon territory, even, uh, um, dragon territory that isn’t currently occupied is-”

“It shouldn’t be there unless it’s hunting.” Lucretia now sounds worried. Which, fine, except for the fact that she’s worried about Taako, Magnus, Merle, Hurley, and Sloane.

“What does that make us then?” Sloane asks.

“Probably a toothpick,” Merle mumbles.

A shrill bird cry, far closer than before, and far too close, screams in their ears. Taako slaps his hands over his ears. “That enough proof!”

“Fuck!” People both on the mountain and on the moon yell as the roc dives past them, the force of its enormous wings buffeting Taako and everyone else for that matter. Both tree and beetlewagon shake ominously in the wind. Before Magnus can even run to the edge of the cliff to look down at where the roc went, there’s a massive, earth-shattering thud that sends Taako staggering and knocks Merle flat.

“OW!” Merle yells, more plaintive than pained as the other four wheel around in time to see the roc, having landed at the top of the 20 foot high rock face behind them, massive talons the size of the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom punching easily through the rock, even more massive wings spreading, wide, over twice as wide as the ledge they’re standing on, casting them in half shadow.

“Fuck,” Taako mutters under his breath again. The things he does for love.

“So, uh, do we…” Magnus waves in a hand in vague implication of swinging a sword.

“Get to the beetlewagon.” Hurley hisses quietly. “We can- at least we won’t be sitting ducks.”

“In my case it’s literal,” Merle grumbles as he pushes himself up to sitting.

Taako’s been watching the roc though. He’s seen as yellow bird eyes have flicked between all of them –Taako himself, Merle on the ground, Sloane still near, Magnus, Hurley– jumping to the beetlewagon and its shining, currently highly noticeable and highly regrettable paint job.

But what the roc lands on. Is the tree.

There’s a rise in the shoulders, an intense focusing of the eyes as it leans forward, heedless of those below.

“Shit! It’s gonna try to grab the tree for its massive bird nest!” Merle yells, starting to scramble to his feet. And Taako knows something about rocs. They’re very, very particular about their nests, and they’re very, very, _very_ stubborn when they find something they want.

Hurley is fastest, moving rapidly, monk skills in no way diminished, bounding in and somehow easily bouncing up the rock wall, a cherry wood quarterstaff magically appearing in hand to whack the absolute shit out of the roc. As the roc lets out an ear-piercing scream in surprise (and Taako would probably be surprised too if a dryad monk just fuckin’ smacked him in the face), Hurley steps back, barely able to find purchase on the ledge next to the roc. Her first punch misses as she wobbles, but the second hits it just below the eye. As the roc screams again, Hurley drops, grinning at Sloane, who, hand flat on the ground, has grown a vine to catch her girlfriend.

“If you can do it that fast, why’d you make me grow the tree?” Merle yells, having finally gotten to standing.

“Trees take more time and energy than that!”

“Not to mention! Merle, you volunteered!”

“Yeah, because _I’m the nature cleric_! So I cast Insect Plague!” Merle again yells out the name of his second favorite spell.

At least he didn’t cast Zone of Truth.

“Merle, don’t you remember Pokémon! Bugs don’t do shit against bird types!” Magnus yells.

“Bite me!”

A cloud of incredibly pissed off locusts surrounds the body of the roc just as it’s shaking off Hurley’s assault. A series of disgruntled bird noises ensue, and the great wings rise again.

The roc takes flight, rising up from the locust cloud and looking at least a little worse for the wear for it. Its head snaps, and it’s staring at the tree again. Fuck. Taako _really _can’t catch a break here.

But as the bird flies, Taako casts. “_Ice_ of you to drop in!” And 15 feet out from the tree, a wall of ice rises up, sharp and cold and evoking some surprisingly fond crystalline memories. The roc, being approximately 15 feet away from the tree as the ice wall appeared, is forced back shrieking, near pinwheeling through the air, now smacked, punched, insect bitten, and frostbitten.

But unfortunately, no matter how shitty the damn giant bird might look, Tres Horny Boys haven’t added it to their kill count yet. The roc briefly flits over the exposed top of the tree, but it can’t get a good angle, thank fuck. But then the roc swoops, landing on the far side of their suddenly much smaller seeming ledge, nearer the cliff edge, and rears back.

There’s the sound of ice shattering under the impact of the roc’s beak, and Taako winces as a section of the wall tumbles.

“Pretty sure that thing could take you down in one shot,” Merle remarks to Taako.

“Not one shot!” Magnus argues. “Like… two. Yeah, probably two.”

“Yeah, yeah, we all know my HP’s real fuckin’ low; can we _please_ focus on the giant turkey over there?!” Taako near yells.

“I’ve got a plan!” Sloane yells, somewhere behind Taako, and, out of the corner of his eye, he catches a glimpse of her in a mad dash back to the beetlewagon. “Hurls! Let’s do the thing!” Her shout is nearly drowned out by the sound of another section of ice wall splintering, cracks spiderwebbing through. Taako holds his breath a moment, but the wall holds.

“Hey, cutting down trees is my thing!” Magnus yells as he rushes past Taako, both Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom and Chance Lance held aloft. “Hey, roc! You’re dumb as a rock!” Taako doesn’t really stop to pay attention to Magnus’s seemingly infinite attacks, but the roc gets stabbed, slashed, burnt, and possibly poisoned. Listen, you’ve seen one human tornado with a giant sword and a clock minute hand, you’ve seen them all.

What Taako does pay attention to, is Hurley sprinting across the stone surface and vaulting herself into the beetlewagon with Sloane.

“Let’s do this thing!” Hurley cheers. “All charged?”

“Yep! Let’s do it!” Sloane exclaims as the beetlewagon- _holy shit, is that a cannon_?

“Hey! Shithead!” The dryads shout in unison, attracting the roc’s attention. The badly injured bird staggers, looking pissed and ready to fly at the beetlewagon now. “Time to roc and roll, rotisserie shithead!”

The cannon fires. The cannon _hits_.

And a very much dead, very much roasted roc slumps over to the side, falling over the ledge.

As much as Taako is now wondering if they’re in some violation of some bird law, he breathes a sigh of relief. “So, uh, let’s get that branch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Okay, new scheduling plan, and that is this isn't going to be finished by the end of Taakitz Week, unfortunately. Much as I would love to actually have this done by then, that's just not going to be the case. Hopefully within the next week after.
> 
> I will say it is a fun way of addressing an idea that's been on my list for a while (if you've seen the movie Corpse Bride, the root of it was that death has technically already parted Taako and Kravitz, but I'm not killing Taako in a rom-com adventure thing, thank you very much).
> 
> Kudos and comment to feed your local lich (and thank you so much for the lovely comments you've left already!); bookmark, subscribe, head to [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for updates.


	4. You Know That One Friend Who Can Legally Officiate Weddings?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the interplanar hopscotch commence! It’s just like regular hopscotch, if regular hopscotch involved advanced magical-physical theory and tearing a hole in the fabric of reality.
> 
> Taako is on the moon. Kravitz is on a mission. So who’s watching the cats?!

Avi and Lucretia are practically where Tres Horny Boys left them in the hangar, though Avi looks as un-chill as Taako’s ever seen him.

“I’m so sorry, guys!” Avi blurts out practically before they’re out of the glass sphere. “I thought- it was supposed to be deserted! Like, it’s dragon territory, empty dragon territory right now, but that should have been enough of a deterrent! I have no idea why or how a roc would fly that far south to, to what, grab a tree for its nest? That’s- that’s-”

“Whoa, Avi, whoa. Avi, Avi, chill.” Magnus says, holding his hands up in a “calm down” gesture. “We’re good. Super good. Like, what, you think we can’t handle a roc? I, Magnus Burnsides, the Hammer, the Protector, Head of Security of the IPRE and Captain Reclaimer of the Bureau of Balance can handle _one_ giant bird! Nah, I could _solo_ it.” Avi looks in no way reassured. Magnus immediately changes tactics. “Shit, should I get a puppy? Nice, calming puppy?”

“No dogs on the moon,” Taako says, before Lucretia can say anything. “You get the, uh, the planar portal shit ready, Lucy-lu?”

“Yes, everything’s set up and ready to go in the main hall.” Lucretia gestures for them to start walking.

“Maybe a nice tea then, a nice oolong or jasmine. Ooh, better idea, nice lady grey?” Magnus is still preoccupied with reassuring Avi even as Taako, Merle, and Lucretia start to walk away. “Oh, wait, Taako, you’re, uh, not gonna get stabbed or anything over there?”

“I mean, _probably not_.” There shouldn’t be any massive godly parties or shit; Taako would have somehow heard about that already.

“Okay, cool! I’m gonna go make Avi some tea!” Magnus slaps a hand over Avi’s shoulder, and that seems to startle him back into more apologizing.

“Still sorry! I’ll make sure the tree’s okay for the week! I promise, nothing’s gonna happen to it!”

“Cool, good talk,” Taako yells back as they walk out the door.

“Did you plan out where you’re headed each day or just making it up as you go?” Lucretia asks.

“Celestial, Magic, Thought, Water,” Taako rapidly counts the four planes off. “With, uh, with day 6 as a buffer for when shit goes sideways. Is Avi really gonna babysit a tree for a week?” Taako asks Lucretia, glancing surreptitiously over his shoulder back at the hangar. Magnus has managed to drag Avi out of the hangar and is steering him in the general direction of the cafeteria.

“Something like that,” Lucretia says. “So, Celestial then, today?”

“Yeah, and you know, listen, I was thinking,” Taako drawls. “Might be nice to have someone more, uh, in the know for various godly shit. You know anybody like that?”

“I’ll do it!” As expected, Merle yells at once, even before Lucretia’s mouth can curl into a wry smile. Merle immediately catches himself, turning sheepish and scratching behind an ear. “I mean, I’ll do it, because Pan, you know, I know Pan, and it’d be good to see the old… the old boss goat man- quit your giggling!” Merle shouts the last three words, and the giggles that Taako and Lucretia have only been half trying to suppress burst into full on laughter. “Volunteer to help and this is the thanks I- whoa.” Merle stops, taking in the setup in the room.

Taako, however, keeps going, laughter abating in favor of evaluating everything. Looks like Lucretia -with assistance from Brad, Carey, and Killian- has gotten everything according to Taako’s plan. Perfectly circular disk holding a thin layer of water, ten feet in diameter, supported carefully just above the floor by stabilizers with designs straight off the Starblaster, with the right arcane symbols etched with the right spell components in just the right positions- stability, gates, planar travel, the celestial plane, etc. etc. and so on. Speaking of which-

“Can you tell me _why_ again, why exactly we aren’t just using actual spells meant for this, like _Planar Shift_ or _Arcane Gate_ or just regular _Gate_ or, or _something_?” Brad sounds incredibly frustrated in a way he hasn’t since the great sphagettageddon incident. Which, Taako can’t entirely blame him, considering the orc seems to have gotten covered in soot somewhere along the way of setting up the spell. Brad stops, concentrating for a moment, before letting out a sneeze loud enough to bounce around the whole hall.

“Modified Arcane Gate, kemosabe,” Taako answers. “Linking it back to the actual disk, to something that resonates with the plane but anchored to this. No need to worry about a spell for the return trip and no concentration required.” Brad sneezes by way of response. Taako takes this to mean that Brad sees his point and agrees with his excellent idea. “All right then, let’s get this show on the road.” Taako declares, pulling out his Transmuter’s Stone and crouching, reaching out for the still surface of the perfect ring of water.

Should be a piece of cake. Wedding cake, ideally, but at least easier than last time. No tacos required. Just one Taako. And one Transmuter’s Stone.

The surface of the water is diamond before Taako can send so much as a ripple through it. And through that diamond, Taako can see flashes of the Celestial Plane, the different domains: volcanoes and fire, a verdant forest, a familiar diamond encrusted gate…

Taako steps back as Killian and Carey step in to crank the disk up to vertical. Taako and Lucretia make the final adjustments, and, as simple as that, the Arcane Gate is open. Or, as simple as having an understanding of advanced interplanar physics and creating a localized superposition of the Prime Material and Celestial planar fields by means of reaching a harmonic of both planar resonant frequencies, not that Taako’s an _expert _or anything- but he does have that degree on his wall.

“Nice one, pointy hat.” Merle remarks, stepping up to join him. “Just remember that if this kills me, you caused my 69th death.”

Taako snorts. “Like I’m gonna be responsible for that.”

And then they’re stepping through to the Celestial Plane.

The Celestial Plane looks much the same as Taako remembers. They’re stepping out onto that same central celestial nexus made of clouds (makes for a surprisingly springy walking surface). And that celestial nexus still branches off into dozens of bridges, identical initially, save for the signs overhead, but gradually shifting to match the domain they lead to the further you walk.

The only _real_ difference is that the place isn’t absolutely deserted this time. Taako can hear the sounds of seemingly innumerable divine voices calling, the sounds carrying impossibly far, or as far as the gods want them to. There’s the sound of work from the forge and clashes from the battlefield, the rumbling of thunder and the hum of nature. Nobody immediately in the vicinity of the celestial nexus, but this time more than the last, Taako’s very much aware that he’s in the company of gods.

“So, uh… where to?” Merle asks, looking around. “Cause, you know, uh, seas are all connected here, just like our plane, so should only need to stop by one.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna blatantly exploit that little loophole,” Taako replies. “And, like, shouldn’t you know where the best place to go is?” 

“Well, you know…”

“Don’t worry,” a gruff, entirely unfamiliar voice calls from where there most _definitely_ wasn’t one before. Taako spins around as Merle does the same. Standing where, again, there most definitely wasn’t _anyone_ before is a dwarf who somehow seems to be even older than Merle. His skin has the quality of someone who’s spent their entire life outside, and his hair looks to be more bleached by the sun than age. He’s wearing some spectacularly well-worn adventuring gear, and there’s a look in his eyes like he’s seen every road and walked every step of them. “Pan is coming.”

Merle brightens up immediately. “Well, thanks, um…”

The dwarf chuckles, and it sounds like when Magnus threw the chains in the grinding machine in Wave Echo Cave. “Marthammor Duin.”

Oh. Huh. Taako feels what some might uncharitably describe as an evil grin spread across his face before he leans over to a now grimacing Merle. “Wait, isn’t he the god you were following before you joined up with Pan? Well, this has gotta be just so awkward, huh?” Taako makes no effort to lower his voice.

“Joined back up with Pan, pointy hat!” Merle hisses, much quieter than Taako. “I was never- look, I didn’t remember shit, and then I left, so… um. Yeah.” Merle coughs and clears his throat, speaking more loudly. “Uh… you know, sorry about the whole… following you for like… a few years and then… leaving thing. In my defense! I was always _supposed_ to be following Pan.”

“I don’t blame you,” Marthammor Duin says mildly, or at least, mildly for a grizzled old dwarf who has seen some serious shit. “’Course you’da thought yourself one of mine: you were lost. There’s some shit about not every wanderer being lost, but the lost are still travelers. You, uh, you’re Pan’s cleric, through and through, but while you weren’t. Well. I mighta kept an eye on you.”

“So you’re _okay_ with that?”

The dwarven god of travelers shrugs. “Road changes all the time. Goes ways you don’t expect.” He glances at Taako. “Sometimes it gets harder for no reason.” He chuckles. “Or for fate reasons. You can get mad, but you still gotta get through.”

Taako’s ears twitch as Marthammor Duin’s comment rings a bell. “Oh, uh, that… uh, listen, Marthammor Duin, right? Do you, uh, do you know if one Lady Istus, goddess of fate, happens to be around? Could, could use a little word with her.” Taako pinches his fingers close together. “Like this big.”

“Istus is out right now.” Marthammor Duin shrugs. “Roads always intersect sooner or later. Your paths’ll cross soon enough. Aaaaaaaaaand there’s Pan.”

“Hello, Merle,” an incredibly chill voice calls, and there’s a clatter of hooves as the satyr god that Merle reports to finishes crossing the bridge and steps onto the cloud platform. “Thank you,” Pan nods to the other god.

“Yeah, pleasure. Now, places to be, people to see. You know how it is.”

“I do.” Pan looks to Taako and Merle. “And hello to Taako as well. Why don’t you two come with me?” He offers, gesturing toward a bridge whose watery domain is denoted by an arch patterned like flowing water.

Funnily enough, Taako’s pretty sure he could have figured out this one on his own.

Nonetheless, he takes off at an ambling pace behind Pan and Merle. The bridge starts out just the same as all the rest, cloud shifting to your standard adventuring rope bridge, though most rope bridges aren’t made of glowing gold rope and planks that sound more like walking across marble than wood.

Taako keeps half an ear on the casual conversation between Merle and his god, about the kids, the Extreme Teen Adventures, earldom, and so on, but really, he’s half lost in his own head.

Seven things on the list. They’ve got one already, the branch back at the Bureau. He can check in with Ren and Angus on the two they’re chasing down once he’s back Prime Material Plane-side. Davenport too, just to make sure everything’s on track for that jar of bees and that Davenport’s _sure_ everything should be hibernating. And then the rock, well, that’s what he’s here for, isn’t it?

Taako blinks. It had been so gradual at first that he hadn’t really noticed. But it’s unmistakable now. The once glowing rope has grown dull, looking more like the tarred rope from a ship’s rigging dragged across the bottom of the ocean floor for twenty leagues. The wooden planks are now gritty with sand, warped and seeming to bulge with seawater, creaking ominously beneath Taako’s feet, much more like the standard adventuring bridge you’d expect to collapse beneath you. Warily, he glances at Pan, who seems to give exactly no shits.

The last two, the bone (creepy, but on brand for a death god) and the cloak are still a mystery. But now that the portal’s up, Lucretia’s no doubt buried under piles of paperwork. Which is more or less where she lived for years, so Taako figures she’s probably fine with it. And, uh, listen, as for the bone, Lup and Barry may not be able to help, and anything under the necromantic umbrella isn’t going to work anyway, but. Taako considers that one less a _problem _and more a race on who can figure it out first.

The bridge has changed once more in their long trek across, rope giving way entirely to braided kelp and seaweed, dark hues with flashes of color. Gone too are the wooden planks, replaced with vibrant coral, somehow capable of not fracturing under their weight.

Taako brushes off the thoughts of everything still to be done in favor of the reason he’s putting up with this shit. He and Kravitz hadn’t exactly had much time to celebrate their engagement before the Raven Queen dumped a bucket of water as cold as she is over it. But damn if they hadn’t been happy for that time. The echo of the same smile he’d been unable to hold back at Kravitz’s flustered, joyful reaction to the proposal crosses Taako’s face as the memory crosses his mind. Taako had planned it out countless ways. Candlenights wedding with pink tourmaline everywhere. Summer wedding at the same chapel they’d been at one year after Story and Song. Tiny, family-only ceremony on a beach somewhere. Getting married on the steps of the school and getting everyone in on the party. The one real constant had been Kravitz smiling on the other side of the altar. And, okay, food catered by the twins, natch. But now all of those plans have been set aside just to get to the altar at all.

Still lost in thought, Taako steps from the bridge onto a small patch of sand.

They’ve arrived.

This domain of water is as varied as any sea as Taako’s ever seen, which, you know, that tracks. There’s a wholeass castle in the center of it all, a gargantuan structure of coral and stone and shells, distorted and wavering under the globe of water surrounding the place like some kind of overpriced tourist trap snowglobe trinket. There are countless bodies of water, with bridges crossing rivers and streams populated by naiads and the like, and pools ranging from murky bogs and humid swamps to seemingly endless crystal clear lakes and minute tide pools you could find entire worlds in. Fat rainclouds drift over some areas, while others are bright with sunlight, seemingly without a source. The whole place is teeming with life, and Taako can hear the heartbeat of it all in the sound of distant waves.

He spares a moment to wonder what the whole surfing sitch looks like in this plane.

Pan takes them on a winding path through the place, over sandbars and bridges that dip with their weight into the bog water below, around reefs and across islands.

They come to a beach, comparatively small and seemingly isolated relative to everything else. Pan stops, hooves sinking in the slightest bit into the sand, and gestures.

“Okay. Cool.” Taako pauses. “Uh. Huh.” Heedless of the sand (Prestidigitation will still work on divine sand, right?), Taako plops down, pulling off his boots and socks and rolling up his pants to mid-calf. “This cool?” He asks, looking up at Pan. Pan shrugs, but he’s grinning, so Taako figures he’s not going to piss off any deities doing this the right way.

The sand is hot, but not painfully so, and quickly shifts to cooler, packed damp sand. The water, when it hits Taako’s feet, is cool, but not cold, reminiscent of a cycle, a year, so long ago. With a flick of his wrist, Taako’s Transmuter’s stone skips an even six times across the surface of the Celestial Sea before starting to sink.

“I got it!” And before Taako can inform Merle that he’d just intended to use Mage Hand to reclaim the thing (of course he can find it, it’s got his magic in it), Merle’s sprinted across the beach and dived headlong into the water. “I’m fine! I’m good! I’m a beach dwarf!” Merle dives.

“Uh. Merle can swim… right?” Pan asks. “This might be the Celestial Plane, but he can _probably_ still drown.”

“He’ll be _fine_.” Taako waves it off. “Besides, someone here’s gotta be able to pull off Spare the Dying, right?”

This does not seem to reassure Pan all that much, but Merle emerges, sputtering and spitting out holy seawater, standing in chest high water (chest high on the dwarf, that is), Taako’s Transmuter’s Stone held aloft. He wades, moving even more slowly than usual back, before rejoining them on land, drenched and dripping Celestial water all over the nice beach.

“Glad to see you can still end up unpleasantly damp on every single adventure we go on, old man,” Taako drawls, taking the wet stone from Merle’s outstretched hand.

“Eat me.”

“Thanks, Merle,” Taako says, pocketing the stone. “And you know that was, uh, totally unnecessary, right?”

“Now you tell me!” Merle throws his arms in the air. Pan laughs, shaking his head. But hey, he picked the cleric.

“Oh, one more favor?”

“What now?”

“If we pull this shit off, Krav and I are gonna need someone to officiate. You know anybody who’s got a mail order license?”

* * *

“Merle, are… are you wet?” Carey asks as soon as they’ve walked back through the portal, as she’s rotating the disk back to horizontal. She briefly pauses to watch in adoration as her wife pops the diamond disk free and props it against a pillar. They’ll add more water and change the symbols around tomorrow; that’ll be easier than working with something already hella magical. Carey’s attention snaps back to the situation at hand. “Why are you wet?”

“Why are _you_ dry?” Merle immediately retorts.

Carey looks around the room. Both Taako and Lucretia’s faces are carefully blank with the practice of a century. Brad just sighs and pinches at the brow of his nose. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Good! Well, then if everyone’s done asking dumb questions, I’m going to go put on dry pants!” Merle declares and heads out, shoes squelching with every step and leaving puddles of Celestial seawater in his wake. Carey, Killian, and Brad look at Taako. Taako shrugs, as though he has absolutely no idea how that happened.

“So you’re done then?” Lucretia asks.

“Uh, natch. Easy peasy. Why else would we be back already?”

“Okay, fair point.”

“So you got a status update on shit here?”

Lucretia looks at him solemnly with that Madame Director look and blows a raspberry. Carey lets out a surprised snort of laughter.

“That bad, huh?” Internally, Taako is wincing.

“Setup took most of our time, but… thus far there’s a number of sixth sons and eighth daughters and engagements that dissolved days before the wedding.”

“Including one particularly memorable tale where someone attacked the wedding cake with a sword before setting it on fire,” Brad adds. He’s managed to get the soot off though, so he’s probably happy about that.

“One thought I had regarding the bone though, was a synthetic animal. Perhaps through conjuration or transmutation magic?”

Taako hums to himself. “Maaaaaaaaaaaybe? I mean, listen, of course the magic exists for a _living_ animal, but, uh, making it one that isn’t alive is sorta… dragon and egg, y’know? The spells’re made to take something not alive and make alive, not take something not alive and make something that isn’t alive but should be.”

“I’ll keep… we’ll keep looking into it. As for-”

The Stone of Farspeech in Taako’s pocket starts lighting up, flashing lavender and emitting a series of beeps. Taako puts it on speaker. “Oh my gods, you’re _Ren_,” Taako says by way of greeting.

“Never gonna let that one go, are ya?”

“Nope!”

“How did the branch go?”

Taako stares straight at the members of the Bureau of Benevolence as he answers. “Fowl. Absolutely fowl.”

“I’m guessing by the groans and shriek that accompanied that statement, that was a pun?”  
“Don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just winging it right now.”

“Taako-”

“Bird!”

“Bird aside, did you get the branch?”

“Hell yeah. Celestial Plane’s off the list, too. How’s shit on your end?”

The smile in Ren’s voice is bright enough that the Drow would have to wear shades as she says, “Ready to go on our end! Cassidy, uh, did what Cassidy does best and blew a few holes in the mine. We’ve got a reasonably straight shot into where the meteorite crashed, just need you to grab the thing.”

“And those delightful flesh-eating boys in the mine?” Cause, listen, considering Taako’s died because of those things…

“We’ll be _fine_. And, uh, we’ve got plenty of raw meat. So, uh, how are the others? Are y’all good to come tomorrow?”

“I spoke to Angus earlier; it sounds like Lucas needs more time with… whatever robotics he’s working with.” Lucretia says.

“And I checked in with the captain; he’s well on his way and sounds like he’s having a blast.” Killian adds.

“Tomorrow,” Taako agrees, nodding though Ren can’t see it. “Sounds, uh, sounds like my calendar is clear.”

Tomorrow, they’re headed to Refuge.

* * *

Tonight, however, Taako is in the moon base’s enormous cafeteria kitchen. Taako’s habit of stress cooking in conjunction with a large population to feed are reinforcing each other, and now Taako’s got half a dozen pots and pans sizzling and bubbling and sautéing all over the place.

And over the familiar din of his own cooking (quieter than usual, without Lup present), Taako hears his Stone of Farspeech signaling a call.

“Babe!” He exclaims, pleased at having successfully managed to answer the call using his elbow. “How were the necromancers? You chuck ‘em in ghost jail?”

“Hello, love. And yes, they are very much in ghost jail now.”

“Hell yeah, so, uh, listen, I was thinking… like, moon base is good for getting places, and I know I’m gonna be busy and I gotta be back early to head out tomorrow, but ‘s really no reason to _stay_ up here. Like, listen…” Taako’s voice drifts off, briefly fading into the room like the steam billowing upward from the pot of boiling water. “I wanna come home and see you.”

“Taako…”

“I miss you. And, you know, this is, this is different than, just, uh, just Reaper Squad business, ‘cause now you’re there, and I’m not.”

“Taako, I love you. And I would love nothing more than to be sitting at home with you.”

Taako pauses his chopping and looks back, squinting at the Stone on the counter. “I’m sensing a ‘but’ that isn’t _nearly_ as out of this world as mine.”

And Kravitz does sound unhappy as he says, “But I’m not home either right now. That was, those cultists you heard earlier were only part of a larger group planning something. We’re all out now, resting at the moment, but I don’t know that we’ll be back for a couple days.”

“Oh.” Both Taako’s shoulders and ears drop. So much for that plan.

Kravitz coughs. “And, and I don’t want you to be alone, especially not… especially not now. So perhaps it’s actually best if you’re up there with family?”

“Magnus and Merle don’t _count_,” Taako objects. “Nobody here counts!”

“What’d you roll on that deception check, a one?” The amusement has returned to Kravitz’s voice, even if Taako can still hear the regret in it.

Taako sputters at Kravitz’s teasing, smiling when it gets him to laugh. But then a thought strikes him. “Uh, Krav, bone daddy, babe, beloved fiancé… who’s watching the cats?”

There’s a significant pause.

“Susan,” Kravitz admits, defeated.

“But I hate Susan!”

“You don’t have to like her for her to feed the cats!”

“She’ll move the bowls around and Fluffy will try to eat real food and Toast will eat Crème’s food and Crème will eat _garbage_ and Cat Angus will fall in the water dish again!” Only the last has actually happened, but the kitten was indignant for days afterward.

“You made a Fantasy PowerPoint presentation for feeding the cats. The cats will be fine,” Kravitz reassures him. “Besides. I think literally everyone else we know who we’d trust to take care of the cats is working with you.”

Taako clicks his tongue. Kravitz has a point there. Not like he’d invite Susan on any kind of adventuring mission. “Unlesss…”

“Unless?” Kravitz responds automatically, the IPRE habit now thoroughly ingrained into his speech patterns. “Wait, wait, Taako, what are you thinking?”

“Nothing!” Taako says at once.

“Taako!”

“Dry pot roast would be useless in a fight against a chimera anyway. Even if it’s worse than a chimera.”

Taako is right. And, more importantly, it gets Kravitz to laugh again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Finally finished with chapter 4! My word count says it's the longest one yet for this fic and I have no idea how that happened! Refuge is up next, and who knows what will happen there?
> 
> Okay, yes, I do know what will happen there.
> 
> Oh, fun fact, I did a quick number crunch on the diamond disk, and Killian was moving over 768 kgs of diamond (or 1690 lbs). Killian is strong and I love her.
> 
> As always, kudos and comment to feed your local lich; bookmark, subscribe, check my works head to [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for content and updates


	5. Some People Like Their Weddings Rustic, Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With one item checked off the list, it’s on to Refuge. Is our favorite formerly time-sick town going to live up to its name and make things easy for us? Or are we in for some kind of spaghetti monster western?
> 
> Leave a message after the beep because Kravitz isn’t picking up, Taako is going into a tunnel, and nobody’s got Stone service right now.

* * *

DAY THREE

* * *

Kravitz doesn’t pick up when Taako calls early the next morning. That’s not _unusual_ per se though. Taako knows he’s not home right now, knows that he’s off chasing down necromancers and other assorted death criminals (and hopefully doing a better job with it than he did on one particularly memorable Candlenights mission). It’s not unusual for Kravitz to not answer if a mission requires a certain amount of stealth or undercover work. And, listen, there’d even been one time where he’d temporarily lost his Stone of Farspeech in a gamble with a particularly inventive priestess of Lolth. Taako had given him so much shit for that one.

So Taako does his best to keep any note of anxiety out of his voice as he leaves a message, knowing that Kravitz’s keen ears will deffo pick up on the errant note in the melody anyway.

Lup and Barry don’t pick up either. Taako breathes out slowly as he lowers his hand to drop the Stone of Farspeech noiselessly on the bed next to him. They’re fine. They’re absolutely fine. Taako has no reason at all to believe they are anything other than perfectly fine.

There’s no trip to the Fantasy Costco for fantasy shorts this time around, though Magnus and Merle have opted to recycle those pieces of their wardrobe, Magnus in cargo shorts and Merle in jortpurs.

As for Taako? Hell no, he’s not wearing that skirt again to Refuge! He died eleven times in that skirt! It’s haute couture now!

Avi is in the hangar ready for them to depart, as is Lucretia. Except, Lucretia looks like she’s headed somewhere as well.

“You goin’ somewhere, Cretia?” Taako asks, raising an eyebrow. “Or is it, uh, Casual Tuesday at the BoB?”

Lucretia looks down at her clothes, which look less Madame Director robes and more…

Taako hasn’t seen her wear shit like that in over a decade.

“You’re not going to Refuge with us, are you?” Magnus asks. “Cause, uh, you know we died there, right?”

“No, she definitely, definitely is not,” Taako answers for her immediately, before Lucretia can even open her mouth. “That’s gonna be a no from Taako.”

“No, I’m not.” Lucretia confirms. “But Carey found a likely candidate for the cloak, so-” She gestures at herself widely, plain adventuring clothes, cloak of her own, her new staff. “I’m going,” she finishes.

“But _where_ are you going?” Merle asks.

“Near Bottlenose Cove, but further inland.” Lucretia looks at Taako. “I’ll let you know if I find anything.”

Taako snorts. “Listen, Taako’s got this one in the bag. You’ll call, and we’ll be back up here already.”

“I hope so.”

“All right!” Avi calls. “Cannons are up and running and ready to go!”

Magnus perks up. “Oh, wait, Avi, I wanted to ask you about that whole ‘dragon territory’ thing-”

“Time to go!”

* * *

The sign welcoming them to Refuge is different now than the first time they came here. Of course, Refuge is more welcoming in general, what with the whole not being surrounded by an impenetrable time bubble thing (thanks, Magnus). Makes a hell of a difference, just moseying on up to a place instead of getting shot out a cannon straight at a solid wall.

Because Refuge really is a mosey on up kind of place, from the sign that now simply reads “Welcome to Refuge” with “We made our world safe” in smaller lettering beneath, past Helpington’s and the Davy Lamp (and Taako has to admire Ren’s ability to multitask), the non-collapsing bank with its not on fire clocktower and the sheriff’s office with its likely empty jail cell up to the elder’s manor now occupied by Cassidy.

They’re almost at the sign when they hear, “Hello, visitors! Please identify yourselves,” in a familiar chirping voice. Roswell flits down from where they’re perched atop the sign to land on Taako’s shoulder. “I’m just kidding. I know who you are.”

“Cool, but, uh, did we ever actually introduce ourselves?”

“Yeah, we’re kinda bad at that,” Merle adds, contemplatively tugging on the end of his beard.

“Uhhh, I _think_ we did on the first loop?” Magnus says. “Definitely, definitely by the second loop. Or was it the fifth? No, we definitely did on the first loop, because they were very insistent.”

Roswell tweets out a few notes similar to a laugh. “You did. Each time.”

“Very insistent,” Magnus repeats, nodding.

“Whether you introduced yourself to everyone else each time is the real question,” a familiar voice calls, and Taako grins.

“Did I need to?”

“Fine, _you_ didn’t, not to me, at least.” Ren replies, stopping before them, wearing her usual Refuge hat and purple-tinted sunglasses, with a few extras. She looks ready to go spelunking or whatever the shit they’re calling this cave diving mission with adventuring gear and a few lanterns and headlamps.

“You didn’t introduce yourselves to me though until seven years after I met you,” June has followed after, the young human woman holding a pack of her own and enough knives that even Carey would approve.

“Well, I did the first time.”

“Magnus, I was a toddler.”

“But I remember it!”

“Hang on, you’re not going, are you?” Merle asks, eyeing June. “Are you old enough for that?”

“I know the mines as well as anyone, and better than Ren and Roswell,” June answers plainly, looking about as stubborn as the red clay beneath their feet. Magnus and Merle look to Taako, their faces plainly indicating it’s Taako’s call.

And Taako, for his part, is cool with it. “Yeah, uh, we only got through half of the whole world saving thing because of competent women. Plus, kinda, kinda got Ango into some shit when he was, like, an actual baby.”

“We did solve a murder with a ten year old,” Magnus nods solemnly.

“Did we ever actually introduce ourselves to the kid or did he just detective that shit out?”

“Ask him tomorrow,” Taako says by way of answer.

“I don’t like the sound of that.”

“Hello, hello, no need to introduce yourselves to Paloma.” The old woman has finished toddling over. She at least is not holding any kind of adventuring gear, ‘cause Taako’s not sure how to handle that one. She is, however, holding a basket of scones. “Never was a need. Scone?”

Taako reaches out immediately for a scone. If he cast Detect Magic right now, he’s sure they would be lighting the fuck up with scone magic. “Don’t mind if I-”

“GERBLINS!” A familiar top hat-wearing, half-orc woman comes sprinting in from the direction of the quarry. She skids to a halt, nearly bowling over Paloma, doubling over and resting her hands on her knees. “Sorry- sorry I’m late- hoo- that is- that there’s a real long way up from where I was at in the mines- hoo- now if all y’all’ll just let ol’ Cassidy catch her breath for a minnit.” Fine by Taako. He grabs a scone. Mm. Blueberry and lemon. He wonders if Paloma will give him the recipe.

“Cassidy was down double-checking everything in the mines,” June says by way of explanation.

“Well, gee, Cassidy, why didn’t you just climb up outta the well?” Magnus jabs a thumb in the direction of the boss fight speed run entrance.

“Yeah! We used that on the last loop! We got around so much shit- like the collapsed entrance ‘n the locker bomb puzzle ‘n the elevator ride ‘n the fuzzy flesh eater bugs ‘n the cart ride ‘n the card puzzle.” Merle says, ticking off each solved puzzle as he goes.

“Yeah! And it’s not even blocked by time bubble anymore, uh, thank you.” Magnus pats the Chance Lance strapped to his back.

Cassidy looks up, face somewhere between impressed and regretful. “That… that woulda been a, a real good idea… hoo.”

“Mmhmm, yeah, hindsight’s 20/20 and all. Scone?” Taako swipes another scone from Paloma’s basket to offer it to Cassidy. 

“20/20? Like 20 diamonds? Or, uh, 20 and 20 diamonds? That’s what, then, 80 diamonds?” Cassidy takes the scone. “Yeah, real smart idea worth 80 whole diamonds.”

“Right.” Ren says. “So, as we’ve already… hit on, the plan is to climb down the well to get easier access to the mine shafts. From there, follow the holes Cassidy blew into the mine. Cassidy fed the mites down there already, but we’ve got these-” Ren lifts the lanterns, “-to keep them away and for those who can’t see in the dark.”

“Me!” Magnus yells, making grabby hands until Ren hands over a headlamp.

“Me, too.”

“Yeah, human squad!” Magnus holds his hand up for a high five from June, who accepts.

“I have one eye and can’t see in the dark either,” Merle says, pointing at the eye patch he got from Wonderland.

“Human squad plus Merle!” Magnus amends, loudly, strapping the headlamp onto his head, now exceeding even normal levels of Magnus ridiculousness. No thanks, Taako’s good out here. He’s already got a hat. “Oh, shit, Roswell, can you see in the dark? What kind of bird are you again?”

“Magnus, I- listen, that’s not- okay, this form is a vermillion flycatcher-”

“And can those see in the dark?”

“I don’t- it doesn’t matter. Still an earth elemental.” They reply, ruffling their feathers. “And earth elementals can see in the dark.”

“Works for me,” Taako says. “Cause, uh, I don’t think we’ve got a tiny headlamp anywhere.”

“We don’t.” Roswell answers. “Oh, on the plus side, I haven’t broken a chair in years.”

“Hell yeah, wing five, looking on the upside.” Taako raises his hand. Roswell studies him for a moment before they take flight, flitting to quickly brush their wing against his hand.

“We will stay up here,” Paloma points at herself and Cassidy, now gratefully eating two more scones. “Just in case. It will be fine though.” Paloma winks at Taako. Taako wonders if she knows how ambiguous that looks.

Cause it looks pretty fuckin’ ambiguous to Taako.

“So, uh, we good?” Taako asks, half to Paloma, half to everyone else. At the chorus of assents, Taako nods. “Time to jump in another well. Went so well the last two times.”

Magnus is already running. “Last one in is a rotten-”

“Feather Fall!” Taako yells after him, and Magnus stops, almost running straight into the well, rope from his adventuring kit already in his hands.

“But I could do cool acrobatics shit!” Magnus whines.

“Here we go,” Merle grumbles, rolling his eye.

“And if you just completely and utterly fuck it up, then what will happen?” Ren asks, with more patience than Taako is inclined to think Magnus deserves.

“Merle does a shitty job healing me?”

“Hey!”

“Besides, doesn’t Feather Fall have a limit of-” Magnus does a quick count of their party. “Okay, there’s six of us, and Feather Fall can only do five!” He says, triumphant.

Roswell looks at Magnus, their face so distinctly unimpressed that it’s obvious even with a bird’s face. “Magnus. I can fly.”

“Aw!”

And so the six of them, with Roswell flying, descend through the well into the mines below. Taako looks around as he floats downward, studying the dark cave, all shades of gray to him in this light. And as his feet lightly touch down on the closed opening over the wide hole in the ground, Taako is pleased to note: Shaft A has a distinct lack of purple worm and a distinct new hole in the wall.

“Ya see that there hole in the wall?” Cassidy yells down from the top of the well, her form blocking out half of the light coming from above. Taako can’t see Paloma at all, but he’s pretty sure she’s not actually tall enough to look into the thing. “I done sploded that hole in the wall just for you!”

“Yeah, we got it, Cassidy!” Magnus calls back.

“Are ya sure? Not all you gerblins have Darkvision!”

“We have lights, Cassidy!” June calls back, lighting a lantern. Magnus and Merle join her, lighting their headlamps.

“Oh, there’s a hole in the wall!” Merle jokes as June casts a wide beam of light across the mine shaft.

“That’s what I was sayin’!”

“Thanks, Cassidy!” Ren calls before looking at Taako. “Taako?”

Taako’s still eyeing the recently blown hole in the wall. It looks fine, but… “How likely is this to collapse on top of us?”

“It won’t,” Ren answers immediately. “If there’s one thing that Cassidy knows, it’s making things explode. And she can do it safely.”

“Aaaaaaaaaand shouldn’t be anything down here, right?”

“Cassidy!” Ren calls up. “There’s nothing down here but us, right?”

“Twarn’t nuthin’ down there but me ‘n my splosions afore! Plus the mites, but I fed ‘em and you got lights ‘n all!”

Ren looks back to Taako, waiting.

“Well, no time like the present.” Taako sets off a Light cantrip with ease.

“Just like that.” Ren throws out a Light cantrip of her own.

“I mean, listen, if I’m dead, too, then I can marry Kravitz that way.”

“I guess… I guess that’s one way to do it.”

Taako pauses. “But we’re gonna be fine.”

Ren nods. “We’re gonna be fine.”

They start forward, and the hole in the wall quickly becomes a tunnel, mostly round, generally speaking thirty feet in diameter. “You know, I think, I think the last time we were in a mine like this, it was Wave Echo Cave.” Merle’s voice echoes over the walls.

Taako scoffs. “Pretty sure the last time we were in a mine like this, it was _this mine_, old man.”

“Yeah, but we rode everywhere last time we were here!”

The tunnel widens, opening onto a larger underground chamber within the earth. “How the fuck did Cassidy do this?”

“She didn’t.” Roswell answers. “She connected a couple underground caves to get to the one where the meteorite fell.”

“Uh-huh. And, uh, quick question, maybe everyone just forgot the obvious, but why didn’t we just go in through the top to get to the meteorite?” Magnus’s echoing voice doesn’t send the little soot black flesh-eating bugs scattering, but the wide beams of light from the various headlamps and lanterns and Lights do. “Like, okay, pretty sure that had to put a hole in the ground to go underground.”

“Yeah, and the ground collapsed around it, so the hole disappeared,” June says, easily navigating the cave terrain. “And Cassidy said if we tried to blow that up, we’d just collapse the whole thing. Figured you didn’t wanna dig that much.”

And yeah, Taako’s not interested in labor or inefficiency right now. “Cassidy say just how may underground caves she connected?” Taako asks as they reach the end of the natural formation, going back to another exploded tunnel.

“Should be in the fourth one, boss.”

Taako heaves a dramatic sigh. “At least it isn’t seven.”

* * *

They walk for some time, not quite enough time to read one of those high fantasy scrolls with the halflings and the snobby elves and the one wizard where all they do is walking, but still. And the caves are empty, aside from the occasional mite fleeing, no room for grinding along the way.

Cassidy’s final hole in the wall opens onto a massive underground chamber, easily the biggest of the four they’ve passed through and the size of the mine shaft, but naturally carved, probably by the now trickling underground river still winding its way over the uneven cave floor, probably what carved out all of them.

Taako looks around. It’s pretty rocky, pretty craggy, what with the stalactites and stalagmites. No meteorite immediately obvious.

“What’s the difference between stalactites and stalagmites again?”

“I’m pretty sure one of them has a c and an extra t, and one of them has a g and an m,” Magnus replies.

“Gee, thanks, Maggie, that’s real helpful.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

Taako interrupts the two. “The c is for ceiling and g is for ground, now can we puh-lease focus on the shit at hand?”

Taako is answered not by one of the five with him, but by a low, guttural growl slowly rising from the stone itself to fill the chamber with sound before dying off to faint echoes.

“What was _that_?” June asks. “I- I’ve never heard anything like that down here.”

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Ren says quietly to Taako.

“Hey, uh, guys? Is it just me… or is that big boulder over there moving?” Magnus’s voice goes high with uncertainty.

The remaining lights swivel in the direction that Magnus is facing, and the added beams of light fall on what does look a hell of a lot like a moving boulder. And maybe it’s just the lighting, the combination of the weird cave and the headlamps, but said moving boulder looks weirdly purple. Weirdly, because, as with all the rest of Refuge, most of the stone here is a reddish-brown.

“So, uh, rock monster?” Taako tries to keep his voice breezy and even. “Cool, cool, just Shatter it, good to go.”

“Taako? You know how I’m from the Underdark?”

“Uh, yeah, ‘course, you saw my show there, Row D, Seat 17, was the quiche Lorraine.”

“Okay, the effort you put into remembering that now is sweet, but, um.” Ren pauses. “I don’t think that’s a rock monster.”

And as she talks, the moving boulder rises, further, and where Taako would expect more rock monster, there is nothing, as the boulder hovers in the air, levitating. There’s another guttural warning sound as several tendrils separate from the boulder.

Ren lets out what Taako’s pretty sure are some Drow swears. So much for unoccupied.

And all at once, far too many eyes open. One each at the end of each of the tendrils, no _eye stalks_, and one large, shining, malevolent eye in the center of what is most definitely not a boulder. The Beholder opens its mouth, in a wide, toothy grin that is in no way friendly.

“Maybe it’s friendly?” Magnus stage-whispers.

“Somehow I doubt that,” Roswell whispers back.

“No, no, it’s chill. I’ve got animal handling proficiency; that’s basically the same thing as monster proficiency.” Magnus clears his throat. “Uh, hail and well met, monster friend!” 

“Yeah, uh…what’s up?” Merle calls.

The Beholder draws in a breath before letting out a monstrous scream. Taako swallows, remembering Ren’s remarks about not wanting to explode this cave and cause a cave-in. He really would prefer to not have to die in order to marry Kravitz.

“Didn’t quite get that!” Magnus yells back.

Taako’s brain starts firing again, and he snaps his attention back to the matter at hand. “Mango, are you that- Beholders do Deep Speech and Undercommon; that’s it!” Okay, with a few exceptions, but Taako doubts this is one of them.

“Oh, right! Does anyone here speak Deep Speech or Undercommon?”

“Magnus, as the only one here who heard stories about Beholders growing up in the Underdark, you know underground, where Beholders live, I cannot stress enough that this is a bad idea.”

“Wait, Ren, you speak Undercommon!” Of course, the entirety of Ren’s warning flies straight over Magnus’s head. “Can you try it? Please?”

“Yeah, maybe he just wants a friend!” But Merle doesn’t have a magic sack to pull Angus out of with an offer of being pen pals.

Ren looks at Taako. Taako looks at Ren. They both know this is a _terrible_ idea, but- “You know, uh, he’s befriended weirder. And, listen, maybe we can avoid the whole rolling initiative and potential cave-in if it knows we just wanna grab the rock and head out.”

“This is a bad idea,” Ren sighs, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opens them again though, there’s a determined look on her face, and she starts speaking in a language Taako recognizes, but doesn’t speak. There are parts to Undercommon that sound enough like Common that he can occasionally get the gist of it, but overall he’s got nothing.

Ren stops. And, astonishingly, it seems like it works. The Beholder is still smiling, wider even, which is probably gonna be menacing no matter how you slice it, what with all the teeth and some nasty monster drool dripping off in globs the size of Taako’s fist, and then it starts speaking back to Ren, also in Undercommon, voice as gravelly and rough as the cave around them.

Ren winces.

“Well?” Magnus asks.

“Yeah, he didn’t like that.”

“What!”

“He may also have threatened you with maiming, petrification, and disintegration.”

“What!”

The Beholder opens its mouth wide and lets out another scream, spraying spittle outward and shaking the cave around them.

“He _really_ didn’t like that!”

Taako moves fast, because, unlike Magnus, he’d listened to his second-in-command and had been preparing for shit to go sideways. Unfortunately, the Beholder is faster; in the literal blink of the massive eye in the center of its body, speedy fucker activates its antimagic cone, and Taako’s Blight spell evaporates well before it can hit its target. Taako and Ren’s Light cantrips fizzle out as well.

_Fuck_. Taako thinks as the Beholder, eye stalks waving and too many teeth practically glowing under their lights floats forward. Too late he realizes he probably should have run to the side, get out of the fuckin’ antimagic cone as soon as possible.

“Um, um, shit!” Ren darts forward, muttering “Shit!” the whole way as she goes not for the magic rod strapped to her back but some kind of pocket on her side. There’s a flick of Ren’s hand, and then another bellowing screech from the Beholder, and Ren stops, hands on her hips, pleased with herself.

“When’d you learn that?” Taako yells, the sound bouncing around the cave.

“Who do you think taught June first?” Ren yells back. It’s then that she processes that the Beholder is staring straight at her. “Oh, FUCK!” Ren takes skittering, stumbling steps backward back toward the rest of the group, not quite daring to turn and run. As she goes, sure enough, the babiest rogue on the team sprints forward up to Ren, letting her own dagger fly. And with it flies Roswell, a flash of bright red against the clay, flying straight at the Beholder, so close as to nearly hit it before banking at the last minute, flapping their wings in the Beholder’s face before flying off to the right. And that’s enough distraction for June’s sneak attack dagger, evoking another scream.

In retaliation, an eye stalk turns, and a crackling black ray shoots upward and outward away from the Beholder before arcing down. The eye ray dissipates upon impact with the antimagic cone, but the sharp smell of necrotic energy hits Taako even back here. The Beholder lets out a dissatisfied growl that reverberates through the air.

“Antimagic field?” Taako hears from behind him. “No problem!” Taako hears from in front of him, because, as always, Magnus rushes right in. The fighter skids to a halt just past Ren and June, throwing the Chance Lance straight into what Taako might call the Beholder’s forehead. The minute hand that used to occupy a spot on the clock in Istus’s temple is embedded in the screaming, thrashing Beholder, which is throwing its eye stalks at the Chance Lance as if that might dislodge it. “Ha! Nailed it!” Magnus pumps his fist in the air. “To me, spear friend!” He calls dramatically, expecting the Chance Lance to return at once to his grasp.

It does not.

“Hey, uh, guys-”

“Antimagic fields negate magic items, too, ya dingus!” Taako bellows, almost as loud as the Beholder’s scream.

“Wait, really? Tits!” Magnus yells. “But my extra attacks! Oh well!” Shrugging, Magnus surges forward, drawing the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom (or not so flaming, raging, and poisoning right now, what with the antimagic field) and swinging at the Beholder. “Wait, what- aw, fuck, _magic sword_!” Magnus yells, first swing going wide, crashing into a stalagmite. Taako smacks his hand to his forehead. This is Cycle 59 all over again- who thought a party composition of six wizards and a fighter was a good idea? “I’m still gonna kick your ass! Wait, do Beholders have asses? Ren, translate!” Magnus shouts back as he swings again, this time connecting.

“I would rather-” Ren’s reply is drowned out by the Beholder, which still has _way_ too many eyes focused on her.

“Hm. Fuck!” Magnus exclaims, and turns to run. The Beholder’s teeth come crashing down on Magnus’s shield, missing Magnus entirely. Using those rogue skills Carey taught him (and doing more running than Taako is interested in), Magnus dashes back to skid to a halt between Ren and June. “Miss me?” He asks them.

Taako leans over to Merle. “So that was exhausting.” Further off, the Beholder shoots an electric blue beam at Roswell, who dodges nimbly.

“Yeah, what year is it? Pretty sure that took a few.”

“Have you _done_ anything yet?”

“Oh yeah!” Merle pauses, thinking. “Uh… shit.”

Taako considers as well. “Shit.”

“You go that way, I go this way?” Merle quickly gestures left and right. “Great plan, see ya!” The dwarf starts running for the edge of the antimagic cone.

“Don’t blow up the cave!” Taako nearly shrieks after him. “We already died 11 times here!” And Taako’s not particularly interested in digging the meteorite out besides.

“I won’t, I won’t!” Merle makes it to the edge of the cone, but only just, and instead of hitting the Beholder, his Guiding Bolt lights up a section of the wall that they’ll definitely be able to hit if they want. Which they don’t.

“The fuck was that?”

“…Irony!” A glowing, spiritual battleaxe appears behind the Beholder and chops right into it, causing the Beholder to screech (and Taako sincerely hopes that the fight isn’t _actually_ gonna bring the cave down around his elven ears). The Beholder, thoroughly pissed the fuck off (as if it wasn’t already), flies forward, eye stalks firing off three separate rays as it goes. Roswell takes flight and avoids a blindingly white ray. A ray so dark that Taako can only pick out its green hue when it passes through the lights of their lamps crashes once more against the antimagic cone. But Merle isn’t so lucky, and the purple ray hits solidly before spreading to encompass all of Merle.

“Huh?” Merle yelps as he rises a few feet in the air, telekinetically lifted. And then he’s unceremoniously flung with a “YAAAAAAAARGH!” straight at the trio of Magnus, Ren, and June. Merle nearly bowls over June before Magnus catches at the dwarf. The Beholder growls at Magnus, obviously annoyed. The sound fills the chamber as it did when they heard the first warning growl, and the cave shakes from stalactites to stalagmites. Taako can see even from back here that the Beholder is glaring at Magnus with clear loathing in its eyes.

But it goes after Ren.

In the same moment that the Beholder moves, Magnus lunges, slamming the Beholder down to the ground with his shield. When the Beholder manages to pull its face out of the ground, Taako can see between his family and friends that it’s chipped a couple teeth. Not to mention the Chance Lance still sticking out of the top of its head. Taako starts moving.

The Beholder roars straight in the faces of the four standing there.

“So, he didn’t like that?” Magnus leans over, stage whispering to Ren.

“He _really_ didn’t like that,” Ren confirms, voice fearful but wry.

Okay. This is _clearly_ getting out of hand. Out of hand, so onto the finger. Specifically, Finger of Death. “Hey, ten eyes! This Bird’s giving you the bird!” Taako flips off the Beholder as the spell hits. The loudest roar yet shakes the cave around them, breaking several stalactites off and sending them crashing to the ground below. Taako looks up to the ceiling, holding his breath as he looks for cracks of light.

Which is exactly how he misses the eye ray.

As the Beholder is still screaming, another purple eye ray hits Taako, lifting him into the air. And, listen, strength saves have never been Taako’s strong suit, so it’s a quick fastball special to join everyone else. Right in front of the Beholder. Having just hit it for what some might completely arbitrarily call 59 points of damage.

_Fuck_. Taako has time to think as he misses landing on his feet entirely, instead falling flat on his face. Yep. That’s gonna leave a mark. Or five. Taako can already feel the bruises forming.

“Taako!” Being a generally good person, Ren helps him back up to standing as June and Roswell start their tag team, this time with a shortsword. Unsurprisingly, it works. They’re still standing directly in front of an angry Beholder, but it works.

Taako spares a moment to wonder if any of this quest is going to be simple.

Seems pretty fuckin’ unlikely at this point.

Kravitz is worth it.

“It’s okay, guys! I got it!” Magnus holds the Flaming, Raging, Poisoning Sword of Doom up again. “Tank time!” As he runs out of the antimagic field, the sword bursts into flame again. And Magnus is promptly hit by an eye ray. Specifically, the same crackling black ray full of necrotic energy that the Beholder sent at Ren earlier. Magnus stumbles, shaking it off. “Okay! That did not feel great! Merle, please tell me you prepared healing spells today!”

But of course, Magnus doesn’t wait for an answer before launching himself at the Beholder. The first hit pushes the Beholder nearer to them. “June! Shortsword!” June’s hit pushes the Beholder back into Magnus’s second, precise strike. And, you know, listen, Taako’s starting to think that the Flaming, Raging, Poisoning Sword of Doom really is overpowered.

Too bad that’s not his problem.

Magnus grabs onto the Chance Lance as he goes in for his third attack. “Consider yourself goaded.” The Beholder roars, now severely wounded but still severely pissed off. Magnus yanks the Chance Lance out, and, one by one, the Beholder’s eyes close, the largest last of all. It drops to the ground. “Consider yourself dead.”

Nope. None of this is gonna be simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Happy Halloween! I'm not entirely sure as to when the next update will be unfortunately given my current schedule, but optimistically within the next two weeks! I hope you enjoyed the fight scene; I rolled all of it, and yes, there were both crit misses and hits in there!
> 
> Kudos and comment to feed our local lich; bookmark/subscribe/go to [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for more content and updates.


	6. Beach Weddings are Always Magical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forget the monster mayhem, the mystery that is blacksmithing, and the non-mystery that is interplanar exploratory missions, we’ve come to the real hard part of the story: heartfelt conversations.
> 
> Taako isn’t alone. Kravitz kind of is. This is turning into one long week.

There’s a pause as each of them heaves out a long, long breath.

“Shit, Magnus, that was a cool line,” Roswell says, flitting down from where they’d been hiding in the shadows of the stalactites to land on June’s shoulder.

Taako sets off another Light cantrip, adding his own glow back to the mix of lanterns from Refuge. “Nah, it really wasn’t.”

“Now hold on!” Magnus objects instantly, putting away both sword and minute hand to put his hands on his hips, indignant. “That was cool!”

“You know, buddy? It really wasn’t.” Merle shakes his head slowly, feigning disappointment. “Ya really let us down there.”

“Yeah, you sure it wasn’t psychic damage from saying stupid shit that killed the Beholder?” Taako asks, and Magnus’s frown goes deeper.

“I did like five million attacks and saved all your butts!”

“Yeah, and I did _one_, but it still did, like, a third of the damage!” Taako has got his hands on his hips, too, and he and Magnus are scowling at each other.

In unison, they wheel on Merle and ask, _“And what did you do, Merle?”_

“Hey!” Merle’s shout echoes through the cave, as Ren hides a smile behind a Light cantrip of her own and June stifles her quick giggle. “I- I did-” Merle pauses to consider. “Well, _shit_.” He exclaims.

“Exactly!” Taako snaps his fingers, and Magnus shakes his head in mock disappointment.

“I- I- I made the tree grow yesterday!”

“But what have you done for me lately? Hm?”

“Yeah, hmm?”

Merle scowls himself before licking his thumb (thankfully the flesh one and not the tree one) before flipping the Extreme Teen Bible open. “I am Cleric Merle, champion of nature! On behalf of the Pan, I will fix shit and heal the party, and that means you!”

June’s stifled giggles become full on, unabashed peals of laughter as the familiar feeling of Merle’s healing, like spring’s first crocuses sprouting through the snow or the quiet whispering of green things growing in the dark part of the woods, washes over Taako and the rest there. Not that Taako strictly speaking _needs_ a whole lotta healing, but hey, if Merle’s actually gonna heal for once, Taako’s not gonna complain about that.

“Thank you!” Well, sounds like Magnus will.

“That sounded sarcastic!”

“But it wasn’t!” But only sounds like it.

“Okay, cool, uh, now that the cave’s _actually_ empty, let’s find that rock.” Taako declares, clapping his hands together, the sound bouncing around the cavern. The faintest of echoes haven’t made it back to the group before they’ve split up, searching.

Taako’s been searching over a patch that seems like it might have had a meteorite crash through it, when his Light crosses over a weird, large lump of rock that’s a different color from everything else in the cave. And the Light crosses over it just as the beam of a headlamp does.

“Found it!” Taako and Magnus shout in unison. “No, I did! I found it first!”

“Do they… practice this?” Taako hears June ask Ren as the rest of the group approach.

“No, they’re just like that.” Taako can also hear the smile in Ren’s voice.

“Oh, yeah, they’ve been like that for years.” Merle agrees with Ren. “’S even worse when Lup gets in on it.”

Magnus continues trotting forward and grabs the meteorite. “Just gimme one- GOT IT!” Magnus yells in triumph as he hefts the meteorite up with fuckin’ aplomb, lifting it so fast he practically catapults the thing back up out of the cave entirely.

“Uh, Magnus?” Ren says. “Not to rain on your parade-”

“Don’t worry, Ren! No rainclouds on this parade!”

“But you do realize we have to carry that back, right?”

Magnus pauses, for once considering. “Uh… _got it!_ Magnus rushes out!” Magnus sprints out, or sprints out as fast as he can while holding a boulder.

Merle peers owlishly at Taako and Ren. “Can’t you two cast Levitate?”

* * *

Moving at a leisurely pace, the rest of the group had caught up to Magnus within the third tunnel. Getting the rock up out of the mines and back Refuge-side had been executed with the usual level of Tres Horny Boys competence. Which is to say, Taako’s yelling had filled the whole of shaft A as he’d Levitated the meteorite up and out while Ren had Levitated Taako to be able to see, and Magnus had hung on a rope five feet below Taako, yelling not so helpful encouragement, and Merle had been ten feet below Magnus, grumbling about the time in the elevator shaft. Which is also to say, their usual level of competence, but without adding to their across the board nonzero death counts.

Once they’d gotten both meteorite and their asses the fuck out of the mines, it had been off to the Davy Lamp to chill the fuck out for 20 minutes. Shortly thereafter, Magnus had asked about a blacksmith (“Ren! Do you have an old-timey blacksmith ‘round these here parts?” which had been answered with a wry, “We have a regular blacksmith.” Magnus hadn’t changed his tone at all as he answered, “That works, too!”) and gone to start turning a rock into a crown.

Now Taako is still in the Davy Lamp, just… waiting. For any kind of update. From Magnus, from Lucretia, from Angus or Davenport, from Lup or Barry. From Kravitz. It had been pretty quiet in here at first, with just Merle attempting to play shuffleboard by himself on the horribly tilted table while June and Roswell had escorted Magnus to the blacksmith. Even quieter when Taako had ducked out for a few minutes to call the Reaper Squad again.

And again, no one had picked up.

Taako has no reason to be worried.

But he might be sulking.

With a few hours having passed, it’s more like what Taako expects is the usual level of business, when Ren hasn’t closed the place to go adventuring with Taako. Merle’s still at the shuffleboard table and has been trying to get Brogden to play for a solid twenty minutes. June is alternating between serving drinks and absolutely wrecking shop at the darts board every time Ash bets that she can’t nail some trick shot. Said gambling elf is currently being consoled by their friend after losing to June for the umpteenth time.

Taako looks back to his drink and swirls the glass, clinking the ice cubes around.

“Hey,” Ren rests her forearms on the bar and leans over to talk to Taako. “You all right there, Taako?”

“Hm, uh, yeah, never better.” Taako looks past Ren. “Have I ever told you that that is a _really_ nice backsplash?”

“Taako.”

“Ren.”

“Taako.”

“Ren?”

“Taako!”

“Fine!” Taako throws his head back to stare at the ceiling of the Davy Lamp for a moment before snapping it back. “Just still a lotta shit to do.”

“Yeah. Yeah, there is that.” Ren tilts her head, studying Taako. “But you’re gonna do it.”

“Yeah, uh, I know that. But, uh, if, for, uh, curiosity’s sake, I _didn’t_ know that, what makes you so sure?”

“Because you’re _Taako_.” Ren’s answer is simple, but familiar, and it gets Taako to laugh.

“That was a, uh, kind of a dick move, the second time I came in here.”

“Oh, it absolutely was,” Ren says, completely sincerely. “Just a whole damn string of dick moves the entire hour.”

“Yeahhhhh.” Taako drags the word out. “Sorry about that?”

“Well, you still did some… you tried to save me. Completely fucked it up of course, but you still tried. And you paid attention. And you gave me a job.”

“’Course, school would be, uh, not very well run without you.”

“Complete disaster.”

“Plus we’re friends.”

“Yeah. We are.”

“Plus you’re one of, you know, two people I trust to help cater my wedding!”

Ren laughs now. “Definitely. I’ll make cream puffs. And speaking of which, you know, you could call again. To be honest, I’m surprised you haven’t.”

“Nah, just… they’ll call when they can.” Taako shrugs. “So now I wait. For everything.” He adds, heaving a sigh for dramatic effect.

“Hm, no.” Ren hums, unswayed by Taako’s theatrics. “Actually, right now, I think you’ve got somewhere to visit.”

* * *

We open, once again, in the realm of a goddess. This one, however, is far more humble, not an endless sea of lights, nor a grand throne room, but a small, simple temple, built not by immortal will but by mortal hands. A clock tower, smaller than the other in the town, counts time outside with a minute hand a few shades less tarnished than the hour hand, while within the four plain walls are rows of plain pews leading to a plain altar. Still, it is warm and cozy, with sunbeams pouring in through the high windows, filling the space with light, catching the floating motes of dust like fragments of some shattered star. It is quiet, the bustle of the town too distant to carry through on the wind. The only sign of the deity presiding over the space is a tapestry, the grandest and perhaps the only grand thing in the temple, proudly hung in a place of honor behind the altar. The people and the city depicted in the tapestry are joyful and safe within the embrace of a woman whose long, white hair flows into the borders of the tapestry.

The only people present now are two brothers, similar but not the same, dressed in equally similar but not identical clerical robes. Even in the now empty temple, they are jovial, still rejoicing in the second chance (or perhaps, thousands of second chances) afforded to them by fate. They are tidying the space, sweeping under the pews, straightening the few tomes there, shaking a few more stars into the sky as they shake dust from the curtains. And perhaps by luck, or perhaps by fate, Luca and Redmond are leaving when a figure, familiar to both the brothers and to us, appears in the doorway.

Taako feigns nonchalance, lies (badly) about just wanting to stop in and check out the place again. He pretends he doesn’t see it when the two brothers exchange a significant glance; Taako is well familiar with what it is to be able to communicate with your sibling with a single look.

After two claps on the back and a few more greetings exclaimed and exchanged, the brothers continue their departure. Taako wanders further in, takes a seat in the second row (not so close as to appear eager, but close enough to pay attention, as is his now distant habit from years past), alone in the space and alone with his thoughts.

But then, perhaps not so alone.

* * *

“Hello, Taako.”

Taako doesn’t jump at the voice suddenly next to him. It’s not entirely unexpected. “Hey, Lady Iz.” He says, casually, as he might anyone else.

Istus laughs, delighted with the lack of formality. “How are you?”

Taako knows that she knows the answer, and he knows that she knows that he knows. He answers regardless. “Yeah, I had to fight a roc and a Beholder. And I have less than a week to get six more things to be able to marry my fiancé. So. Not great.” It’s a more direct answer than the one he gave to Ren. And generally more direct than Taako prefers being.

But, well, he really doesn’t have the time to waste now, does he?

“No, I can imagine that would be. Very difficult.” Istus’s hands are busily knitting away at her scarf all the while. If Taako glances to his left, not quite head on at Istus, then, out of the corner of his eye, he’ll get flashes of color as they’re woven into the tapestry of time and fate: reds and browns common to Refuge, steely silver and cold white like the moon base, night black and the darkest of reds, a flash of pink and a trace of blue. “But how are you?”

Now Taako looks at Istus directly. Her eyes are, for the moment, just as focused on her knitting as her hands are, and Taako watches as the goddess of fate sticks her tongue out for a moment to make a stitch. “You’re gonna make me say it?”

“I can’t make you do anything, Taako.”

“I’m fuckin’ pissed.” Taako’s knees aren’t shaking with fear, but he is bouncing one in frustration. “Like, okay, listen. I love Kravitz. I’m gonna put up with this shit, but. Having to do it in the first place. Like, uh, no, it’s not fuckin’ _enough_ that I helped save everyone’s ass _and _pretty much singlehandedly got the gods back in the world-saving game _and_ rescued my fiancé from the absolute shitshow that was the Astral Plane. It’s not enough that I did all that shit before that, from the, the _century_ of running and the Relics and losing my sister. It’s not even enough that I love him!” Taako’s voice, high with anger, expands in the space, rising and writhing and almost concealing the thread of fear still winding its way through. “I could fail.” The last words are soft.

“You could,” Istus agrees, her words hitting like an iron fist in kid gloves.

“That is. Not exactly encouraging.” Taako’s voice is breathless as though the goddess did just sucker punch his sorry ass. “I’ve got all this shit to do, and you’re gonna remind me that even with what I’ve done and what I’m gonna do, I could still fuck it all up.”

Istus’s eyes move from her knitting to Taako. He doesn’t quail, ‘cause, uh, Taako’s a coward and he’s good out here, but when push comes to shove, he can be immovable if he wants. “I’ve told you before that I can see all futures, every possibility of every future. And I can see the most likely path. Not that I’ll be telling you what that is,” Istus adds as Taako opens his mouth. Taako closes his mouth and scowls at the goddess. “I can see more of the tapestry than you can, Taako. And something that you can see and should know, is that you’re still not doing this alone. Yes, when it comes down to it, you’re the one pulling the strings, as it were. But-” Istus’s hands don’t seem to stop moving, but suddenly Taako is holding a piece of yarn. It’s soft, almost airy, and magic as hell. He rolls it between his fingers, watching as the twist collapses into dozens of individual, iridescent fibers. He rolls it the other way, and the twist reforms. “One fiber does not a string make.”

“I _know_ I’m not alone in doing this shit.” Taako snaps, handing the thread back over. Again, Istus’s hands don’t leave her work, but the thread is gone. “But. Like, okay, you know, I can’t have Kravitz helping me in the whole us two getting married quest. I can’t have my sister, which, uh, didn’t have her for ten fuckin’ years, so that fuckin’ sucks, or Barold, who’s just… he’s _Barold_.”

“You, Merle, and Magnus were the ones I gave that choice to. Lucretia channeled more magic than I ever could to disrupt the Hunger. Davenport led you through a century and brought you to the other side. And the others, Ren and June and Roswell, Paloma and Cassidy, Angus and Killian and Carey and Avi, Hurley and Sloane-”

“Not that I don’t appreciate the fuckin’ recap, but are you just gonna name every person I know?” Taako interrupts.

Istus, however, smiles. “No. No, I am not. While Kravitz, Lup, and Barry cannot, cannot _directly _assist with this, they still love you, dearly. And I think, perhaps, you’ll be able to speak with them later, and they’ll remind you that, even separated, they are with you. Taako, you once worried that no one else would have you-”

“Eavesdropping is _rude_.”

“You have so many people who love you, who are doing so much to help, who are sure of you. That more than anything I could say should assure you of success.”

The most annoying thing about being an emissary for the goddess of fate? Her wisdom score is preternaturally high, and Taako is forced to not only concede the point, but to know in his heart, and in his head, in a voice that sounds _a lot_ like Lup’s, that Istus is right.

Taako does still have Kravitz. He still has Lup and Barry. And he has the rest of his family and then some to help him do this shit.

But Kravitz. Who does Kravitz have? Kravitz has more or less rejoined the land of the living (with the “less” being the cause of this whole clusterfuck to begin with), but what real support system does he have? Who’s on Kravitz’s team here? Who’d fuckin’ call in every favor or pull every trick in the book to help him out? His own goddess put Kravitz in this fuckin’ situation to begin with.

“You know the Raven Queen loves Kravitz.” Istus says, too kindly and too gently for the turn Taako’s thoughts were taking. Whether she’d known from the look on his face or the stitches in her hands doesn’t matter. “She truly, truly loves her Reapers as her children, and Kravitz is in no way excluded from that. I think, perhaps, he is even more dear than most, from the eons of his service and the extent of his work.”

“Yeah, uh, you know how bad he fucked up with Tres Horny Boys, right?” Taako asks.

“But with her hands so tied, there’s so little she can do. But don’t you think she’s doing just that?”

Taako hums, considering. And, okay, sure, the Raven Queen had basically come up with what, as far as Taako knows, is the only exception to the whole alive/dead marriage thing in the whole history of this planar system. And yeah, the whole “designed to fail” aspect of it wasn’t entirely under her control, since this shit apparently just did not come up in the thousands upon thousands of years she’s been running the show, and she’d dragged it out of the colder than death, deader than dead hands of the previous chucklefuck. And so far she’s been supportive of just, you know, Kravitz being happy in general. And she seemed to think that this really could work.

“Well, uh, I guess… when you put it that way… probably?” Taako says.

“I think probably might be right.” Istus nods, turning back to her knitting.

“Oh, uh, _speaking_ of gods and godly powers and everybody doing what they can do… can’t you just… pull a few strings? Metaphorically, physically… magically?”

“If I wanted to cause a collapse of space-time, then yes, I could.”

“You gave us stuff last time!”

“And I told you. Small things. Gentle tugs to this thread or that. Making the color just a tint lighter or a shade darker. Dropping the remaining five items in your lap would most assuredly not be that.”

Taako laughs. “Worth a shot, right? But, uh, you know, you know the crown’s not done, right? Like, we got the fuckin’ rock, but still gotta workshop that one around.”

As with the colors in the scarf earlier, if he’s not looking at her head on, Taako could swear there’s a small, satisfied grin on Istus’s face. “Do you?”

The double doors fly open with a clatter, and Taako whips around in his seat so fast as to nearly set his hat airborne. A sweaty, soot-covered Magnus stands in the doorway. “We’re good!”

Taako blinks. “What? But- How- Time- _does blacksmithing even work like that?”_

Magnus shrugs, brushing his hands together. Istus’s temple is small enough that Taako is close enough to see that it only serves to smear the soot and sweat together to make little black smudge marks. Gross. “Maybe I have a blacksmithing proficiency after all?” He’s trying not to sound too pleased with himself. And failing. “And, uh, Taako? Whatcha doing in here all alone?”

It’s then that Taako realizes that Istus is gone. But he could swear that the breeze blowing in from the opened doors carries in the sound of fate’s laughter.

* * *

So the crown isn’t _done_-done. Still has to anneal or cool or whatever the shit. Honestly, Taako tuned out most of Magnus’s arts and crafts talk. Point is, Magnus turned a meteorite into a crown, and Ren will come up to the moon base with the thing tomorrow afternoon.

They’re on their way back to the moon base themselves, floating upward through calm skies, with a full view of the sky as it runs from dark purple in the east to vibrant orange in the west, when Merle turns in his seat to eye Taako suspiciously.

“What did you mean: ask the kid tomorrow?”

“Uh, exactly that, you can ask him if we ever- shit, what were you gonna ask?”

“Beats me, I was distracted by the threat.”

“It wasn’t a _threat_; it was just- listen. Ango and Lucretia gave Lucas a three day time limit to get the book robot done. Gonna confirm with Angus that’s the case, but I’m figuring we’re headed to Neverwinter tomorrow.” There’s an easy way to cross that off the to do list. Taako reaches a hand into a pocket.

“Ooooooooooh,” Merle then fidgets under the seat belt to look at Magnus. “Magnus. I have something very important to tell you. You can’t rip the arms off the robot until we get Taako’s book.”

“I know that!”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, you’ve basically got a proficiency in that shit, right? Lucas should bring you on as a consultant to, uh, to test out the robots. Skip the flame jets; see if they’re Magnus-proof.”

Magnus snorts. “Like _Lucas_ could make a robot Magnus-proof.”

“I don’t think anyone could make a robot that’s Magnus-proof, sir.” The much younger voice, though not quite as young as when they met him, emanates from Taako’s now in hand Stone of Farspeech.

“Ango!” Magnus yells, turning to face Taako so quickly the seat belt jerks, locking him half-twisted. “Oh, aw, tits.” Magnus scrambles for freedom. Merle throws his arms up in exasperation.

“Hey, Agnes,” Taako greets his wizardly pupil. Even if he’s at Lucas’s school until Taako can convince Angus to transfer to Taako’s own school.

“Hello, sirs. Am I to deduce that you were discussing the plan to use one of Lucas’s robots to create a book that’s never been read?”

“Nice one, little man, you been brushing up on Divination?” Taako is joking, of course. Angus has long since focused his studies primarily on the school of Divination (and utterly betraying Taako in the course of doing so, natch).

“Always a good goof, sir. So, I know we said that the deadline would be by the end of tomorrow at the latest-”

“Do I have to come _convince_ Lucas to finish on time?” Magnus cracks his knuckles.

Taako tsks. “You know, uh, a _good_ teacher is able to stay on top of their assignments and finish their work on time.”

“Didn’t you save the world at the last possible second?”

“Uh, _yeah_, but we _were_ on time, and we saved the whole fuckin’ _multiverse_, thank you. Lucas has to make one robot.”

“And it’s almost done,” Angus replies. “Lucas estimates that it’ll be done by 6 in the morning at the latest.”

“Too early.” All three Horny Boys answer as one. Never mind that Taako’s been getting up earlier than that for the past couple days. Still too early to deal with robots or Lucas Miller.

“I thought so. I’ll tell Lucas you’ll be here mid-morning.”

“Nice one, Ango!” Magnus gives a thumb’s up to the air at large. “You can’t see it, but I’m giving you a thumb’s up!”

“Thanks, sir.”

“Yeah, you know, I, uh, I appreciate it.” Taako coughs.

“Also thanks, sir. Now, uh, I have to go make some kind of… drink with five shots of espresso mixed with some extra caffeine potion for Lucas.” There’s disgust mixed with fascination in his voice.

“Sounds poisonous.” Merle grumbles.

“Probably.” Magnus nods.

“Don’t try it, Ango,” Taako warns.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, sir. And bye, sirs!”

“Later, Ango.”

They’re only feet away from their destination as well.

Avi and Lucretia are standing in the hangar waiting for them, the latter looking like she hadn’t had to fight a Beholder to go track down any of this shit. She’s also not holding anything, and her face is too close to that Madame Director mask Taako hates for good news to be involved.

Okay. They’ve got one thing basically off the list, and Taako’s still gotta go pop into the Plane of Magic today. He’s still got time. Besides. Taako does his best work under pressure.

Still, he raises a querying eyebrow at Lucretia even before greetings are exchanged and there’s a slight shake of her head. Though now, as they get closer, Taako can see some singe marks on her clothing.

“Seventh son, seventh daughter. But it was the other groom who wore a cloak that day,” Lucretia says, looking directly at Taako as soon as Magnus and Avi have finished their needlessly long handshake.

“Uh-huh. And how did you handle that fight?”

Lucretia freezes, immediately looking guilty to Taako’s eyes. “What fight?”

“Lucretia. You fuckin’ critically failed that deception check.” 

“Lucretia! You got in a fight?”

“You need any magical remedies?”

“Yes, Magnus, and no, no thank you, Merle. The town had also been having some visitors from the Plane of Fire in the form of a fire elemental accompanied by some magmin.”

“Wow, slipping on the whole protection thing?”

“I forgot that they explode.”

“Oh, they do do that.” Magnus nods sympathetically.

“Right, cool, so, uh, interplanar hopscotch time,” Taako says, brushing past all of them to head out of the hangar and into the main hall. Lucretia’s fine. It’s not like she had to fight a Beholder.

This time, Taako catches a brief glimpse of his own reflection in amethyst before the crystalline surface is instead showing a world of endless purple waves and beaches of glittering lavender sand.

Fuck, maybe that should be his and Kravitz’s next vacation spot.

But for now, it’s going to be a short trip.

As Carey and Killian quickly bring the disk up to vertical, Taako looks over at his shoulder. Magnus looks enchanted by the scene in the amethyst. Merle just looks bored.

“Hey, Mags,” Taako drawls, and Magnus’s attention snaps away from the disk to Taako, surprised. “You coming?”

“Huh?”

Taako rolls his eyes. “You called dibs, remember?”

“Wait, I did?”

“Yeah, you know, I’m pretty sure you did,” Merle says thoughtfully, stroking his beard. A few glowing flower petals that apparently came from the Celestial Plane drift out. Taako doesn’t even know when or how Merle managed that.

“Now hold on! Taako! You’re honoring dibs!”

“Uh, yeah, they’re _dibs_. Starblaster rules.”

Astonishingly, irritatingly, Magnus pauses to consider.

“Oh, fuckin’- you coming or not?” Taako asks, exasperated. Bad enough they’ve only got one thing checked off the list today. “You want to come to magic-land? Well, it’s right there.” Taako throws his arm wide, gesturing.

“Weeeeeeeeeell-”

“Fuck it, I’m going.”

“Wait! Magnus rushes in!”

* * *

So here’s the thing about the Plane of Magic, as Taako quickly realizes. It looks chill as all hell from the outside, with the beaches and the waves and the general lack of people to annoy you.

But once you’re there? Like Taako, it’s a little more… fully realized than you might think.

Taako feels a wave of pure magic, not unlike the ones crashing on the shore only feet away, wash over him as soon as he sets foot in the unfamiliar plane. Without the filter of the Ethereal Plane, it’s an instant magical cacophony touching every sense. Taako’s ears twitch as whispers of enchantment magic float around his head, lazily drifting through to his mind, swirling about before they’re sharply pushed out by abjuration magic that feels like a wall of sound. The smell of necromancy, familiar from years of living with Lup and Barry, is pungent as decay in his nose, while evocation is near acrid on his tongue, as though he’d licked a Fireball. Flickers of illusion magic dance in the corners of his vision, a permanent mirage. But then, how real might it be, with ephemeral creations conjured and rising plainly in front of him. The air now filling his lungs is heavy with Divination magic and the weight of time. And down to his bones, down to his beating heart, down to the foundation of who Taako is, adaptable, malleable, good out here but not going fucking anywhere, Taako feels the thrum of Transmutation magic.

Taako claps his hands over his eyes, ears drawing back and with a headache blooming. This is _a lot_, and he needs a second.

Of course that’s when Magnus walks smack into Taako’s back. “Taako?”

“This place is magic as hell.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you _feel_ it?’ Eyes still firmly closed, Taako rubs at his temples.

“What?”

“It’s… there is a _lot_ of magic around here.” Fuck, and this was supposed to be the easy trip.

“I mean, I guess, but, like, it feels like… y’know, like you ‘n Lup ‘n Merle ‘n Lucretia ‘n Cap’n’port ‘n everyone else.”

“’S a lot more than that, homie.”

“I know! But it’s also not. It’s like… nah. Never mind. Doesn’t matter.”

“Magnus.”

“Nope!”

“Magnus, I rolled a 17. Magnus.”

“Now hold on! I roll the 17s around here!”

“Magnus.”

“It’s… you know, it’s like family.” Taako can practically see Magnus shrug with the tone in his voice.

Family. Huh. Magic _has_ basically always been a part of Taako.

“We can wait.” Magnus says, and Taako hears the faint sound of sand shifting as Magnus plops right on down to sit on the beach of the Plane of Magic.

Gradually, the overloaded feeling subsides. When Taako opens his eyes, Magnus is lying on his back, hands behind his head, staring at the lavender sky. When he sees Taako looking, he says, “Looks like… uh, well, not _home_, not anymore, but… y’know.” Magnus manages to shrug even with his hands under his head.

“Uh, yeah, think so.”

“Oh! Are there gonna be any cool magic monsters to fight?” Seemingly in the space of the time it takes Taako to blink, Magnus is standing up again, excited and itching to get into a fight. “We had a no magic fight, so do we get an all magic fight? Can I use magic here? Can I, Taako? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase?” Magnus starts throwing the puppydog eyes he attempted with Davenport vis a vis dogs on the Starblaster and later with Lucretia and dogs on the moon.

Taako just shakes his head, but there’s a small smile on his face. One that Taako is actively fighting, but still. “Doesn’t work like that, Mags.”

“Aw!”

“You made, like, one of the seven magic-est objects ever in existence!” 

“_Yeah_, but that was the Light. I, Magnus Burnsides, want to do magic.”

“So we’ll start up one of those, um, those tabletop games with Lup and Barold and maybe even Merle, and you can play one then.”

“Ooh! I’ll play Lup!”

“…Okay. I’m gonna go skip a rock.”

Of course Magnus follows along as Taako walks along the shoreline, trying to judge for a shallow spot where he’ll have the easiest time getting the thing back.

“So, uh, you worried ‘cause Lucretia’s lead didn’t pan out?”

“No.”

“Cause you seem worried. You worried about the crown? ‘Cause, I mean, you saw that before we left, and it was fine.”

“No.”

“So then-”

“All of it, Magnus. I’m worried about all of it.”

“Oh.”

“I get one shot to get this right. No resets, no redos, just. One chance.” They walk in silence for a few feet. Taako’s starting to wonder if he’s still looking for a spot or if he’s just walking to walk. “And, listen, like, I know I’ve got everyone helping, and I _know_ it’s not ‘the end of the world’ or shit like that if I fuck it all up. Just can’t get married for, like, uh, five hundred plus years until I kick the bucket, which, long time, but…” Taako trails off.

“You care,” Magnus says simply.

“Yeah.”

“Do you think anyone’s gonna tell you not to or that it doesn’t matter?”

“No, but- if I fuck it up, then they _could_.”

“I’m not. You care. I care.”

“Fuckin’ sap.”

Magnus gasps in fake outrage. “I am in touch with my emotions like a _responsible adult_, and you’re making fun of me.”

“Uh, yeah, I am, natch.”

“The important thing is, if getting married is important to you, then it’s important.”

And Taako thinks. “You… when you got married, like, okay, listen, obviously I know it was important to you, but what… what did you do for your wedding?”

The words hang in the air, almost heavier than the magic for a moment as Magnus considers. “Well, I guess, to start… as soon as it was over, the rebellion, I mean, there was Julia. It had just ended, the fighting was over, and we won. And, uh, you know, we were already… I fell in love with her the second I saw her, but things changed during the rebellion. I was better because of her. And she made me want to be better.

“She tackled me.” Magnus laughs. “She knocked us both over, and she still managed to propose before we hit the ground. She beat me to it. But I still had the ring in my pocket, beautiful walnut, ‘cause hardwoods are good for rings, you know.”

“Mmhmm.” He hadn’t, but Magnus isn’t really looking for confirmation anyway.

“We got married three months later.” Magnus says. “It was a nice day in Raven’s Roost. The whole town was still cleaning up, but everybody came out. I had just finished the gazebo- oh, I built a gazebo for us to get married in, because, uh, you know, but I had just finished the day before. Steven, Julia’s dad Steven, not Steven the fish, cried. So did I, but, uh, you probably coulda guessed that.” And of course, Taako already had. “Julia… Julia has always, always been the most beautiful woman to me, but Taako, she was radiant and I think it finally hit me then, that I would get to, to be happy with her.” Magnus’s eyes are full of sorrow and joy. Of course, it makes sense. Taako knows what came after. “And we were. For a while. And those were some of the best months and best moments of my life.”

There are times when, with no assistance from extraplanar platitudes, Taako has exactly the right thing to say. This may or may not be one of those times. “Y’know, on, on a different beach world, I told Barold that he and Lup had enough of what so few people in love get: time. And… you didn’t get that. You didn’t get that because... listen, sometimes there is a reason, and it’s because someone is a massive dick, and sometimes there isn’t a reason, because the world is messy and shitty, but sometimes it doesn’t matter, because no matter how they leave your life, they’re still gone.” There is a reason, and a story yet there, but not one that Magnus remembers. “But she’s not _gone_. You’ve got memories and you’ve got who you are now. That doesn’t go away. And someday, like, a long way off if you don’t try to fight a fuckin’ dragon, you will see her again.”

Magnus sniffles. Shit, Taako’s gonna have to get him a puppy if he fucked this one up. “I know, but… thanks, Taako.” Magnus clears his throat. “It’s good to talk about her and them.”

“Well, shit, my dude, go ahead.” Taako throws his arms wide. “Captive audience right here.”

“You’ve still got this shit. Which, uh, by the way, kinda figuring we’re just walking and working through shit at this point.”

Taako coughs and clears his own throat. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“Cool.” There’s a moment of quiet before Magnus brightens up again. “So do I get to be in the wedding?”  
“Not a chance, homie.”

“Awwww. Taakoooooooooooo.”

“Ugh, fine.”

“Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss!” Magnus draws out the word even longer than the others, triumphant, and Taako shakes his head. And spots something like a small, shallow cove up ahead.

* * *

Taako is fucking in the zone. He is _focused_. So focused there’s practically a buzzing in his ears. The branch is checked off the list. The crown is basically checked off the list. Taako is three for six on oceans with four days to get to the other three. The book will be done tomorrow, and he can grab that one easy. The jar of lightning bees is the day after, and, listen, honestly, how hard can catching a few bugs be? Plus, Carey and Killian had already popped off the moon to check out a lead on the whole bone thing by the time Taako had made the return trip from the Plane of Magic. And so, with everything else at least in progress and still no word from the Reaper Squad, Taako is up to his ears in census records he’d nabbed from Lucretia’s “to do” pile when she hadn’t been looking.

Only said ears twitch as the faint buzzing Taako’s been hearing on and off is interrupted by a faint click. He rises from where he’s sprawled across his desk chair, blinking back the words still swimming in front of his eyes, and it dawns on him that perhaps the buzzing sound had not been his imagination. When Taako had gotten back, he’d unceremoniously dumped the contents of his bag on his bed and grabbed a pen to get to work. And quite recently, something that he’d left where it had fallen had vibrated its way to the edge of the bed against the wall, the tap sounding its arrival at the precipice, where Taako finally spots it. It teeters and holds, but the call hasn’t gone to message yet.

And Taako watches in abject horror as his Stone of Farspeech again buzzes, pushing it onward between mattress and wall.

It’s followed by a distinct pattering sound as the stone drops to the floor below.

“Fuck!” Taako exclaims, dropping to the ground at once. He swipes once, twice, reaching into the thankfully dust bunny free space, fingertips only just reaching the stone. Throwing caution and magic powers to the wind, Taako lets out a frustrated sound before shimmying his entire torso into the previous storage spot of the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

Finally. Taako barely takes the time to push himself out from under the bed before answering on the final ring.

“Hey, babe,” Taako says, flirty and casual and entirely breathless.

“Taako? Are you alright?” Kravitz is nonetheless immediately worried. “You sounded worried in your message earlier. And- and have you been fighting? You sound like you just got out of a fight.”

“Okay, listen, fight, yes, but that was earlier, uh, no big deal. But-”

“No big deal? Taako, what happened?”

“Eh, just grabbing a meteorite out of a hole-”

“Okay?”

“-and a Beholder popped up-”

“What!”

“-so, antimagic field sucked-”

“And you’re okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine, it’s good, Magnus gets like a million hits in one turn. So about that cult-”

“I knew this was going to be dangerous; it’s set up that way, but, Taako, you’re more important to me than this. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, and, uh, excuse me, bones, but pretty sure since Taako’s good out here now, it’s _my turn_ to worry about _you_, what with the fighting a necromantic cult and not picking up for a while.”

“Oh.”

“Okay, that’s a lot of guilt for one word. Like, listen, I know you can’t always pick up, but-” Taako rolls up to sitting and leans against the desk, ignoring the handle digging into his spine. “-still gonna worry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“More guilt! But, Krav, I get it. It’s your job, and it’s just a fact of life. And death!” Taako laughs at his own joke. Kravitz doesn’t. “I don’t want you to feel like shit about it. I just want you to call afterward when you can.”

“Which I’m doing.”

“You are! So, uh, I’m okay, and I can tell you that I am well on my way to handing over the world’s worst dowry to Bird Mom so we can go back to wedding planning. Where’s Lup? We need to talk menu.”

“Lup and Barry are in and out.” Kravitz says. “Agents of the Raven Queen or not, they’re still liches, and… there’s an anti-lich ward or two in place.”

“So you’re alone.” Taako can hear as his voice goes high and sharp.

“Well… technically. Until I can get in and dismantle it. Should be easy; I’ve got a bet with Keats that this’ll all be tied up tomorrow night. It’s not like they’re three of the most notorious death criminals I’ve ever encountered at once.”

The note of teasing and the excitement (whether from the job or the bet) in Kravitz’s voice is reassuring, and despite concern still weighing on him, Taako finds himself smiling. “I love you, you know.”

“I love you, too, Taako.” Kravitz answers at once.

“And you know, uh, I’m headed back to Neverwinter tomorrow, I _could_ stay and wait.”

“You said before that you were going out early to meet Davenport the day after though. Won’t staying interfere?”

“I mean, yeah, uh, _maybe_, but I would also like to see the reason I’m doing all this. Which is you.”

“Plus, the whole portal system you’ve rigged up is also on the moon base, isn’t it? You did plan for that tomorrow as well.”

Taako lets out a groan. “You’re lucky I like you.”

“I’ve been told I’m quite likable.”

“Even with your terrible accents.”

“Hey now! My work accents are not terrible!” Kravitz objects in Fantasy Cockney, and Taako starts laughing. Kravitz is definitely, definitely worth this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> As prophesied (by me, who knew what was coming), life got really busy there! So I am, in fact, much later than I would like to be! I hope you enjoyed this rather chunky boy anyway.
> 
> Kudos and comment to feed your local lich; bookmark/subscribe/go to my works page or [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for more content and updates.


	7. Save the Day, Save the Date – It’s All the Same Thing, Isn’t It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for a throwback to Taako and Kravitz’s first date. No, not that one. The unofficial holiday special, where the apocalypse was happening and Taako was both figuratively and literally flirting with Death.
> 
> Kravitz’s work trip is almost over. Which is good, because Taako is going to need some help on the next parent-teacher conference.

DAY FOUR

It’s early in the morning, but not so early as when Taako woke up hours earlier. But not so late that Taako, along with Magnus and Merle, are on their way to Neverwinter. Which means that Taako has the time to do what Taako truly does best.

Taako has already pulled the crusts from the oven to cool and set the now cooked bacon to side. He turns back to the pan, and the kitchen once more fills with the pleasant sizzling sound of cooking food as the thinly sliced onions hit the pan. Taako gives the onions a stir before turning away.

And in that moment, the sound of onions sizzling in bacon fat is joined by the trilling of Taako’s Stone of Farspeech.

“Hey, dingus,” Taako greets his sister, pulling the carton of eggs toward himself.

“Hey, goofus.” Lup responds in kind.

“Why are you calling?” Taako quickly cracks the eggs into a bowl with a practiced hand and sets to whisking them.

“Psychic twin thing.”

“You know, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t actually exist.”

“Uh, of course it does, because it’s why I’m calling.” The smell of onion is slowly rising to mingle with the still strong scent of cooking bacon. Taako gives the onions another stir. “What are you cooking?”

“Quiche Lorraine.”

“You grind the nutmeg yourself?”

“Uh, natch.”

“So, no.”

Taako laughs as he starts whisking the cream in. “Listen, you think Creesh keeps whole peppercorn around here? Let alone, uh, actual nutmeg with the mace still on?”

“Okay, now, point taken,” Lup replies, laughing as well. “Taking a break from the research then?”

Taako glances past his cooking oasis, to where stacks of paper are haphazardly stacked, or, more accurately, impeccably filed, into messy, perfectly organized groups. “Sort of.” In goes the salt, followed by not-so-freshly-ground pepper and nutmeg, eyeballed to Taako’s exacting tastes.

“Sort of?”

“Sort of. Fuck, everyone’s gonna think I’m a _nerd_.” Taako complains, shaking his head.

“Taako, we were in fantasy NASA.” 

“So what are you doing?” Taako blatantly changes the subject as he crumbles bacon into the first cooled pie crust.

Now it’s Lup’s turn for evasion. “Oh, uh, you know, this and that, paperwork, waiting for Kravitz to get that anti-lich barrier down.”

Taako snorts as he pulls the now translucent onions off the heat. “You’re lying.” Taako scatters onions over the crumbled bacon, quickly summoning a Mage Hand to flick the burner off.

“Pfft, I would never.” The lie in Lup’s voice only grows more apparent.

“Paperwork?” Taako asks, skepticism sprinkled over the word as liberally as the actually-freshly-grated gruyere cheese that’s next into the pie crust.

“How do you know?”

“Psychic twin thing.”

“That doesn’t actually exist.”

“You know, uh, funny thing, now I am pretty sure it does.”

“What do you know anyway?”

“I was a scientist at fantasy NASA!” Taako retorts, faux indignation belied by the smile on his face.

“You wanna talk about this whole quest thing?” Lup’s question hangs in the air for a moment as Taako, having poured the egg mixture in, places the quiche into the oven.

“Branch is done, crown’s getting dropped off today. And we are doing the book today; Ango and Lucretia really pushed nerdlord into getting that done.”

“And you’re meeting up with Cap’n’port tomorrow,” Lup says thoughtfully. “Stone, bone, and some rando’s cloak?”

“I’m on track with the stone, but, uh, there’s, there’s a reason I’m pulling, like, pre-IPRE exam levels of research.” Taako starts the water running for dishes. First dishes, then onto the second quiche, then more dishes. Just gotta get the next thing done.

“We did get through that shit.”

“Yeah, yeah, we did.”

Despite a decade apart, Taako and Lup have long since fallen back into place, if they had ever truly fallen out of it, a binary star system that Taako once more remembers. And as has been the case for centuries now, Taako finds there is a lot that cooking and talking to Lup can fix.

* * *

Landing outside Neverwinter doesn’t feel like coming home. Not that this surprises Taako; even though he’s lived here longer than he’s lived anywhere else in over a decade, the city itself isn’t home. Home is people, and Taako’s people, at least most of the ones who are normally here, aren’t.

But there is one here waiting for them right now, watching with a grin as the glass sphere descends into the woods outside Neverwinter, thankfully nowhere near any swamps or chimeras. At least, _probably_ nowhere near any swamps or chimeras.

“Hello, sirs!”

“Hey, Ango!” Magnus immediately seizes Angus in his customary bear hug.

“Sir- sir, please- sir, breathing is important.”

“But if I hug you, then you stay small longer!”

“Sir, please don’t make me Magic Missile your ass.”

Merle glances sideways to Taako. “Geez, kid gets more like you every day.”

“Wow, rude.”

“You wouldn’t though, Ango!” Magnus replies cheerfully, but he releases Angus, who begins straightening himself up. You can take the fancy lad off the now-extradimensional train, but you can’t take the fancy out of the lad.

“So, uh, hello again, sirs. Ready to head into Neverwinter properly?”

“Yeah, sure, but hey, Agnes, you eat breakfast today?”

“Huh?” Angus blinks before furrowing his brow, trying to remember. “Oh, uh, well, I suppose I got distracted, by all the goings-on. That happens, I guess. Right?”

“What have I told you about eating breakfast?” Taako asks, exasperated, as he pulls out a still warm quiche, smaller than the one Magnus had inhaled about half of, an appropriately-sized Angus quiche, with goat cheese, tomatoes, and spinach. “No, actually, don’t answer- just eat and walk.” Taako shoves the quiche into Angus’s hands and starts steering him back toward Neverwinter.

“They grow up so fast.” Taako hears Merle say, feigning tears, and he shoots a glare over his shoulder at the blatantly unrepentant dwarf.

“Thanksh, shir,” Angus says around a mouthful of quiche and ignoring Merle. “It’sh really good.”

“Uh, ‘course it is, were you expecting anything less?” Taako leans over to ruffle Angus’s hair. He’s taller than he used to be. “Anything new from the second-best magic school in Faerun?”

Soon, they’re standing on the street before Lucas’s school. Taako wrinkles his nose as he looks up at the vaguely modern, incredibly _academic_ building. Sure, Taako might know a thing or two about academia, but that doesn’t mean his school doesn’t look _fun_.

“Sir, are you coming in or what?” Angus asks, already halfway up the steps to the building. Merle’s a few steps behind him, while Magnus is already at the top, out of way of both the ramp and the doors.

“Yeah…” Taako doesn’t move. “But I hope you all know how much it _pains me_ to enter such an inferior place of learning when I am _headmaster_ of the greatest school for magic in Faerun. No, the planar system. No, _all_ of the planar systems.”

Angus looks unimpressed. “Sir, how many times have you been here for parent-teacher conferences?”

“Guardian-teacher conferences!”

Angus just shrugs. “Semantics.” Which. Yeah. He’s right.

Taako sputters, “Those are under entirely different circumstances where I am _forced_ to come here as a result of _someone’s_ bad choices in their education.”

Angus, Merle, and Magnus all look at each other.

“I could pick him up and carry him in.” Magnus offers.

“Don’t you even think about it!” The Krebstar is in Taako’s hand in less than a Blink. “I will Magic Missile your ass; do not test me, Burnsides.”

“See, I told you the kid gets more like you every day.” Merle calls. “Like father-”

“Don’t you even think about it either! None of you think about anything!”

So far this is going great.

Angus trots back down the stairs. “Sir, please. I know it’s Lucas’s school, and it’s Lucas, but… you trusted me, right, to help get this done?”

Taako heaves a sigh. “Yeah, Angus. But you knew that already.”

“I did detective good enough for that shit, didn’t I?” Angus says, trying and failing to conceal a wide grin.

“Yeah, yeah, keep talking, and I’ll let Magnus eat all the sufganiyot before you get home for Hanukkah.”

* * *

As has long been their custom, Tres Horny Boys opt to ignore basic courtesy.

Which means they’re greeted by a startled yelp and undignified thud as Taako throws open the door to Lucas’s office. He enters, followed by Magnus, Merle, and a mostly resigned Angus to see Lucas on the floor, somewhat crumpled, certainly rumpled, and even more resigned than Angus.

“What’s up, nerdlord?”

“Most people knock you know,” Lucas says, moving cautiously out of his position, as though expecting someone else to burst through the door after.

“Really?” Magnus claps his hands to his face, the picture of pure astonishment.

“Yeah, tell me more about this… _knocking_.” Merle feigns bewilderment.

Lucas rubs his even-more-unkempt-than-usual beard with a hand stained by an ink splatter that’s at least two days old. “Hello to you too.” He says before yawning. “Hoo boy, I’m gonna sleep for days once this is over.”

“But it’s not over yet, Lucas,” Magnus reminds him.

“Thanks, Magnus.” Rather than rise from where he is now at least seated on the floor, Lucas reaches up onto his desk without looking, retrieving a mug of something that even from here looks vaguely like sludge. That doesn’t seem to bother Lucas though, as he takes a long swig.

“That’s been normal the past few days,” Angus says quietly to Taako.

“You didn’t drink any, right?”

“Only during finals week.” Angus says, entirely serious. One look at Taako’s face though and he starts laughing.

“Right.” Lucas pops up, looking distinctly more energetic. “Let’s get going.”

“About time. Lead the way, nerdlord.”

“Yeah! Oh, does the robot have arms that Maggie here can rip off afterward?” Merle asks, patting Magnus’s arm.

“Please don’t rip my robot’s arms off.”

“I make no promises.”

“I… that’s probably the most I can expect, isn’t it?”

“Oh, from Magnus? Definitely. Where are we headed?”

“One of my robot research labs.” Taako isn’t sure if Lucas meant to leave his office door wide open behind him or if he’s tired enough to have forgotten entirely. Either way, Angus looks between Lucas and the door and quickly closes it with a Mage Hand as they’re walking away. “Due to the… the uh-” Lucas lets out another yawn. “Due to the compressed timeline for this whole… thing, I retrofitted some older technology I’d already been doing some modifications on, to be able to write a, well, at least a somewhat coherent book.”

“You mean you didn’t make a _brand-new_ robot for this?”

“No, Merle, I- listen, okay? Do you know how many words the average person knows? Like, 20,000, and that’s just in Common. Starting entirely from scratch and programming enough words and language basics to be able to write something that wasn’t just… well, I’m too tired to think of an example, but the point still stands! It was easier to take a robot with the language knowhow and just, just add the ability to write it.”

“And stick a printer on.” Angus adds.

“And stick a printer on.” Lucas agrees. “And some bookbinding equipment. So, because I was already working on this robot in one of my labs… that’s where we’re headed.”

“Can I go into one of the _other_ robot research labs and rip some arms off?”

“…No.”

“Not that discussions of robots and Magnus’s ability to tears their arms off isn’t just _thrilling_, but, uh, this is, this is _done_, right, Lucas? Ango said it was done.”

“Well, I mean, yeah, it should just be printing now, so we just check if it’s done and- oh. Huh.”

“Huh?” Taako says at once, immediately suspicious of Lucas’s seemingly innocent interjection. With good reason. It is Lucas after all, and Taako nearly died like 20 times in his lab before. Granted, half of those were directly caused by Taako’s now-fiancé, but still. If Lucas’s lab had been appropriately OSHA compliant, none of that shit woulda happened.

“Huh?” Lucas startles from where he’s looking at a door. “Oh, uh, just, this, this is the lab the robot’s in, but I thought I left the door open. Eh, one of the grad students probably closed it, ‘cause they do that a lot. Just a sec to unlock it again.” Lucas tosses the last sentence over his shoulder as he steps up to a familiar-looking scanner next to the door. A few button pushes and a red flash and-

“Huh.”

There’s that interjection again.

Taako leans over to Angus. “So do you think he’s losing it from lack of sleep?”

Magnus, on Angus’s other side, also leans in. “He’s definitely got one or two points of exhaustion.”

Lucas turns around, scratching at his neck sheepishly. “Well, uh, the room seems to be… powered down.”

“Wow, you actually turned something off for once?” Merle asks. “Knew you had it in you! Just like I knew you had the word ‘dickhead’ stitched in your injuries!”

“I have a what now?”

“Uh, nothing! Forget I said anything!”

“Yeah, forget that. What’s up with the door and the room now?” Taako asks, pointing.

“Um… okay.” Lucas turns his focus away from Merle and back to the problem at hand. “So, the, uh, the lab seems to be powered down, probably, probably by the same grad student honestly; for some reason they seem to hate when things are left on all the time. But, uh, I’ll need to power it back up remotely, in the control room.”

“That gonna put a delay on anything, homie?”

“Eh? Oh, no, no. Just… look, I’ll run over to the control room, power it up, run back, and then we’ll be good to go. In and out. Grab and go. Dine and… well, not dine and dash, but you know what I mean. So just- just wait out here, and I’ll be back in, like, five minutes, tops. Wait here!” Lucas spins, and he takes off at a run.

“Wow, he really wants us out of here.”

“You’ve kinda been harassing him since you got in, sir.”

“Angus, pumpkin.” Taako puts a hand on Angus’s shoulder. “We know.”

“Ughhhhhhhhh.” Of course it’s not five seconds later that Magnus’s near non-existent patience is gone. “When is Lucas gonna be done?”

“How are we supposed to know that?” Merle asks.

“No, you know what, Magnus is right.” Taako declares with a snap of his fingers.

“He is?”

“I am?”

“Yeah, you know, listen, you are.” Taako pulls out his Stone of Farspeech. “Guess we’re doing everything Candlenights-style.”

“Do you need his frequency, sir?”

“How do you think I set up parent-teacher conferences?”

“Messenger raven? Reaper scything your way in directly? Talking to Ms. Kathleen?”

“I can talk to- Lucas!” Taako says, more loudly as Lucas picks up the call.

“Uh… yes? Why are you… calling? I just left.”

“Yeah, uh, you got an ETA there, Lucas?”

“What? I just- I told you I’d be five minutes.”

“It’s because we don’t trust you,” Magnus says succinctly.

“I did help on the Day of Story and Song.”  
“Don’t trust you!” Magnus shakes his head vehemently.

“Anyway, are you opening this door up or what?” Taako asks.

“I’m just getting to the control room now.”

“You know, Djangus, this wouldn’t happen in my school.”

“Don’t students accidentally blow up classrooms on a regular basis?” Angus asks with a raised eyebrow.

“That’s how Lup and I learned, so the point still stands!”

Magnus agrees, saying, “It is how they learned.”

“Okay, can I hang up now?”

“Nope! You gotta stay on the call for updates.”

“And so we can give you shit so you go faster.” Magnus adds.

“I shoulda left Ernest with him!” Merle near shouts.

“Ernest only works with locks!” Taako exclaims.

“Well, give him Ernest and a lock. A hard lock, so he picks lots of nits.”

Lucas’s sigh lasts almost as long as the entire conversation dragging him.

“And- got it!” The scanner flashes green, and the door slides open. “All right boys, now I just gotta power up the lab itself, and then I’ll be back. So just wait a few more minutes!”

Taako looks at the door, then to the others. He covers the Stone of Farspeech. “So, uh, we going in anyway?”

“Yeah, I mean, Lucas has probably learned his lesson with the whole murder robots thing, right?” Magnus says, looking to Angus.

Angus nods slowly. “I haven’t encountered anything particularly-”

“Great!” Magnus rushes headlong into the dark room.

“So we’re going after him them?” Angus asks after a moment.

“Yep.” Taako agrees.

Taako steps in next with Merle and Angus following and squinting against the darkness. As for Taako, he can’t exactly see much more than them, just that this room seems to follow roughly the same design as all of Lucas’s other lab spaces, and that there seems to be something in the middle.

“Okay, and the lab’s powering up now!”

And as Lucas is talking, the lights come on overhead, and Taako can now clearly see that the something in the middle is a robot. This part is not unexpected, given the parameters of this whole task. It’s a roughly humanoid robot, with a head and arms and a torso that feeds into a sturdy looking pedestal beneath.

What is unexpected, and entirely unwelcome, is the fact that this robot is familiar.

“Oh HELL NO!” Taako yells, the sound bouncing all around the chamber, before sweeping out through the open door into the hallway.

“Now hold on!”

“Not again!”

“Sirs, am I missing something?”

Taako takes a few steps away from the robot and back toward the entrance. “Hey, uh, Lucas, why the fuck are we in a room with Hodge Podge?” Taako hisses into the Stone of Farspeech, half wary that further sound might startle the robot into wakefulness. Similarly, Magnus and Merle are now quietly talking to Angus, presumably reminding him of the “aarakocra” incident and the time Angus had thought he’d gotten them all killed.

“Wait, you went in already? I told you to wait!”

“Yeah, like we were gonna listen to that. So onto the important shit: I’m on a mission to marry the Grim Reaper and need a book from a robot, and you fuckin’ rebuilt _Hodge Podge_ to fulfill that role?”

“Huh? I told you; I worked with a framework I already had! Hodge Podge 2.0 had the greatest knowledge base, so he was the easiest to modify.”

“Your shitty robot son almost _killed_ us.”

“It’s fine! He’s fine! I completely, completely redid the code. Hodge Podge 2.0 has much better judgment! He’s just built to provide knowledge and growth! Look, since, since you’re already in there, once his wakeup protocol is complete, you should be able to just go through the program and then prompt him with ‘reading assignment’ to get the book.”

“‘Reading assignment?’” Taako asks, incredulously. “You couldn’t have just left the thing on a table?”

“Well, no, because the physical copy is still stored in there until it’s requested, and I… didn’t do that part, but- hey, this is a great update for Hodge Podge; now he has another way to help kids learn. By giving them something to read.”

“Yeah, and if it’s history of math-”

Taako cuts himself off as a familiar tune starts to play. He slowly turns his head to look over his shoulder, ears low with trepidation. Hodge Podge’s startup sequence has begun.

A smiling, green, digital face appears on the screen on the robot’s head. “Hello there!” The words scroll in time across a screen on Hodge Podge’s chest in the same shade of green. “My name is Hodge Podge. Are you kids ready to learn?”

“Holy shit,” Magnus gasps. “How does he still sound exactly like Angus?”

“That robot doesn’t sound anything like me!” Angus retorts, but Taako isn’t paying attention as he speaks to Lucas.

“Actually, so did you update him to sound older or what?”

“I figured then he would, y’know, play well with the older kids, too.”

“Well now he _sounds_ like one of the older kids!” Naturally, Merle is delighted by this development.

Angus huffs, crossing his arms. “He doesn’t sound anything like me.”

“Robot stealing magic boy voice aside, you didn’t, at any point, think to yourself that it might be a bad idea to have a robot that tried to kill us make this thing?”

“Um… no, but when you say it like that, it sounds dumb.”

“Oh, it is dumb. Very, very dumb.” Magnus assures Lucas.

“So what are we gonna do now?” Merle asks.

Taako, Magnus, and Merle look at each other, silent, thinking. In unison, they turn and look at a bemused Angus McDonald, World’s Best Detective and all-around smart magic boy.

Yeah, something is inevitably going to go wrong. Of course it is, Lucas made this shit. But this time, they’ve got an ace up their sleeve. They can handle this.

“Yeah, uh, we’re ready to learn.” Taako says, spinning around fully and approaching the pedestal. But not too close. He trusts Angus. He doesn’t trust Lucas further than he could throw Hodge Podge.

“Um. Yes. Yes, we’re good.”

“Uh, okay.”

“Um… yes?” Magnus, Merle, and Angus all agree.

“Please say your names!”

“Oh, shit, do you think he remembers us?” Magnus asks worriedly, looking between them.

“Better not,” Taako says, the warning in his voice all for Lucas.

“I mean, I used some of the memory banks for the language, but I told you, it’s fine!”

“Please say your names!” Hodge Podge says again.

“Taako.”

“Tay-ko!” Taako’s ears and eye twitch.

“Magnus!”

“Magnus!”

“Merle!”

“Merle!”

“Angus?”

“Angus!”

Magnus whispers, “It’s like two Anguses talking to each other.”

“No, it’s not!” Angus’s voice cracks on the second syllable of the defensive retort.

“Please select a difficulty setting: child, adult, or master.”

“Master.”

“Master accepted. Master mode activated. That’s gonna be tough; good luck!” Hodge Podge is chipper, but two of the other three responses are bemused and upset.

“Huh, what?”

“That sounds like more fun at least.”

“Taakoooooooooooooo.”

Taako raises his voice over Merle’s confusion and Magnus’s whining. “Listen! That thing is evil! It’s gonna get turned up to master no matter what we do, and this way we avoid getting set on fire when it happens, plus we’ve got Angus. Just accepting the inevitable.”

Lucas pipes up, grumbling, “Hodge Podge isn’t evil.”

“Did you miss the part where I said he set us on fire?”

“Yeah, and he made Ango cry.” Magnus adds.

“He did not-” Angus starts before his protest is interrupted by Magnus.

“Angus McDonald, you cried because you thought you got us barbecued!”

“I was 10! And had been awake for too long!”

“He still made you cry!” Magnus insists.

“Please select a learning mode: quiz or assignment.” Hodge Podge says, cheery and seemingly oblivious to the ongoing conversation.

“Pick assignment!” Lucas says.

“Yeah, no shit, nerdlord.” Taako hisses back. “Now pipe down before he thinks we’re cheating.”

“I told you; it’s fine. I changed the-”

“Assignment.” Taako speaks clearly, and clearly talking over Lucas.

“Assignment selected! Please select category of assignment: math, science, or reading.”

“Reading. Reading assignment.”

“Like anyone’s gonna ask for math homework,” Merle comments, elbowing Magnus and Angus.

“I like math homework.”

“No one asked you, Lucas,” Magnus says.

“Reading assignment selected. One moment please!” A small door on the side of Hodge Podge’s pedestal opens, and a book neatly bound in blue cloth slides out.

Could it really be that simple? Taako’s eyes flick between the book and Hodge Podge and back again. Hodge Podge stares forward, face digitally painted into an unnervingly still enthusiastic smile.

Taako darts forward and, without looking, sweeps an edge of the Cloak of the Manta Ray over the book. He’s not gonna risk even reading the title, no thank you. After a quick scramble, the book is in his bag, and Taako breathes a sigh of relief. Maybe it really can be that simple.

“Right, then, uh, we’re good to go, lesson adjourned, pleasure doing business with you, Hodge Podge.” Taako says breezily, even as he urgently gestures for the others to make their way toward the door so they can get the fuck out of dodge. And the fuck away from Hodge Podge.

Hodge Podge, for his part, says nothing in response. Doesn’t even blink, not that Taako would expect a robot to.

They’re almost to the door.

“Aren’t you going to read it?”

The door slides closed in an instant, and the subsequent locking sound echoes through the chamber.

Taako whirls around again. “Uh, yeah, yeah, ‘course we’re gonna _read it_; why would we ask for a ‘reading assignment’ if we weren’t gonna read it, right, boys?”

“Um… yes?”

“Uh, yeah, totally gonna read it.”

“Yeah, you know, right after I finish up this book in the Extreme Teen Bible. And that’s okay, ‘cause we’re gonna take turns reading it.”

“Yeah! We’re just gonna go… make our way over to the school library, find a nice little reading nook, and, uh, settle in there.”

“Students who don’t do their homework have to deal with the consequences.” There’s a shift in the light, and oh shit, this thing has different colors. Hodge Podge’s face and the words scrolling across his chest are bright red, and his voice switches to that other, unfortunately also familiar voice. “It’s time for a pop quiz.”

“Hm. Nope!” Magnus charges forward, drawing his favorite flaming overpowered weapon as he goes.

“Wait, Magnus!” Lucas shouts. “Shit, guys- I’m trying to power down the system-”

“Can you get the door open too?” Taako yells back, rather inclined to be good out there instead of stuck in here.

“I’ll try, but that’s tied in- but Magnus, wait, right now the shield mode should be-”

Whatever Lucas has to say about a shield mode is irrelevant, because Magnus runs straight into an invisible barrier at full speed, stumbling backward, stunned. Hodge Podge, however, is undeterred.

“Playing rough? I would have thought you learned from the last time.” A few panels on the wall open, and something like spray nozzles come out.

“Oh, shit, he does remember us! Lemme just-” Magnus spins the Defender’s Dial to fire. “Ha!”

“Uh, Maggie? I don’t think those are flame jets.” Taako says, eyeing the nozzles that appear to be… crystallizing.

Taako ducks as a spray of ice shoots out, feeling the cold air rush over him. Okay. Looks like Hodge Podge wasn’t the only thing Lucas “upgraded.”

“Cold, cold, cold, cold!” Magnus yells, and yeah, at least one of them did _not_ make that save.

Taako springs back upright. Angus steps out from where he’d stepped between the blasts, and Merle pushes himself up to standing. Magnus, however, looks like he stepped out of a snowstorm, hair and armor covered in a solid layer of frost.

“Hey, Lucas? Uh, what happened to the flame jets?” Magnus’s teeth are chattering.

“Oh, uh, well… look, I opted to expand the field testing a little.”

“A lit-”

“Right, what’s shield mode?” Taako asks abruptly, wanting to avoid any further popsicle incidents.

“Okay, so, um, Hodge Podge is supposed to be near invulnerable when he’s on, but due to a little glitch that I haven’t figured out yet, finishing a quiz seems to turn it off. Like, just, just finishing a quiz should turn the shield off, turn Hodge Podge off… and reset the system so Hodge Podge is no longer controlling it.” Lucas mumbles the last part.

“Hodge Podge is controlling the system, sir?”

“I’m working on it!”

“What do you mean, finishing a quiz?” Taako asks. Like they’re gonna be able to rely on Lucas to get them out of this.

“Please return to quiz.” Hodge Podge has returned to that peppy Angus voice and green text.

“Just, it’s just answering questions.” Taako can practically hear the shrug in Lucas’s voice. Useless. Absolutely useless. It’s a wonder Angus manages to get an education around here.

“Please return to quiz.”

“How many?” Taako probes further. “And, uh, what else got expanded on that field testing?”

“Wait! I’ve got it!” Merle yells. “I’ll cast Zone of Truth, and then we’ll all say the right answers because we can’t lie!”

“Wait! Sir, that’s not how-”

Angus is too late. The familiar hum of Zone of Truth fills Taako’s ears. Taako scrunches up his nose as his ears flick out of habit. The feeling fades, thank fuck, and Taako looks around. Merle looks entirely too pleased with himself for someone who no doubt intentionally failed the save. Magnus looks horrified. Angus has his head in his hands.

“Sir, being wrong isn’t _lying_ if you believe that’s the answer. Zone of Truth won’t work!”

“Please select player.”

“Oh, _now_ you tell me.”

Taako pinches the bridge of his nose, ears flicking in irritation. “Okay, listen, can Angus just-”

“Player Angus selected!” Hodge Podge chirps. “Player Angus, please answer the following question from the category: history.”

“Now hold on! You let us pick the category last time!”

“Player Angus, please answer the following question: where was the ancient treaty referred to as the Seven Parrots Treaty signed and who were the signatories?”

And maybe it’s because Taako isn’t from this world, but what the-

“Across the sea, in Nicodranas, by the adventuring groups Vox Machina and the Mighty Nein.” Angus pauses. “And before you ask, there were only ever eight members of the Mighty Nein and seven at a time. The Raven Queen’s representative was there with Vox Machina. The whole signing was presided over by the Final Pam.”

“That’s correct!” Hodge Podge exclaims as a celebratory theme plays.

Naturally, Angus knows what the fuck.

“Cool, we done here?” Taako asks. “Quiz over?”

“Please select player.”

“Son of a bitch.”

“Player name not recognized. Please select player. And use better language.”

“Angus!” Magnus calls at once.

“Player Angus selected. Error code 304. Please select player.”

“Lucas…” Taako says in a warning voice.

“Error code 420. Lucas is not an actual player. Please select an actual player!”

“Okay, now, don’t, don’t be mad.”

“Oh, buddy, we already are.” Merle warns.

“Well, we all hate group projects because one person usually does all the work…”

“Uh-huh.” Magnus nods. “Go on.”

“So you kinda... you kinda need everyone to get a right answer to pass the quiz.”

“Please select player.”

“Lucas. Listen. We can all agree being that person sucks, but right now we need Angus to be that person so we don’t get iced over. Again.”

“I have ice in places where ice should not be.”

“Gross, sir.”

“Please select player.”

“Ugh, fine. Taako.”

“Player Tay-ko selected!”

“All the ‘upgrades’ you made and you couldn’t manage a patch on the name pronunciation shit?”

“I’ll add it to the list.”

“Player Tay-ko, please answer the following question from the category: problem-solving.”

“Is the problem how to get the fuck outta here? ‘Cause I could use an answer to that fuckin’ question.”

“It is not! You’ll have to pass the quiz to leave!”

“That’s horseshit.”

“No, that’s how it works! So, Player Tay-ko, please answer the following question: if a train from Neverwinter is departing at 11 AM on the dot with a starting speed of 55.0 km/h with an acceleration of 3 m/s2 and average top speed of 212 mph and one planned stop with a 28 minute layover; a glass sphere is shot from the Bureau of Balance moon base cannons at 12:42 PM with a horizontal velocity of 27 ft/s and a vertical velocity of 12.4 yds/min directed upward with gravity and assuming a drag coefficient of 0.64 with a crosswind blowing north-by-northwest at 12.0 m/min while the moon is over the geographic center of Neverwinter at its normal elevation of 10000 km above sea level; and a battlewagon with a maximum speed of 321 km/h but a lesser speed of 90 mph through rough terrain takes off from Neverwinter at 9:36 AM with a gas tank with a volume of 69.0-”

“Nice.”

“Gross. 69.0 gallons, depleted to 42.0 gallons following the trip from Goldcliff, and a fuel efficiency of 94 miles per Liter but has to take the Bicuspid Pass through the Teeth while stopping on three separate occasions with an average delay of 17 minutes to refuel; then what is the fastest way you could get from Neverwinter to Bottlenose Cove?”

Taako blinks.

“What the fuck?” Two other voices say.

Taako, however, doesn’t say anything. Taako is too busy attempting to process all that information before he can even do anything with it. So the wind is blowing the cannon ball away from Bottlenose Cove… but the layover means the train isn’t taking the most direct route… and the battlewagon is going at 90 mph through the Bicuspid Pass… not to mention all the unit fuckery…

Wait. Actually, wait. This isn’t math. This is _problem-solving_. And Taako has an idea: _fuck this._

And so Taako says, “The fastest way I could get from Neverwinter to Bottlenose Cove is to grab my sister, my brother, or my fiancé and have them open a portal directly there. Three minutes, tops, and that’s just to bribe one of ‘em.”

“That was not an-”

“No, listen. This is problem-solving, right?”

Hodge Podge beeps irritatedly. “That is correct.”

“Then out of the box thinking to solve the problem should be _rewarded_,” Taako insists, pouring all of his zero Charisma modifier into the statement. “So, uh, everything you said is great and all, but the question was what’s the fastest way you could get from one place to the other. And the fastest way, _I_, Taako Taaco, Transmutation Expert, Flip Wizard, and Headmaster of a better school than this one, could get there is to get my family to help. And that’s faster than all the other shit you mentioned.”

There’s a long, drawn-out pause in which Taako is preparing for flame jets.

“He is right,” Angus says with a shrug. “Well-played, sir.”

“It’s a week of loopholes, Ango.”

Hodge Podge emits a sound that might just be cooling fans working overtime or might be a sigh. Then celebratory music. “I guess… I guess that counts as right.”

“Hell yeah!”

“Don’t rub it in.”

“Oh, I absolutely will. Hey, Lucas? Did you hear? I outsmarted your shitty robot.”

“He’s not a shitty robot!”

“Don’t push it, either.” Hodge Podge’s screens light up brighter for a moment. “Please select player.”

“I did mine.” Taako looks at Magnus and Merle. Magnus and Merle quickly point at each other.

“Sirs, we need both of you to go at some point.”

“But I don’t want to!” Magnus says. No doubt truthfully. Fuck, they’ve got the two who can’t lie -thanks, Merle- now going to have to bullshit their way through trivia.

“Oh, what happened to ‘Magnus rushes in’ there, Maggie?”

“Player Magnus selected!”

“This is not going to go well.”

“Magnus! Don’t say that! Now it’s gonna be true!” Merle exclaims, throwing his hands up.

“Sir, if I may reiterate, if you believe it’s true, even if it’s not, you can still say it.” Angus is pinching the bridge of his own nose, pushing his glasses up and off his face, and Merle’s earlier words run through Taako’s head again.

“Player Magnus, please answer the following question from the category: magic.”

“Fuck!”

“Player Magnus, please answer the following question.”

“Now hold on!”

“For each school of magic, name the highest-level spell exclusive to a single class, what class the spell belongs to, and the lowest level that spell can be cast at. If there are multiple spells exclusive to a single class at the same highest level within a school, please name however many there are.”

“What?!”

“For each-”

“Yeah, no, I heard, but that’s like… that’s like 15 questions all at once! No fair!”

“It’s actually 24, at minimum.”

“That’s worse!” Magnus throws his arms wide, and Taako is quickly resigning himself to another dex save. “That’s so much worse!”

“What is your answer?”

“Uh… well, let’s see… so there are… _eight_ schools of magic.”

“Congratulations, that’s the first step. And also the easiest.”

“Thanks, I’m really working hard on this.”

“That was sarcastic.”

“Well, I wasn’t being sarcastic!”

“What you are is stalling.”

“I am- I am definitely stalling, but, uh- those schools of magic are…” Magnus looks at Taako. “Transmutation! And then there’s Conjuration.” That’s looking at Merle. “Divination!” Magnus points at Angus and then, with a shred of what is perhaps still undue confidence, to himself. Speaking of Angus, he’s staring off into the distance, probably running through whatever magical database lives in his head for the answer. “Then evocation, illusion, necromancy, abjuration!” Magnus ticks off the others, holding up seven fingers.

“That’s seven.”

Magnus looks down at his fingers and then back at Hodge Podge. “Shit!”

“That’s not a school of magic.”

“Uh… um… oh! Enchantment!”

“Well done. You answered something that wasn’t even the question.”

“Yeah, but that was still kind of hard for me!”

“The answer?”

“Right, so, uh, the answer is… um… okay, okay, uh…” It’s then that Angus steps surreptitiously behind Taako, just out of sight of whatever visual equipment Lucas dumped on Hodge Podge. And at once, Angus begins frantically and silently communicating using Thieves’ Cant. And while Taako has spent enough time on the road and around ruff bois and rogues alike to recognize some of the basics, Angus is clearly proficient. And just as importantly, so is Magnus.

“So… the answer… to your question… is…” Magnus continues blatantly stalling while Angus keeps going. “For evocation, there, uh, there are actually _two_, Hodge Podge you tricky bastard. First one is Power Word Heal which is a, uh… bard spell. And then Mass Heal is for clerics. Clerics who actually heal.”

“Hey!”

“And both of those are level 9.”

“That’s correct! Seven more to go though!”

“Fuck you, Hodge Podge!”

“That’s rude!”

“Bite me. Oh, wait, don’t, I take that back, I don’t know if Lucas installed some kind of biting thing around here.”

“I did not!”

“Then what did you install?” Taako asks, now that they’re on the subject.

“Well, there’s the Ice Spray.”

“Yeah, and we knew about that already,” Merle says, eyeing Magnus.

“Yes, we’ve seen that, sir.”

“And, uh, you also probably know about the Flame Jets.”

“Yeah, we definitely do,” Taako says.

“We remember those.” Merle nods.

“But, uh, it’s just, just stuff you’d expect kids to have lying around.”

“You expect kids to have ice cannons lying around?” Taako asks incredulously. “Like, literal babies with heavy machinery?”

Lucas argues back, saying, “Angus could cast Ray of Frost when he was 10!”

“I mean, that is right, sir, but not on this level.” Angus gestures to the room at large, still sparkling with frost.

“Plus, Angus is a genius, and also you shouldn’t have stolen his voice for your robot,” Magnus says firmly.

“A-HEM.” Said robot interjects. “I’m still waiting for the rest of the answer.” The voice changes. “Or are you still stalling?”

“I mean, I- uh, so for Illusion magic, that’s Weird-”

“What’s weird about it?”

“No, Merle. No.” Taako says, shaking his head.

“No, it’s a spell called Weird, and it’s a 9th level Wizard spell.”

“Correct! Six more!”

“I take back taking it back, bite me.” Magnus is keeping his eyes on Angus though. Angus looks to be practically breaking a sweat with everything he’s telling Magnus. “So for Conjuration that’s… Storm of Vengeance, which is 9th level. And then Transmutation has… Animal Shapes at level 8. And both of those are Druid spells.”

“Correct and correct!”

“Oh, shit, Divination’s that low?” Magnus asks incredulously in response to whatever Angus is saying now. “I mean, uh, Divination is that low meaning… level 5. And that’s a wizard spell called Rary’s Telepathic Bond.”

“Correct!”

“Clone is a level 8 wizard necromancy spell.” Magnus pauses. “One we are very familiar with. Thanks to Barry.”

“Correct!”

“There are _two_ again at level 9 for Abjuration, only this time both are Wizard spells. Those are Prismatic Wall and Invulnerability.”

“Correct!”

“And then there’s Enchantment and that’s… shit, _really_? Uh, well, that’s Hex… and it’s a level 1 warlock spell. Because everybody can do enchantment I guess?”

“Correct!”

“Yeah!” Magnus throws his arms up in triumph. “I did it!”

“Wow, you got that one right! I expected you to completely bone that one right up.”

“Now hold on! I’m good at things!”

“Not at magic things,” Merle says, shaking his head.

“I mean, I know _wizards_.” Magnus says, gesturing at Taako and Angus.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have expected you to know that without cheating like you did _last time_.”

“What, cheating, nah, homie, we learned our shit,” Taako drawls, relieved for the moment. Looks like they managed to drag their asses out of the fire on that one. Somewhat literally, depending on what Hodge Podge throws at them next.

But then Taako sees Magnus. He has his hands clamped over his mouth, and his eyes are wide. And it’s then that Taako remembers that not all of them passed that Charisma saving throw.

Hodge Podge lets out something like a laugh. “Besides, I would know if you-”

“I totally cheated!” Magnus yells, and Taako curses the day Merle learned that spell again. “I didn’t know the answer! Angus told me in Thieves’ Cant!”

“You two cheated?” Taako gasps, feigning surprise. As if that’s gonna work.

“Seriously, sir?”

“You… cheated. Well. You know what they say.” In a flash, Hodge Podge’s face and lettering goes red. “Cheaters never prosper.” A thunderous wave that could leave a troll concussed blasts outward from Hodge Podge, leaving Taako’s ears ringing and knocking Angus back. Right back into Merle, who, surprisingly, keeps Angus from falling on his ass entirely.

“Um. Ow.”

“You’re _welcome_.”

“Player Merle selected!”

“Hey, I didn’t volunteer!”

“Sir, you’re the only one left.”

“Still waiting on that thank you.”

“Thank you for making sure I didn’t completely beef it, sir.”

“You’re welcome!”

“Player Merle, please answer the following question from the category: math.”

“You sure you don’t want to ask me a religion question? You know, I could tell you a lot about Pan.”

“Nope! I’m pretty sure I’m gonna ask you a math question.”

“Okay, okay, sure, fine, ask me your question, what’s the worst that can happen?”

“I got iced over!”

“And I’m pretty sure I’m down like a fifth of my HP, sir.”

“Lucas, if this kills Angus, I’m suing your school. And sending Kravitz after you.”

“Player Merle, please answer the following question: which of the seven most important open problems in mathematics pertains to the extension of Fantasy Newton’s second law of motion to fluid flow and what is the problem?”

“Uh. I thought this was a math question.” Merle looks bewildered.

“It is.”

“It doesn’t sound like a math question.”

“Oh, it’s a math question. A really good math question.” Lucas says.

“At least he didn’t ask you to _solve_ it, sir.” Angus sighs.

“So, uh, the, the open problem about the, uh, the fluids and flow is… uh…” Merle trails off. “Okay, my best guess is… how did Taako make pocket pudding work?”

“That’s wrong!” Hodge Podge says, near gleeful as there’s a buzzer sound.

“But that’s gotta be one of the seven problems, right?”

“Yeah, doesn’t he get partial credit?” Magnus asks.

“Hm.” Hodge Podge ponders. “Nope!”

“What kinda test system is this? Lucas, you gotta know this thing’s got more bugs than your elevator museum, right?” Merle asks, exasperated.

Lucas mutters, “There weren’t _that_ many cockroaches.”

“Bugs you say? Then I guess it’s time for some _Pest Control_.” Hodge Podge’s face goes red on the last two words.

There’s the sound of a lot of metallic clicks at once as small vents open in the floor, and Taako staggers back as noxious clouds of lime green gas rise around them.

“Why would you need a poison test?” Taako yells to Lucas, voice muffled by the hands and cloak covering his nose. Hey, look, the Cloak of the Manta Ray is finally useful for something.

“I thought it was important to test all possible options!”

“Sir, robots are _invulnerable_ to poison!” Angus sounds like he’s buried his face in his sweater vest, but Taako wouldn’t know for sure, given that he can’t see anything in all this.

“Okay, okay, when you say it like that, it sounds bad!”

“Well, gee, why don’t you try knocking it over or charming it then, if we’re going for shit that doesn’t affect robots?” Merle sounds pretty normal.

“Did you install something to do psychic damage to us in here too?” Taako shouts.

“No, but I’m pretty sure I’m taking psychic damage now.” Lucas mutters.

“Good!” Taako, Magnus, and Merle yell together.

The smoke gradually clears, leaving only the entirely unpleasant aroma of rotten egg and an Angus-sized pile of Magnus’s sweaty socks.

Hodge Podge seems to look between the four of them, surprised they’re all still standing. “Wow, you’re all a lot more competent than last time!”

“Thanks, and go fuck yourself.” Taako says.

“That is really rude. Also, I’m a robot.”

“We know.” The four of them chorus.

“Also, the answer was the Fantasy Navier-Fantasy Stokes equations, and the problem is that no one has yet proven that solutions exist in three dimensions, and if they do exist, that they’re smooth.”

“Wow, I’m learning!” Merle says.

“Yeah, and you know that’s the truth!” Taako shakes his head.

“I knew that.” Like Taako would expect anything less from Angus.

“Yes, but the question wasn’t directed at you, _Angus_.” Hodge Podge retorts.

“Hey, you already stole Angus’s voice, Hodge Podge! Don’t sass him too!” Magnus protests.

“We do not have the same voice!” Angus and Hodge Podge say in unison, in the exact same tone of voice. Despite the situation, Taako is struggling not to laugh.

“Player Merle-”

“That’s my name; don’t wear it out.”

“If you don’t get a question right so we can the fuck out of here, I will end you, old man.” Taako starts rubbing at his temples.

“What happened to not being responsible for my 69th death, hm?” Taako doesn’t deign to respond to Merle’s question.

“Player Merle, please answer the following question from the category: Arcana.”

“…That’s still not a religion question.”

“Nope! Player Merle, please answer the following question: what are the names of the most magically powerful platonic solids?”

Merle blinks. And then, in an entirely different, less crunchy voice somehow reminiscent of someone from maybe 30 cycles into the Century, Merle says, “Oh, I know that!”

“You do?” Taako asks incredulously, and entirely in unison with everyone else.

“Of course I do, I use ‘em all the time!” And Merle starts counting off on his fingers. “There’s, uh, the little one, the tetrahedron. Then you’ve got the octahedron and the dodecahedron, and I always get those mixed up. And the icosahedron of course! And then the weird one isn’t a platonic solid, so, uh, we can ignore that. And I’m forgetting one… Oh yeah! The cube!”

“Wow, nice job, sir!” Angus says approvingly.

“You forgot the easiest one out of all of them?” Taako asks, incredulous.

Magnus agrees, saying, “Yeah, Lup ate one for power when she was in the Umbra Staff! Remember the Arcane Core?”

“’Course I remember!” Merle says, indignant and sounding like actual Merle once more. “So how do you like them weirdly shaped apples, hm, Hodge Podge?”

“Wow, good job, everyone! You all answered questions correctly!”

“So, uh, shield down and he should just turn off, right?” Taako hisses into his Stone of Farspeech.

“Yeah, hopefully this will just run through the programming to the end where he turns off.”

“Yeah! Hodge Podge, are you gonna turn off?” Taako calls more loudly.

Hodge Podge’s screens flicker as he says, “Congratulations! This concludes our lesson for today! Bye now!” And the screens go black.

After a moment, Taako says, “So, uh, that door gonna open or-”

Hodge Podge’s face flickers back. “You finished your quiz, but you still haven’t done your reading assignment.” Hodge Podge’s face flickers again, and then flickers to red. “I guess this just became an audio medium.”

_Fuck that._

Almost before Hodge Podge has finished talking, Taako has sent a hissing, sparking, arcing bolt of lightning straight at the robot. Hodge Podge lights up like fireworks, screen flaring and cracking, circuitry blowing and solenoids unspiraling and machinery seizing. There’s a sound like metallic screaming as rotors and fans and countless other moving parts tear loose through the body of the robot like shrapnel before launching, ricocheting about the room. Not for nothing, but robots _do_ have a damage vulnerability to lightning.

As the spell tapers off, Hodge Podge’s face, warped and glitching behind a cracked screen, flickers in and out, and several thin plumes of black smoke rise from various open joints. The robot is moving jerkily, seeming to try to pull himself together after getting thoroughly fried.

“Please don’t break my robot.” Lucas asks quietly, the request coming a little too late.

“Oh, we’re way fuckin’ past breaking your robot.” Taako says, eyeing the destruction he’s wrought.

“Yeah! I’m gonna rip some arms off!” Magnus declares, raising his own arms up.

“Yeah, Magnus, listen, go buckwild.” Taako says. “You have my full permission to rip the shitty robot’s arms off.”

“He’s not a shitty robot!”

“I’m not a shitty robot.” Hodge Podge has managed to jerk himself into a more or less upright position, staring at them. “And I think the returning students will remember this one!”

Taako feels the heat rising an instant before the flame jets go off, and he hits the deck near hard enough to take fall damage. Scorching hot flames shoot overhead less than a heartbeat later, seemingly surrounding him, surrounding everything. It’d be nice right about now if Lup could help.

There’s a click as the flame jets turn off, and the worst of the heat and fire dissipates. Taako looks up from where he’s prone on the floor to see Hodge Podge looming and surrounded by lingering flames. “So, are you finally ready for that lesson?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Success! I've been waiting for this basically since Sanvi suggested the book as an item ages ago and I instantly knew what direction I wanted to take that in (thanks, Sanvi, for maximum chaos!). I actually home brewed Hodge Podge for this and had a great deal of fun on those questions (even with the brief refresher course on partial differential equations), so I hope you enjoyed it as well!
> 
> As always, kudos and comment to feed your local lich; bookmark, subscribe, or head to my works or [](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for more comment.


	8. For Better, For Worse, For Being Set on Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When everything’s gone to shit, sometimes you just have to blow up a robot and get tacos.
> 
> Taako leaves Neverwinter. Kravitz comes back to Neverwinter. In that order.

_The book_. The first thing to strike Taako after, well, the floor, is not a biting retort for the world’s worst robot but the realization that fire and objects primarily made of paper are not a great mix. At least, not for Taako, and not in this moment.

Taako rolls over, plainly ignoring Hodge Podge as he roots around in his bag, letting out a sigh of relief as his hand comes in contact with a book and not a handful of ash.

“I’m fine thank you! No need to ask!” Taako pushes himself up to sitting to see a somewhat toasted Merle glaring daggers at Taako as he holds an arm out, letting Angus Prestidigitate the lingering flickers of flame out.

“Oh, cool. Then I won’t.” Taako stands, brushing some invisible dust off of his clothes.

“I was being sarcastic!” Merle huffs, hands on his hips.

“So, uh, good news is, I think I’m thawed out now! Bad news is, ow!” Magnus looks equally toasty.

“At least you had the belt buckle on the right setting this time,” Taako points out.

“Oh yeah! I did! Score one for Magnus!”

“Are you going to pay attention or not?” The four all look to an irate Hodge Podge. “It’s rude to ignore someone. Now let’s-”

“Sir, hit him with Silence!” Angus’s voice rings out over Hodge Podge, and he’s clapped his hands over his ears.

“Huh?” Magnus’s question runs right over Hodge Podge’s restarted statement.

“Do I have that spell?” Merle asks, seemingly oblivious to Hodge Podge talking.

“No, wait! That’s a good idea! Merle, cast Silence!” Taako yells. They’ve always been good at interrupting. Call it a proficiency.

“Sir, if he’s in a Silence bubble, he can’t read the book!” Angus yells before starting to loudly recite Caleb Cleveland from memory. Shit. If Taako knows that, that means he’s starting to memorize it too. He covers for that realization by starting to list every spice he can think of. Magnus, having followed along, starts singing, and the three of them effectively drown Hodge Podge out.

“Oh yeah! Works for me!” Merle flips open the Extreme Teen Bible and raises a finger to his lips. Hodge Podge is cut off once more. Angus stops reciting. Taako stops talking. After a quick elbow, Magnus stops singing.

And for a moment, blissful silence. No Angus-like robot voice, nothing.

“So it worked?” Lucas’s voice crackles over the stone.

Taako sighs in relief. “That’s the immediate problem solved.”

Angus shakes his head, pointing as “Oh, well played” scrolls its way across Hodge Podge’s screen.

“I don’t think we’re done yet, sirs!” Angus shouts, gearing up to cast.

“Listen, boys, I am sor-”

“Lucas, I have been frozen and set on fire within the span of five minutes. Save it!” Magnus glowers threateningly, seemingly once again forgetting that Lucas can’t see a godsdamn thing through the Stone of Farspeech.

“Hey, what kid were you _making this _for anyway?” Merle demands.

“Yeah, what kind of child just _attacks_ a robot?” Taako asks. Angus’s wand, held steady near his face, shoots forward in a sharp jab. And as he does, a conjured arrow shoots forth, leaving a shimmer of green in its wake, and explodes into a wave as it hits its target. Even without volume, it’s apparent that Hodge Podge doesn’t enjoy the shower of acid. And more importantly, the scrolling text is completely obscured with bright green goo. “Uh… never mind!”

“Lucas, sir, are you going to be able to shut him down and open the door before Merle’s spell ends?”

“Okay, so, he managed to get into his own system… and into the lab… and a good bit of the power grid…”

“Sounds like we’ve gotta murder a robot.” Merle pauses for a beat. “Again.”

“Do you really have to?”

Taako retorts, “Did you really have to build a murder robot with ice beams and flame jets and Thunderwave and _poison capabilities_?”

Lucas sighs. “No.”

“So, we have to kill the robot.”

“Can you try to leave him at least… not totally destroyed?”

“I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”

“Uh. Not to interrupt, but. Guys?” Magnus sounds nervous, and Taako looks back to see entirely new panels in the wall slide open. “Lucas? Was there anything _else_ you put in here?”

They don’t have time for Lucas to answer before green liquid not unlike what Angus just shot at Hodge Podge arcs through the air. And fuck that, acid wash has been out of season for decades.

Taako swerves, Angus dodges, and there’s a loud metal screeching as Magnus just fucking rips one of the cannons clean off the wall.

“Hey look! I’m still good at it!” Magnus waves the cannon around triumphantly, ignoring the slow leak of acid oozing out of the hole in the wall.

“And I’m still bad at it,” Merle grumbles, vigorously attempting to shake off drips of acid. “Almost wanna take the spell down-”

“Don’t even think about it!”

“Hold your phantom horse, I said almost! I just wanna tell Hodge Podge he’s still a dick.” Merle glares at Hodge Podge.

“I might have an idea,” Taako says, before a glowing hand, Mage Hand’s Magnus-sized cousin, appears a few feet ahead of them, already flipping Hodge Podge an eight feet high bird. An eight feet high bird that turns into an eight feet high fist and a direct hit.

A pretty fuckin’ good direct hit, if Taako says so himself. Which he does. Hodge Podge even seems extra pissed about it; his angry face is glowing brighter…

Wait. Fuck.

Taako yanks his hat down over his eyes as every light in the room glows searingly bright.

“Is there anything _else _we need to know about?”

“Huh? What? Sorry- there’s just- there’s this weird drop in the power grid-”

“Maybe because Hodge Podge shined all of it straight into our eyeballs?” Taako’s voice is dripping with sarcasm as he raises his hat. Magnus is blinking a little, and Merle is squinting. Eh, they’re fine. Angus has raised his glasses and is rubbing at his eyes. Not fine.

“Well, I mean, you know, that would account for _some_ of it, but- oh shit, boys, it’s _really_ dropping, and I have no idea where it’s going-”

“Uh. Think I can answer that.” Merle points to Hodge Podge. “Check it out.”

Hodge Podge is crackling with energy, not unlike when Taako zapped the hell out of him before (should probably do that one again), but this time there’s no bits and pieces firing off. Actually, things seem to be going the other direction.

“Lucas.”

“Uh… yes, Taako?”

“Did you give Hodge Podge recovery abilities?”

“Okay, now, no, that one was just hypothetical, just, I just had schematics on how that _might_ work.”

“Oh, it’s working all right.”

“Huh?”

“Sirs, what’s going on?”

Magnus shrugs, voice casual. “Eh… It’s nothing, just turns out Hodge Podge is a better healer than Merle.”

“Hey!”

“Hodge Podge is… fixing himself?” Angus sounds a mix of surprised and annoyed. Taako can relate.

“Plain as the nose on your face!”

“Sir, I can’t see the nose on my face right now.”

Magnus claps a hand on Angus’s shoulder, surprising the kid but seemingly knocking some color back into him. “Then you gotta be careful not to let anyone steal it! Now, if you’ll excuse me. Ahem.” Magnus clears his throat before taking off at a run, yelling.

“At least Silence works on him, too,” Merle says conversationally as Magnus’s cry is suddenly cut off 20 feet from Hodge Podge.

“Yeah, we should remember that one. Oh, giant sword time. Aaaaaand that’s a hit. And another one.” Taako narrates, half-bored, for Angus’s benefit.

“You think he’s gonna realize that bludgeoning’s less effective?” Merle asks.

Taako waves him off. “Eh, it’s okay; he’s fine. Oh, okay, that’s…”

“That’s Magnus.” Merle sums it up succinctly as Magnus clobbers Hodge Podge with the cannon he’d pulled off the wall, sending a fresh deluge of noxious green acid over the robot. “Ooh, that’s gonna stain.”

Taako tsks, shaking his head. “You’re never gonna get that out.”

Angus cocks his head to the side. “So if I were to deduce that Magnus just used the acid cannon he grabbed off the wall as an improvised weapon?”

“Magnus grabbed WHAT?” Lucas nearly yells through the Stone of Farspeech.

“Yeah, yeah, you detectived good enough for that horseshit.” Taako reaches over and ruffles Angus’s hair. Kid’s getting too damn tall now. “Oh- shit- Ango- _ice!_”

Taako barely has time to react as the ice jets activate, extinguishing the remaining fire and nearly turning this into a frozen Candlenights special.

“Don’t worry! I’m okay!” Merle yells, slipping and sliding on their new ice rink. Magnus jogs up, heedless of the ice.

“Did you see-”

“Yeah.”

“Ango, did you-”

“No.”

“Oh right. But it was really cool though.”

“I’m sure it was, sir.”

“Have you been taking sarcasm lessons from Lucretia?”

“A-hem! Actually healing over here! Oh! Pan-enly father!” Merle slides by all of them, slowly moving backwards. “You mind helping us out here so the kid doesn’t keel over on us?”

“I’m not _dying,_” Angus complains as holy light washes over all of them.

“Yeah, thanks to me.”

“Wait, is that Prayer of Healing? Doesn’t that have a ten-minute casting time?” Everyone ignores Lucas’s query. Not like the rules have ever actually applied to Merle.

“I wasn’t- ugh.” Angus gives his wand a flick, and six tiny meteors appear in orbit around him.

“Whoa, that’s cool, Ango!” Magnus gasps, poking at a meteor.

Taako leans over, doing the same. “Wow, really favoring _Melf_ there, what with the acid arrow and the meteors, Agnes. You got a new teacher?”

“Melf has been dead for a thousand years, sir.”

“And your point is?” Taako asks, arching an eyebrow.

“Right, I forgot everyone in this family has died multiple times.”

“Except for you, Ango!” Magnus exclaims.

“Yeah, thanks to me.” Merle slides past them going the other way.

“I wasn’t dying!”

“I’m trying to make a point over here!” Taako yells as Bigby’s Hand punches Hodge Podge a second time. “Point is, teacher and student should match. Check it!” And seven balls of starlight flit out of from Taako’s Krebstar to circle his head.

Angus remains unimpressed. “Sir, I still can’t see shit.”

“Yeah, well-” Another thunderous wave blasts them in the face. Taako ignores it as Magnus is launched backward ten feet. He landed on his feet, didn’t he? “Trust me when I say it looks really cool.”

“_Oh_.” Angus looks to finally be blinking the stars out of his eyes, but he’s not appropriately dazzled by Taako’s Crown of Stars- he’s watching Hodge Podge repair himself. Again. “This isn’t working.”

“Yeah, tell me something I don’t know, Ango.” Taako huffs. Somewhere, there’s the brush of a thought, a wisp of a memory in the back of his head. Oh dunk, did he leave the oven on? Can the moon even be burned down? “Yeah, uh, Lucas, any progress on the robot, the room, the door, _or_ the rebuilding? ‘Cause, uh, your robot is making destroying your robot kinda difficult.”

“No, it’s- look, he got into his own coding, the room coding- and-”

“You made the robot too smart for you to outsmart!” Magnus has rejoined them. He claps a hand on Angus’s shoulder, pointing straight at the evil robot that Angus can once more see. Two meteors blast out, exploding around Hodge Podge, and are immediately followed by the Chance Lance. “Good job, Ango!” Magnus yells as the Chance Lance zooms back into his hand. “I’m proud of you!” The Chance Lance flies once more, quickly impaling its target.

“Now, okay, I know this is bad, but I’m still smarter than Hodge Podge, and I’m gonna get you out of there!”

“Before we destroy the robot?”

“…Maybe.”

“This is worse than last time!” Merle yells, already covering his nose as there’s another series of metallic clicks and clouds of poisonous fog billow forth. Before it’s even fully cleared, Merle is speaking again, shouting, “Hey Hodge Podge! Eat a dick!” A column of divine fire powerful enough to impress even Lup roars down from the ceiling, centered squarely on Hodge Podge, enveloping the robot so entirely that they can’t see a damn thing. Taako isn’t sure there will even be a robot left for Magnus to disarm.

“_What_ is _that_?” Lucas shouts over the roar of the inferno.

“Nothing!” Taako says at once. “Merle’s just doing some… interior redecorating.”

“Are you destroying _my lab_ too?!”

“Eh…” Magnus shrugs.

Merle grins. “How do you feel about a new skylight?”

The blaze lowers to flames that flicker and flash into nothingness. Hodge Podge, still glowing bright red and with melted wire coating dripping out in clumpy rivulets, looks up to glare at them.

“Well… shit!” Merle throws his arms up. Magnus lets out a long, drawn-out, frustrated groan.

“Wait!” Angus grabs Taako’s sleeve, and Taako turns, seeing an urgent look in his eyes. “How did you beat him last time?”

Tell me something I don’t know. The thought clicks. “We stumped him! We asked him a question he couldn’t answer!” Angus’s eyes are alight, but that’s not the light of realization. “Fuck!” Taako yells, shoulder-checking Angus to the side. The flames hit, and yeah, that’s about as unpleasant as Taako remembers.

_Book, book, fuck, book!_ Taako pats out a few lingering flames as Merle pushes Magnus to stop, drop, and roll for the fire the belt didn’t protect him from. No singing. No burnt paper. Magnus might have lost some arm hair, judging by the smell, but the book is fine.

Taako looks back to a wide-eyed Angus. “We asked him something he didn’t know the answer too.”

Merle butts in. “Yeah, we stumped him really good! Definitely didn’t take ten minutes and a call to Pan!”

“Oh, by asking him something about the Bureau or the Relics.” Angus nods, rapidly moving back into serious detective mode now that he’s sure nobody needs Revivifying. Fuck, explaining that one to Krav would _suck._

“Well, now, I mean, hindsight is 20/20.” Taako jokes weakly. They’d had a hard-enough time coming up with a question even when they knew a bunch of stuff had been voidfished.

“But the whole damn story got blasted so Hodge Podge probably has all that good info!” Magnus, satisfied that he has all of his sideburns, yells.

“Yeah, you’re kind of… under recent history.” Lucas finally pipes back up sheepishly.

“Something he doesn’t know…” Angus turns, staring at Hodge Podge, brain whirring quickly. And hopefully faster than Hodge Podge’s stupid robot brain.

“Sir. Merle.” Angus says, urgently. “Take down the Silence spell.”

“What!” Taako says, and he isn’t alone. Taako looks at Angus. Angus looks to Taako, jaw set and eyes determined.

“Kid, what are you-”

“Do it.” Taako says, voice flat and hard.

“You too?”

“I told you before. I trust Angus McDonald.” Angus breaks into a grin at that but doesn’t lose focus.

The spell drops.

“And when I-” Hodge Podge stops and beeps in surprise. “Oh, did Merle lose concentration? In that case-”

“Hey Hodge Podge!” Angus yells, the sound echoing around the now entirely battle-scarred room, and strides a few feet forward. “I bet I can stump you.”

Hodge Podge lets out a series of trilling beeps. “Oh, now, we aren’t playing-”

“Oh, are you afraid, Hodge Podge?” Taako follows after Angus. “You really liked this stupid game last time.”

“I am a robot, and I cannot feel fear. This is-”

“Prove it,” Taako and Angus say in unison.

Hodge Podge lets out another series of beeps, and, miracle of all Istus-approved miracles, his face, what of the screen that isn’t cracked or otherwise fried, goes green. “Let’s play… Stump Hodge Podge!” He plays a familiar musical theme.

Angus takes a deep breath.

“Where do we find a bone from an animal that’s never been born?”

“Oh that’s good,” Merle mutters behind them.

“That should be easy! One moment please while I search my databases.”

Angus shakes his head. “No, I’m not done.”

“But it’s-”

“What is the name of a man who was the seventh son of a seventh daughter and wore a cloak on his wedding day?”

“Simple! Let me add it to the query.”

“And boom goes the dynamite!” Magnus quietly cheers.

“Are you… are you trying to overload him to distract him?” Lucas asks in a whisper.

“Sh!” Taako and Angus both hush him.

“Hodge Podge, one more question.” Angus’s voice rings out clear in the empty room.

“Now hold on just one moment-”

“I thought you were the best robot and could handle any question?” There’s a dissatisfied beep even among all the processing noises. Hodge Podge’s fans have kicked into high gear to keep things cool, but it sounds like half of them have melted already. Or been impaled by the Chance Lance. It’s hard to tell.

“Very…” Hodge Podge’s face flickers. “Very well. I am Hodge Podge, the world’s smartest learning robot after all.”

Angus’s face spreads into a grin. “What was the Raven Queen’s name when she was still mortal?”

Hodge Podge’s face flickers again. “The bone of a- cloak- wedding- never born- seventh daughter- Raven Queen’s- name name name name-” Hodge Podge starts sticking on the word, repeating it frantically, pace rapidly accelerating.

Angus looks to Taako. “Just in case, sir?”

“You read my mind, little man.”

Once more in unison, teacher and student cast.

And, well, it’s not exactly an even fight. Two more meteors explode around Hodge Podge, the fragments of rock lit from behind by the ball of starlight that nearly severs Hodge Podge from his base as it hits. But there’s scarcely time to see even that as two immensely powerful Lightning Bolts catch a single target in their path. And then, it’s like fireworks. Nuts and bolts launch like shrapnel; the remaining melting plastic spatters across floor, walls, and ceiling; sheets of metal wrench and fall; screens splinter and shatter; a high-pitched whine grows louder and louder even over the roar of the lightning.

And Hodge Podge explodes.

Bits and pieces of robot fall, the party shielded by one Magnus Burnsides rushing in, shield at the ready. As the last of it falls, there’s a distinctly louder, dull clunk against the Shield of Heroic Memories. A mostly intact robotic arm falls to the ground, landing with the clatter of glass and metal beneath it.

“Dibs!” Magnus yells, snatching the arm up at once.

There’s the sound of something sliding open behind them. Lucas’s voice crackles over the Stone of Farspeech. “So I finally got the door open.”

* * *

As they walk out of the school’s front door, Taako finds himself half-wondering who is gladder that they’re leaving: them or Lucas. Between the four of them, they’ve been frozen, set on fire, thunderwaved across the room, blinded, drenched in acid, and almost poisoned. Though Lucas’s lab _also_ took that damage, _plus_ every damage die they’d thrown (though Merle’s Flame Strike had not, in fact, put a hole in Lucas’s roof). But Lucas at least has sequestered himself in one of the school’s nap pods. No, the one handling the damage is the ever-competent Ms. Kathleen, Lucas’s second-in-command, who had pretty much teleported over to assess the damage and high five both Angus and Bigby’s Hand. A battalion of grad students had been summoned to handle the mess, and Taako had ordered more than Magnus’s weight in pizza for purposes of bribery (and thanks, if you ask Angus). Though most of them _had_ agreed that Hodge Podge was a creepy little robot to begin with…

All in all, Taako’s inclined to call this one a draw.

Angus stops once they’ve reached street level. “Right, um, well, that’s done, sir. So… I guess you’ll be heading back then, to go to the Plane of Thought and to get ready to meet Captain Davenport tomorrow.” Angus fiddles with his bowtie, which has been crooked since Hodge Podge’s Thunderwave had pretty much bowled him over. “And I guess I should head back-”

“Is school in session?” Taako interrupts, much to Angus’s surprise. But really, you’d think he’d learn by now.

“Um… excuse me, sir?”

“I said, is school in session?” Taako raises an eyebrow.

“You know we’re on break, sir.” Angus’s confusion is only growing.

“Cool, ‘cause I thought _you_ had forgotten, or do you not want to head back up to the moon base?”

Angus tilts his head to the side. “I thought my whole job here was to make sure Lucas was able to get the book done.”

Taako nods. “Right. And you did that. Nice job, Ango. But, uh, I would have thought you woulda figured the next bit out. I mean, you asked Hodge Podge yourself.”

“I don’t understand, sir.”

“That’s a first.” Taako hears Merle mutter to Magnus. “Hey!” Magnus must have shoved Merle.

“A-hem!” Taako says loudly before redirecting his attention to Angus. “We need another nerd to find shit. Maybe even a detective nerd.” Taako nudges Angus, who hides a smile, rolling his eyes.

“Aw, what?” Merle objects.

Magnus is more excited. “Adding one Ango to my inventory!”

Angus’s expression becomes a familiar mix of calculating and mischievous, the look that had preceded an adventure to get a signed copy of Caleb Cleveland. “My price is one piece of silverware per diem for the remainder of the week, sir.”

Taako sucks on his teeth, feigning consideration. “You drive a hard bargain, little man. Done.”

After a brief detour to the dorms to pick up some of Angus’s fancy lad belongings for a few days, they’re headed back to the moon. Slowly. Very slowly. You’d think Lucretia would equip these things with more than one speed.

And, Taako thinks, leaning away from Magnus and into the glass wall of the sphere, more than one size. Sure, the thing is built for four, but Magnus is basically the size of two people or one actual bear, and Taako had drawn the short straw on seat assignments. He flicks off a few more wood shavings, the result of Magnus’s inability to sit still. Though the other seats can’t be much better, with Angus and his bag containing possibly every Caleb Cleveland book in existence and Merle still failing the pH test required for Taako to go near him.

But finally, _finally_, Taako can see that the moon is getting-

“That’s no moon!” Merle yells the too familiar joke, and far too loudly for the confined space.

“Merle, for fuck’s- fuckin’- you can’t make that joke _every_ time!”

“Sure, I can! Watch! That’s no moon!” He proclaims proudly a second time.

Taako puts his head in his hands, ignoring how this crushes his hat against the back of Angus’s seat. “Lup and Barry got a cake. I get a fuckin’ quest and you two.”

“Taako! You’ve got Angus too! And Lucretia and Cap’n’port and Carey and Killian and Avi and Brad and-”

“Hell. This is hell. I’m in hell.”

“-Hurley and Sloane and Ren and June and Roswell and I guess Cassidy, though she might have blown that up anyway and Lucas and-”

“Oh, there’s another sphere floating up!” Angus says, thoroughly ignoring Taako’s sad and sorry state.

Naturally, Taako sits up, and he and the other two chucklefucks look in the same direction, Magnus leaning over Taako to see.

It’s Ren, sitting comfortably on her own, the sphere practically roomy when you’re the only one in it. She has noticed them as well and waves cheerfully before pointing to the bag sitting on the seat next to her.

Okay, _now_ Taako can check the crown off the list.

“We gotta race!” Magnus declares, immediately starting to pantomime the idea to Ren. “How do we make this thing go faster? We gotta win.”

“All we gotta do is get out of here so I can get a break from you two.” Taako leans back into the glass.

“We’re winning!”

“You sure about that, Maggie?”

“Noooooooooo! We gotta win. Angus, you learned from Avi; how do we make this go faster?”

“We don’t?”

“Go go go! Yeahhhhhhhhh!” Magnus yells as their sphere passes through the open portcullis into the moon base. At the exact same time Ren’s does.

The sphere slows to a halt and locks into place. At the exact same time Ren’s does.

The door swings open, and Magnus jumps out

“We won!”

“It was the exact same time.”

“We still won!”

“Hey, boys, did you get the book? How… how did it go?” Avi asks the latter question more hesitantly, taking in Taako and Magnus’s singed clothes and Merle’s acid-washed fantasy Hawaiian shirt.

“Hell yeah, we got the book, Avi,” Taako answers, blatantly ignoring the second question.

“I’ll be honest, boys, I didn’t think that going to get a book would be quite so… dangerous?”

“It’s not our fault!” Merle objects immediately.

“Yeah, Lucas’s evil robot son has it out for us!” Naturally, Magnus tags in.

“Besides, didn’t you send us to a place where a giant bird attacked?” Merle squints at Avi. Taako doesn’t bother to hide his snort of laughter.

“Oh, uh, well, good to have you back, and you boys did it, that’s great, and hey, Angus, nice to see you up on the moon again, how’s school go-” Avi suddenly stops, eyes going wide.

“Avi? Hey Avi?” Magnus snaps his fingers in front of Avi’s face, to no effect.

Taako looks over his shoulder to see what Avi is staring at. Or rather, who. Ren has disembarked from her own sphere, toting the crown in the bag. “Don’t stop on my account. Hey, Magnus? You mind taking this? I think you made it heavier than I am.”

Taako throws out an arm to stop Magnus before he can rush over. “Oh, uh, hey, Avi, why don’t you grab that, ‘cause, uh, Magnus is down a few hitpoints from getting set on fire, you know how it is. Plus, Mango, you can grab Ango’s bag. But, uh, anyway, Avi, you’ve met Ren, right? At Killian and Carey’s wedding?”

“Oh, uh, sure, of course. Uh, hi, Ren.” Avi takes the bag, doing a very bad job of not staring. “Nice… nice to see you again.” Taako barely restrains himself from smacking his hand to his head. From a slapping sound next to him, it seems Magnus was considerably less subtle.

“All right, let’s go, c’mon, Ango.” Taako starts ushering all of them out of the hangar and onward to the dome at the center of the moon base. “Places to be, people to see.” Taako steers Angus forward, the whole gang following behind. “And you’re coming along.”

“I thought you wanted me to help with research, not field work.”

“Think of it as a field trip.”

“Field trip?” Angus is skeptical.

“Listen, I’m still teaching you, aren’t I?” Taako asks as they walk into the dome. Once again, Lucretia’s gotten everything set up. Once again, Brad seems to have gotten himself covered in soot.

“Yes?”

“Then it’s time we honored the age-old tradition of field trips.” Taako declares. Carey runs across the room and jumps on Magnus. Killian and Lucretia immediately lock onto Avi talking to Ren.

“Okay? Where… are we going then?”

“Surprised you haven’t figured it out already, boy detective.”

“World’s best detective.” Angus looks at Taako, then to the disk setup, and back to Taako again. “You want me to come to the Plane of Thought? With you?”

“I mean, listen, you’re probably the one around here who thinks the most, right?”

“What about Magnus and Merle?” Angus asks before Carey turns on him, attacking him with a hug.

“Yeah, what about us?” Merle exclaims, hands on his hips, butting into the conversation.

“Well, _Merle_ got to chill with Pan and jump into a celestial ocean-” Taako says pointedly.

“Oh _that’s_ why he was wet!” Carey says, taking a step back so Killian can hug Angus as well, scooping him into a hug.

“Yes, but… Merle, why are you wet now?” Brad asks.

“Hey now, the acid’s pretty dry at this point!” Merle objects as Killian drops Angus. “That being said… I’m gonna go take a bath. And then find dry pants. Again.” Merle heads out, a still concerned Brad watching.

“Yeah, so Merle did that, and Magnus got to go to a place so magic you could taste it.”

“Magic tastes like spinach.” Magnus declares, astonishingly serious for, y’know, Magnus.

“Wait… does it?” Killian asks, incredulous, looking between Magnus, Taako, and Lucretia. “Does magic really taste like spinach?”

“Only sometimes!” Magnus laughs.

“Yeah, when you use it to conjure fuckin’ spinach.” Taako waves off the comment before returning to Angus. “Plus, I need a lunar interlude away from them.”

“You need a what?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Taako has started to root around in his pockets. His hand settles on the book, which he pulls out and immediately, without looking, throws to Lucretia.

She catches it without hesitation, raising an eyebrow. “I sense a story there?”

“Yeah, just don’t read that one. I’m not getting set on fire again for that shit.”

Lucretia looks between the book and Taako. “Really?”

But Taako knows that’s not quite the question she’s asking. “Like I’d let anyone else babysit a book that important.” Taako says brusquely before turning back to Angus. “You coming or not, Angus?”

Angus startles, the reality of it finally hitting him. “R-really? Of course, sir! Thanks so much!”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get sappy.”

“Um. Taako?”

Taako looks up, in the midst of grabbing the Transmuter’s Stone from his pocket. “Uh, yeah, Ren?”

“Mind if I come along?”

“But…” Ren looks excited. And somewhat oblivious. Avi looks like he’s still having trouble talking and will for the foreseeable future. “Um, I mean, yeah, of course you’re welcome, if you want to. Though, uh, if I need to remind you, it’s all humans over there, so they might have a problem with the whole being gray and having silver hair thing.”

Ren looks at Taako, unimpressed. “I have magic powers?” She reminds him before casting Disguise Self. In a moment, a human woman who could be June’s older sister is grinning at Taako.

“I guess we’re going to the Plane of Thought then. Anyone else fourth-wheeling it?”

“That sounds really cool, but, uh, if humans have never seen a Drow, I don’t know how well an orc and a Dragonborn would go over.” Carey says, scratching her neck.

“Yeah, and besides, Carey and I are gonna go check something out. We don’t know for sure!” Killian says hastily, seemingly seeing the surprise flicker across Taako’s face. “But we’re gonna try!” She holds her hand out for a fist bump, which Taako returns. “Wish us luck.”

“Pfft, like you need it.”

“And we’ll definitely be back tonight to be ready for tomorrow!” Carey says, punching Magnus in the shoulder.

“Ha, yeah, _ow_.” Magnus says, rubbing his shoulder. “You good, Taako?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Okay. I’m gonna. Go take a nap. Nice short rest. Get some not frozen, not burnt clothes.”

“I think I’ll join the ‘get new clothes’ team.” Brad says, looking forlornly at soot splotches in his shirt.

Taako looks at Lucretia. Lucretia looks at Taako. “Avi will… help me with research,” she says, clapping a hand on Avi’s shoulder. He jumps.

“Cool.” Taako is already reaching for the thin disk of water. In a flash, it’s a vast expanse of emerald, not unlike the compact Taako still keeps with him.

“Hey, Taako?” Ren asks, eyeing the diamond and amethyst disks leaning against the walls as the emerald disk is cranked up to vertical. “What are you planning on doing with these disks afterward?”

Taako pauses. “No idea.” And then he steps through.

While the Plane of Magic had seemed loud with magic, the Plane of Thought is just _loud_. Angus and Ren are immediately looking around wide-eyed. Taako, for his part, having seen over a hundred planes before, uh, thank you, is at least hiding his surprise as he looks around, taking in the distant tall buildings, the battlewagons (none of which seem to be armed with a harpoon gun) zooming along over a paved road, the sheer number of people enjoying a sunny day at the beach that Taako had popped them out near. Besides. Taako is looking for something in particular. Someone in particular.

And there. In a line of several not-stagecoaches serving food, but with easily the longest line, there is what Taako knows to be called a food truck emblazoned with the words “South Beach Tacos.” And the reason that Taako knows this is called a food truck is leaning out of the window, handing out a basket of tacos before giving the customers two finger guns, small red sparks flying off.

Taako looks back at a still awestruck Angus and Ren. “Who’s hungry?”

Taako moseys up past the line to study the menu board. And as Joaquin Terrero leans out to give the next customer their food, Taako says, “Heard those picadillo tacos are something real special. Maybe even magic.”

“Taako?” Joaquin yelps, almost dropping the food before shoving it in the waiting person’s hands and half-climbing out of the food truck serving window, frantically looking around.

“Isn’t that a food? Are you looking for a food?” Taako continues, laughing as Joaquin nearly falls out of the window. “Are you looking for a food that you make regularly?”

“Taako!” Joaquin yells, having spotted Taako at last. “You’re here! What’re you- oh, hang on!” Joaquin ducks back in the window. Taako hears Joaquin shout -presumably to the infamous shithead brother- that he’s going to take a lunch break. A door pops open in the side of the food truck. “One second, Taako, I’ll grab- oh! You came with people?” Joaquin asks, spotting Ren and Angus with him. “Uh, gimme five minutes!”

Approximately seven minutes later, Joaquin emerges from the truck, a tray carefully balanced in his hands.

“You’re late.” Taako states, walking along with Joaquin to a picnic table he’d sent Angus and Ren to stake out.

“You can’t rush art. Or food.” Joaquin retorts. “And tacos are both.”

“That they are,” Taako says as Joaquin carefully sets down four little paper baskets of tacos, along with some napkins and drinks. “Angus. Ren. Meet Joaquin. And may I present: the dish, the chefs who saved the multiverse,” Taako says with a grand flourish.

“Hm, I think I recall having had a hand in some of that multiverse-saving,” Ren replies, teasing.

Angus, however, is already eating a taco. “It’s really good, sir!” He says with a thumbs up.

“Impatient!” Taako shakes his head. “Right, let’s dig in.”

“So why are you here, Taako?” Joaquin asks once they’ve finished some damn good tacos, if Taako is anyone to judge. Which he is, natch. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, this is… _wow_. But- is this about saving the world? Again? ‘Cause I still have magic powers.”

“Not quite that big. Still pretty big. So, uh, surprise, cha’boy’s trying to get married.”

“Congratulations! Wow, Taako! But, uh, what does that have to do with being here?”

“‘Cause it’s not that simple. Here’s the thing.” Taako explains to Joaquin while Angus and Ren explore the beach and Joaquin’s shithead brother tries to keep up with demand.

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go skip that rock!” Joaquin stands up too quickly and falls over the picnic bench. “Um. Oops.”

Taako laughs. “Let me guess. You need healing.”

Joaquin grins. “How’d you know?” Taako extends a hand that Joaquin takes.

Taako has an audience of three as he quickly skips a rock across the seas of the Plane of Thought.

“So this covers all of the oceans over here? Like, you only needed to go to one?” Taako hears Joaquin ask behind him.

“They’re connected, aren’t they? It counts,” Angus answers.

“Plus, we’re taking every loophole and advantage we can get,” Ren adds.

“No, that makes sense. But you came here?”

“Hell yeah I’m gonna come visit when I’m in town.” Taako tosses the words over his shoulder as he carefully and mostly discreetly uses Mage Hand to get the rock back.

“Is there any way I can help more? Or, um, actually help, since I don’t know how helpful tacos are.”

“Tacos are always helpful,” Taako says, spinning around. “Just look at me.” He gestures grandly. “Though, uh, unless you know where to find the bone of an animal that’s never been born or the cloak the seventh son of a seventh daughter wore on his wedding day, then that’d be a no, Joaquin.”

“Most people here don’t really wear cloaks at weddings. Or at all, really.”

“Makes no sense if you ask me,” Taako says, tossing his own cloak into the breeze. He then frantically claws it out of his face when the wind blows it back. “Okay, uh, point, point taken.”

“Has that Cloak of the Manta Ray _ever_ been useful?” Angus asks.

“Have you ever been useful?”

“This morning.”

Taako sputters. “Yeah, well, you’re- you’re _grounded_.”

“You can’t ground me on the moon.” Angus sticks his tongue out, but he looks almost upset. Hm. Taako jerks his head and walks a distance away. Ren doesn’t seem to mind, enjoying the sun even while hiding under her hat and sunglasses. Joaquin is looking back to South Beach Tacos, probably wondering if his shithead brother is going to blow the thing up, and not in a cool, world-saving way.

“Spill it, kid.”

“What?”

“I can still use all of my canny and all of my cunning and all of my remaining magical ability to tell me to make you tell me.”

“You can’t cast Zone of Truth.”

“And thank fuck for that.” Taako plops down on the beach and pats the sand next to him. Angus sits more slowly.

“I could have waited. I _should_ have waited.”

“For?” Taako prompts.

“Hodge Podge could have given an answer to at least _one_ of the questions.”

Taako hums. “Yeah. _Maybe_. And then you might not have sent his dumb robot head spinning so we could blow him up. And _then_ we might need a new book, and we don’t have time for that.”

“We might have done both. You could have two.”

“But we’ve got one. Plus, I’m getting two tomorrow. And Carey and Killian might find something tonight.”

Angus sighs. “It was taking Hodge Podge too long, too. You said every other answer was pretty much instantaneous, right, sir?”

“Yeah. It’s _supposed_ to be hard, Ango. That’s the point of handing someone an impossible quest.” Taako looks at Angus. “If it makes you feel any better, you can do all the research your little nerd heart desires to try to figure it out.”

“I think that makes us even. You still owe me the silverware though.”

* * *

As elated, as _relieved_ as Taako had been to have both the book and the crown done and ready to go, and another plane down for the stone, he drops onto his bed like a bag of potatoes. A beautiful bag of despondent potatoes.

Okay, maybe the simile needs work.

Taako pulls his Stone of Farspeech from his pocket and drops it on the blanket in front of him, staring at it. Whose great idea was it to stick the world’s most powerful communication device in a rock? And, okay, listen, sure, Taako had made the most powerful Transmutation artifact in the history of, mm, everything a rock, but these things are stupidly breakable, like that time Barry had…

Taako flicks a hand out and hits speed dial on a frequency. It rings. And rings. Taako’s ears start drooping and fall further with each successive ring until-

“Hey, bud!” Barry greets him, sounding happy, surprised, and… just a bit evasive?

“You avoiding paperwork?”

“H-huh? Oh, uh, yeah, def- definitely avoiding paperwork. Just avoiding paperwork.”

Taako snorts. “Barry. You are my brother but you can be, mm, incredibly stupid for the smartest necromancer in existence.”

“Thanks?”

“Lup used that excuse already. I’m not gonna snitch on your and Lulu’s lab experiments.” Something that should be obvious after decades of feigning ignorance whenever Davenport had asked what had happened in the Starblaster’s lab.

“Oh. Oh! Uh… yeah. You caught us. Ha, yup.”

“Yeah, cause you’re both _obvious_.”

“Um. Yeah. But what’s going on with you?”

Taako hums, turning over the question in his mind. “We-ell…”

“Still bad?” Of course Barry knows, just like Taako knows that Barry knows. Like Barry probably knows that Taako knows that Barry knows. But that’s getting excessive. Taako hums by way of response, and Barry continues. “Lup said you were doing research though?”

“Yeah, natch, but even Lucas’s evil robot son who knows everything couldn’t come up with anything on the bone or the cloak. At least not before we blew him up.”

“It’d be easier to get an answer out of a robot if you weren’t actively trying to blow him up.”

“Barry, you were there the first time, right? That quiz robot at Lucas’s lab?”

“Oh dunk, that one? Okay, blowing up the robot was justified.”

“Thank you!” Taako laughs before going quiet. Barry, being Barry, knows to wait. “When you knew… when you remembered… did you ever think you would fail?”

Barry seems to have been expecting a question at least near that subject, and he lets out a sigh with the weight of ten years to it. “Yes. _No_. I… I knew I had to keep going, no matter what. For Lup, for all of us. Taako, there were… Lucretia wasn’t, wasn’t that far off, sometimes, when she called the Red Robe dangerous. You saw that, too. There were times I came so, so close to just. Unspinning. Getting swept along into magic and anger and hopelessness… it was more times than I ever want to admit.

“But I knew I couldn’t. And that, and the bonds, Taako-”

“They anchored you.”

“They were home. They held me together. All of you. Do you remember, remember that day that we went fishing in Cycle 82?”

Taako barks out a laugh. “Yeah, we didn’t fuckin’ _catch_ anything, because there were no _fish_.”

“Yeah, and you pushed me in after I asked you what I was doing wrong for the fifth time.”

“Shouldn’ta asked me to go fishing on a plane with no fuckin’ fish.”

“Taako, I thought about that day so many times. That was an anchor.”

“Oh dunk.” Realistically, Taako had known that Barry had relied on his ties to the whole of his family to keep going. In practicality, he’d never thought pushing his brother-in-law into a lake would have any influence.

“I got through that, through all of it, because I had to. I gave up, a lot. But I couldn’t stop trying. You can give up now, a little, if you need to.”

“But I gotta keep trying?”

“No, you’re _going_ to keep trying. And no matter what happens, you’re going to get through it. You both are, together.”

“That’s some good advice.”

“Should be; my wisdom score’s probably maxed out after over a hundred years.”

“Didn’t you get your ass kicked by gerblins and then go for chicken wings?”

Barry lets out an embarrassed sounding laugh and changes the subject. “So tell me more about this robot you blew up anyway.”

* * *

It’s hard to sleep, with thoughts of his conversation with Barry and the image of Killian and Carey coming back disappointed and empty-handed bouncing around his head like oil left too long in a too hot pan. There’s worry, and there’s anxiety, and there’s planning, and then there’s even more worry and anxiety and planning. Shit, is this what Lucretia dealt with for a decade trying to track down the Relics? Taako huffs, half indignant at the thought, and the breath seems loud in the otherwise quiet room. Taako is not like Lucretia. She was probably cool with the constant stress, punishing herself for all of their shit in addition to her own.

Taako has got to get his head together. Unlike with everything else going absolutely batshit en media res, tomorrow’s the day that he’s been expecting that things will get buckwild. Like, listen, Taako absolutely trusts Davenport when he says that every denizen of the deep and their monster cousin in a hundred mile radius should be taking a nap. Taako trusts Davenport just generally. But the last time Taako went on a trip with Davenport, they got attacked by ghost pirates, and that was the easy part. And the time before that, well, everyone’s heard that story. Point is, Taako needs to be prepared for ghost pirates. Or a kraken. Or a ghost kraken.

Besides, thinking about tomorrow lets Taako ignore the echoing thought that with Taako leaving Neverwinter only hours before Kravitz and co. got back, they’ve just missed each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> It. Is. Done! Well, the chapter is at least. Like everyone else, I'm dealing with my own fair share of insanity. Please, stay safe everyone, stay sensible, and wash your hands. Now is the time to catch up on all those good good TAZ fics out there.
> 
> Kudos and comment to feed your local lich, and bookmark, subscribe, and head to my works page or [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for more content.


	9. The World's Worst Bachelor Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After starting their engagement with the worst possible present from the Raven Queen, it seems only fair that it’s followed by the world’s worst bachelor party. Just not fair to Taako, that is. What, you think I’m going to make any of this easy for him?
> 
> Kravitz says please. Taako collects some bees. It’s time for adventure on the high seas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I wanted to pop in with a quick warning. The violence in this chapter is on par with everything that's come before and does not go into great detail, but if you're particularly worried, you can skip the paragraph where Taako says "Works for me!" and then Magnus's statement where he says "What! Now hold on!"

“I thought you’d be sleeping,” is how Taako answers his Stone of Farspeech.

“I know.” Kravitz’s reply is punctuated with a yawn. “That’s why I called you.”

“Mmhmm. You know, you could have slept in.” Taako had sure wanted to.

“But then I wouldn’t be talking to you,” Kravitz whines, and Taako feels a grin cross his face.

“Yeah, you know, I guess that’s just the price you pay for the luxury that is Taako then.”

“Yes, well, when you’ve already-” Kravitz interrupts himself with another yawn. “Queen bless me, but it’s early. But you’ve already had to- no, don’t you start too.” But Kravitz is too late as Taako yawns as well. “You’ve already had to deal with… a roc… a Beholder… and a murder…” Another yawn. “-murder-robot. Just… try to avoid life and death situations. Please.”

“You do realize you just described our living situation, right? Or, cohabiting situation?”

“Taako!”

“Hey, you remember the last time we went on an adventure with Davenport?”

“Yes, and _please_ don’t make me save you from a kraken again.”

Taako scoffs. “Pretty sure I saved _you_ from a ghost pirate fleet _with_ a kraken, babe.”

“But who can really say? I think we’re so tired that we’ve both forgotten.”

“Nah, I remember-”

“Alas, alack, woe is me, for it is unknowable, lost to knowledge both mortal and divine, slipping like sand from sleepless minds,” Kravitz says, infusing his reply with theatrics on par with the Raven Queen herself.

Taako laughs. “Go back to sleep, bone daddy. I’m gonna go make that cohabiting situation a marital situation.”

* * *

It’s fitting that Taako spent the earliest part of his waking hours talking to a dead man, because heading into the hangar, it looks like a bunch of dead folks walking. The only one of the group who looks truly awake is Lucretia, though that might just be that it’s too early for her to go to bed. As it is, Taako is once again yawning as they soar above the world now stretching out before them, dark and still scarcely tinged with the gold of the sun’s earliest rays, even as they start their descent.

Taako’s never been a morning person.

“Are you ready? Are you pumped?” Unfortunately, given enough time to wake up, Carey Fangbattle is.

“Yeah! Let’s go! Best friend ocean adventure!” Even more unfortunately, so is Magnus Burnsides.

Taako rubs at his temples and is about to interject with a plea for quiet when a warm hand is placed on his shoulder. Killian is looking at him with a commiserating smile and a desire for coffee apparent on her face. “Hey, Magnus, I bet my wife is faster than you.”

“What!”

Carey is excited already. “Race you to the docks!”

And of course, Magnus is too. “You’re on!”

“Three, two, one, go!” And just like that, it gets considerably quieter as the two sprint off.

Taako breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank fuck. It’s too early for that shit.”

Killian laughs. “Fantasy Starbucks?”

“Fantasy Starbucks.” Taako nods, grateful for both intervention and the promise of caffeine, and they change course.

“Ahoy, Cap’n’port!” Magnus’s voice bounds through the harbor just as the fighter himself does. Taako strolls along with Killian and Merle at a much more leisurely pace, Fantasy Starbucks in hand, to where Carey and Magnus are waiting on the docks by the Wavehumper. “What took you three so long?”

“Shh, Mango. Quiet time. Pumpkin scone.” Taako tosses pastries to the two members of their party who definitely do not need caffeine as they start up the gangplank.

“Ahoy!” Davenport greets them as they board the ship. “Orla, you remember my crew?”

“Orla! Ahoy ahoy ahoy!” Magnus exclaims, extending a hand.

“Ahoy ahoy ahoy to you too, Magnus.” It looks like Orla may have rolled a little higher on that strength check than Magnus was expecting. “Taako, Merle.”

“Nice to see you again, Orla. No ghost pirates this time, right?” Taako asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You as well, Taako. No ghost pirates,” Orla confirms.

“I would have said if there were ghost pirates, Taako.” Davenport sounds indignant.

“You didn’t before, Cap’n’port!” Taako retorts.

“Anyway, this is Killian and Carey Fangbattle, from the Bureau of Benevolence,” Davenport says, turning away from Taako and blatantly changing the subject.

“Hi!” Carey waves. Magnus elbows her. “Oh, right! Ahoy!”

Killian is slightly more awestruck than Carey. “I like your cannon.” She looks over her shoulder at her crossbow as Carey and Orla laugh. “I think Billips needs an upgrade.”

“Attention, crew.” A long-ingrained habit snaps Taako’s spine just a smidgeon straighter. “Our mission today is to collect electrovolt bees in a jar-”

“Do we have a jar?”

“Of course I have a fuckin’ jar; I’m not an _amateur._”

“-to fulfill the bottled living lightning part of Taako’s quest,” Davenport continues, ignoring the interruption. “These electrovolt bees are found in one place: Bitten Bean Island of the Buffett Archipelago.” Magnus slowly starts to raise his hand. “It’s shaped like a bean with a bite taken out of it, Magnus.” Magnus lowers his hand. “At this hour, with these winds, and using a few spell slots, we can be there an hour or so before noon. We’ll anchor the ship in the bay-” Magnus starts to raise his hand again. Davenport sighs. “-which is the proverbial bite mark of Bitten Bean Island.” Magnus lowers his hand again. “There are several bee hives on the far side of the island. It’s a short hike over. No, Taako, the hike will not kill you.” Taako lowers his own hand. “It should be a straightforward trip.”

“Anyone else think he emphasized ‘should’ a little bit?” Magnus stage-whispers.

“Yeah, when has that ever happened for us?” Merle laughs.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun!” Carey exclaims, punching Magnus in the shoulder.

“Yeah, even with all the BoB work, it’ll be good to go out on an adventure and kick some ass.”

Davenport sighs. “I would like to reiterate, there should be no ass kicking.”

“Kick some ass! Kick some ass! Kick some ass!” Killian, Carey, and Magnus all start a chant.

“_Or_ we could just end it early with a huge and fiery explosion.”

“No, Taako, we shouldn’t need a huge and fiery explosion either. Any more questions? Nope, none, okay, let’s go.” Davenport turns, marching off to the helm before half a dozen hands (Magnus was about to raise both) can be raised.

And they’re off.

* * *

Bitten Bean Island doesn’t look haunted. It doesn’t look like the sort of place an aboleth has made its lair (though Taako might still make Magnus drink out of the first stream they find to check) or where all the storm giants go to chill out. It doesn’t even look like it’s in use as a safe haven for half the pirates sailing the Sword Coast.

No, for the most part, Bitten Bean Island looks pretty much like your standard deserted island getaway: all beaches and trees and one tall peak, no people or ports or paths of any kind. Speaking of which…

“Hey, Merle, any chance you studied up on Find the Path while you were studying your cantrips?” Taako asks, eyeing the seemingly impenetrable tree line.

Merle looks up at him, squinting. “Is that a spell?”

“So that’d be a no then.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not just here for the cannon and my stunning good looks,” Orla says dryly, while Killian and Carey, who seem to have started an Orla fan club in between fantasy Titanic poses at the bow of the ship with the rest of them, clap. “We’re headed this way. Cut through the rainforest toward the beach. It clears out a bit, and then the hives are all in trees on a bluff near the volcano. So-”

“Hold up,” Taako says, making a time out gesture. “You were saying something about a volcano?”

“Gee, Dav, you didn’t say there was a _volcano_.” Merle nudges the gnome.

“Oh, so the big mountain over there’s a volcano?” Killian asks.

“Not an _active_ volcano,” Davenport counters.

“Like that makes it better.” Taako throws his hands up. “It’s still a fuckin’ volcano!”

“Yes, but-”

“I dunno, Cap’n’port, volcanoes aren’t very bean-like or bean-shaped,” Magnus says.

“Maybe for shape, but beans’ll get you some volcanic results in your digestive system.”

“Gross, Merle.”

“Super gross.”

“All I’m saying is-”

“It should be fine-”

“Merle, what the-”

“Okay, but if we don’t-”

“It’s not like-”

“It’s not active-”

“Okay!” Taako shouts, interrupting and drawing everyone’s attention back to the matter at hand. “Now, uh, Chekhov’s volcano notwithstanding, until that thing erupts, we’re here to march through the jungle-”

“Rainforest,” Davenport corrects.

“March through the rainforest, grab some bees, and march back. And if _any of you-_”

“Why are you looking at me?”

“My sister isn’t here, so you’re most likely to set off a volcano,” Taako answers, pointing accusatorily.

“What!” Magnus jumps and starts whining, “How? I don’t even have _magic_-”

“Point is, if _any of you_ set off that volcano, I will use all of my canny and all of my cunning to make you rue this day and every single dumb thing you did that led up to it until my fiancé comes to dump your ass into the eternal soul soup. Any questions?”

It’s silent. Merle slowly raises his hand.

“_What_, Merle?”

“Are there beans in the eternal soul soup?”

“And we’re fuckin’ going now! Orla, lead the way!”

Taako is unlikely to ever admit this to Davenport, but, really, the hike isn’t actually that bad. Don’t get him wrong, the fact that it’s basically all uphill sucks, but there’s like three people here who’ll give him a piggyback ride if he whines hard enough. All the foliage is up in the canopy, leaving the ground mostly clear, and it seems to be monster-free besides. There’s no oversized tracks or suspiciously broken trees, and when they come across the first stream, Magnus doesn’t come out spitting out nasty supernaturally fouled water. It’s also chill as fuck talking wedding planning with Killian and Carey, given that they’ve done that still pretty recently.

Eventually, there’s a light at the end of the rainforest tunnel in the form of the canopy thinning. Which would be great, but that’s also up a hill. Bemoaning the labor all the while, Taako contemplates burning a spell slot on the way back to catch a ride.

As promised, they come out onto a clearing that runs out straight to the edge of a bluff. And Taako can admit: it’s damn near picturesque. The view from the cliff is the sort that’d make even Magnus feel small, with ocean stretching well past the horizon line, broken only by a few distant dots that are the other islands of the archipelago. The soothing sound of waves crashing into the base of the cliff is accompanied by the thunderous hum of buzzing bees, far louder than your standard bumblebee and punctuated by faint crackling sounds of sparks flying. A salty breeze blows in off the water, sending the bright green grass softly fluttering and stirring the thick canopy of the rainforest. The volcano is close, closer than Taako would have expected and closer still than he would like, as grass gradually gives way to bare rock that climbs up, up, up.

It is worth noting there’s no stench of brimstone or plume of smoke from the volcano, but Taako’s not a _nerd_; he didn’t study volcanoes on top of everything else.

“So what’s the plan on grabbing these bees anyway?” Killian asks while Carey and Magnus immediately start a rematch race to the edge of the cliff.

“We figured they could go for a little bee nap,” Taako says as he pulls the large jar from his bag. “Captain?” Carey comes to a neat stop at the edge of the cliff, while Magnus misjudges the distance, falling half over the side.

“That should-” Davenport cuts himself off, holding up a hand, slowly looking around the clearing, ears twitching. At once wary, Taako begins listening as well. Under the sounds of Carey and Orla pulling Magnus back over the edge of the cliff, scarcely louder than the sounds of rainforest life and the rumbling hum of the bees, there’s the rustling of a group making its way through the trees.

Son of a bitch.

Killian spins, drawing her crossbow and pointing it at a spot across the clearing. Davenport waves, quickly summoning the other three back over as five figures emerge from the trees.

“Wait, what!” Magnus points at them. “Who are you and what are you doing here?”

A half-Drow woman points right back at them. “We ask the questions around here! So who are _you_ and what are _you_ doing here?”

“_We’ve_ got more people to introduce, so _you_ should go first!” Merle joins in on the pointing.

“Yeah, well, _we_ showed up second, so _you_ should go first!” A tiefling joins the half-Drow woman in pointing.

“It’s not our fault that you came stomping through the woods so anybody could hear you!” And now Carey is pointing. Taako needs to come up with a way to defuse the situation and fast.

“Dammit, Kevin, I knew we should have cast Pass Without Trace!”

The Tabaxi swells up, wheeling on the halfling who’d just yelled. “Oh, so now it’s my fault that there are other people on the _deserted island_!”

“Well-”

“Hey, dinguses, trying to open a dialogue over here!” Taako yells. The group looks back over. “Thank you!” Taako clears his throat. “Hey, so, uh, Taako from TV over here, savior of the 0universe, maybe you’ve heard of me?” No response. “That was a joke; literally everyone heard the story so I know you know.”

“We’re here too!” Merle yells.

“Yeah, uh, hey, why don’t you come a little closer, we’ll come a little closer so there’s less shouting, hm? Hm?” The group on the other side of the clearing looks among themselves and starts whispering. Taako turns to Davenport and gestures, offering the lead. “Captains first?”

Davenport’s face reads nothing but exasperation at that, but he steps forward, so Taako is inclined to call it fond exasperation as he follows after, along with the others, now about fifteen feet away.

“Right, so, uh, quick introductions, I’m Taako, best transmutation wizard ever, and there’s Captain Davenport, Magnus Burnsides, Merle Highchurch-”

“Earl!”

“Fine, Earl Merle Highchurch. Also, uh, Killian and Carey Fangbattle, you probably know their work cleaning up after us saving the world, and, uh, you _probably_ don’t know Orla, but she’s here too!”

“And what are you doing here?” The half-Drow woman asks, eyebrows raised.

“Hey, they didn’t introduce themselves!” Magnus hisses.

“That is so rude!” Merle agrees.

Carey snorts. “You three almost never introduce yourselves.”

“We do so! We introduced ourselves to Killian!”

“Yeah, but, uh, your timing was bad, ‘cause we were fighting Magic Brian.”

“But we did!”

“Ahem!” Taako says. “We… are here… oh thank fuck,” Taako sighs in relief as Davenport raises a hand, stepping forward. Let’s get someone with a positive charisma modifier talking.

“We are collecting electrovolt bees for a classified project.”

Kevin the Tabaxi brightens up. “Oh, we’re here for those, too! But, uh, are there going to be enough for the both of us?”

“Um, yes?” Davenport is looking at them strangely. “As the bees are endangered, we’ll be taking less than the maximum allowable and returning them. We also have permission,” Davenport says as he rustles around in his pocket, pulling out a scroll. It unfurls to reveal lines upon lines of flowery writing, ending with the decidedly less flowery signature and seal of Lord Artemis Sterling. And below that still, Davenport has appended a note in his own precise handwriting: “I can do what I want. -Captain D. Davenport.”

“Right!” Taako says, as though it weren’t entirely surprising that Davenport pulled a permission slip out of nowhere. “So for fuckin’ once we aren’t doing anything illegal! We’ve got our permission, you’ve got yours…” The shady group of characters is looking shadier with each word, and those words quickly trail off as realization and resignation set in. No one says anything; no one makes a move. For a long moment, the only sounds are the ocean waves falling on the rocks below and the quiet hum of some very endangered bees.

If this fight ends with the volcano erupting, Taako’s gonna take a nap for a week as soon as this quest is over.

“Um… sneak attack!” The tiefling rogue flies forward, rapier moving even faster to strike at Davenport. While their very much not a sneak attack hits, driving Davenport into a stumbling step back, they’re the one who is surprised when the blue streak that is Carey Fangbattle rushes between Taako and Davenport to counter with her own rapier.

This is gonna get very messy, very quickly. And Taako has got his own priorities. Which means Taako is good out here and just plain out. Taako turns and sprints, loosening the lid off the jar and casting Sleep as he goes. Taako skids to a halt near the hive, jar held out to catch the two dozen bees that fall, drifting sleepily downward into the jar. He barely has time to reclose the thing before an arrow grazes his side, sinking into the tree trunk with a solid _thunk_. Taako turns in time to see as Kevin the ranger looses another arrow at Carey, still thoroughly engaged in combat with the opposing group’s rogue. Somewhere in the distance, there is a much, much louder _THUNK._

But Taako doesn’t have time to worry about that as a large, luminous Della Reese flares into existence, only to immediately clobber the halfling running into the fray. Yelling all the while, the halfling brings a greataxe down on Carey before doing the same to Merle, likely unhappy about getting touched by an angel.

He’s probably equally unhappy about Magnus bringing Railsplitter down on him, for that matter. “Hey, real good idea picking a fight with the saviors of the universe, not like we kicked the embodiment of apathy’s ass or anything,” Magnus goads as he prepares to bring Railsplitter down a second time.

“Yeah, well, maybe you should- you should- kick rocks!” The halfling yells, immediately hopping mad at the jibe. Literally, hopping with anger, bouncing around.

“I’ll kick rocks but I’ll kick your ass first!” The second hit sends the halfling staggering, and Magnus turns, wheeling on the rogue. “And you!” The rogue attempts to twist out of the way to no avail. “That’s my captain you’re fucking with!” Magnus points to Davenport. Or, more accurately, where Davenport was.

“Cycle 36! Keep it non-lethal, Magnus!” Davenport shouts, appearing next to Taako at once. Taako doesn’t jump, because, uh, listen, it’s hard to be surprised by your family after decades’ worth of Magnus’s training. He does, however, take a close look, what with the whole captain getting stabbed thing. Davenport looks like he’s having the time of his life, and Taako has to bite back a laugh. That makes one of them.

“Sorry, Cap’n’nport!”

“Right. Priority management. Are you going to need more bees?” Davenport asks Taako briskly.

Taako looks down at the bees snoozing peacefully at the bottom of the jar. It doesn’t exactly look like a lot of bees, nor do the tiny sleepy sparkles look a whole lot like living lightning. Taako considers, ignoring the sounds of fighting behind him. “Hm, uh, maybe? Listen, you heard the whole spiel; it wasn’t that specific.”

“We don’t want to have to come back,” Davenport says with a decisive nod. “More it is! Taako, jar!” Davenport forges ahead, and Taako barely has time to unscrew the lid of the jar again before Davenport’s finished casting the Sleep spell. “Orla! We’re good and under the limit!”

“Great!” Orla shouts. “Makes my life easier!” She holds up her hand, and a trident lodged in the ground near the halfling retracts, flying backward into its wielder’s hands.

“Oh! Same hat!” Magnus yells, spinning around and pointing to show Orla the Chance Lance strapped to his back. “Mine does the same returning thing!”

“Yes, and it’s very cool, Magnus,” Orla replies even as she runs over, taking a little more of a direct approach as she smacks the tiefling rogue with the weapon.

“We’ll see how cool you think it is when it’s turned on you!” The Half-Drow woman yells, drawing out a long bow. And maybe Taako’s magic eyes are deceiving him, but it’s a long bow that seems to have a few extra strings. Both existence and purpose are verified at once as the bard skillfully plucks a few chords, the harp’s notes haunting and clear, pervading the clearing and audible even over the din of fighting and- what the fuck was _that_?

The piercing screech has the ranger jumping too, but the bard keeps playing, intently staring at their resident ruff boi. Fuck, if this is a wisdom save… Taako turns his own attention to the fighter.

Unfortunately, Taako immediately recognizes the spell, having used it to dramatic effect in a certain battlewagon race. But this time, it’s Magnus’s coronation with Crown of Madness as a twisted iron crown flickers into place.

“Uh, guys? I kinda wanna attack you guys? Um, a little help over here?” Magnus calls as, even from here, Taako can see Magnus’s eyes start to glow gold.

Fingers still strumming her bow harp, the Half-Drow bard nearly purrs as she says, “Oh, this is going to be _fun_.”

Taako turns to Davenport. “Wisdom has never been his strong suit. Tell you what, I’ll Magic Missile his ass and you chuck him into another plane until the spell times out!” Taako finishes, clapping his hands together.

“Hold on, Taako.” Davenport’s gaze is still locked on Magnus, brow furrowed. Taako doesn’t know why; it’s not the first time they’ve had to deal with Magnus failing a wisdom save. “Just watch.”

“No, but- I can’t- I can’t hurt my friends!” The glowing gold in Magnus’s eyes dies. The iron crown dissipates into smoke. Ah. Taako had forgotten one critical piece of information: Magnus is an absolute sap. The bard lets out a shriek and immediately uses her bow for the original purpose, loosing one directly at Magnus.

Hm. Taako might not want to get in the mix in the middle, but he can deffo do something about the three still over there. He can even do something without the whole unnecessary murder thing. “Hey, I caught it!” Taako hears Magnus yell even as he starts preparing his own spell. “Taako, did you see that? I caught it!”

“Yeah, cool, Mags!”

“But did you see it?” Magnus whines. Another critical piece of information Taako had forgotten: Magnus is basically a giant golden retriever puppy of a human.

“Little preoccupied with not getting shot while doing the whole magic thing!” As if on cue, the stinging in his side flares sharply, reminding Taako that he’s already failed on that point. Lup is going to kill him if he dies during this shit. After she finishes laughing at him, but still.

“Aw! I’ll come over there then!” Magnus yells back conversationally, completely ignoring the fact that he’s currently engaged in conflict.

“Uh, I’ve got it! And you’re welcome!” Killian yells back at them, firing three crossbow bolts in quick succession.

“Thanks, Killian!” Taako and Magnus yell in unison.

“You’re welcome!” Killian responds as she shoots a fourth crossbow bolt, narrowly missing the dwarf fighter as they sprint towards the brawl.

The opposing fighter seems to have gone to the same school of fighting as Magnus, rushing straight into the fray. Or, at least, straight into Della Reese. Despite the fact that, y’know, they’re in active combat with these folks who are now _really_ putting a damper on Taako’s day, Taako has to wince at that one.

“Ooh,” Merle hisses in sympathy. “Uh, my bad?”

“Yeah, it is your bad!” They shout, but they seem to be seeing double after that hit, as their warhammer comes down next to Merle, rather than on the other dwarf.

“You sure you’re okay there, buddy?”

“I’m- fine!”

“Hey, ow!” Merle steps back in indignation as the warhammer barely glances off of him. Eh, Merle’s probably fine, or at least fine enough to argue with the other dwarf. Taako has magic to do, and- Taako’s head snaps to look toward the forest where the other group had come from, because apparently if a tree -or something else wooden and heavy- snaps and falls in the woods, that shit not only makes a sound, it’s loud as fuck.

“Magnus, look out!” Carey yells, and, yeah, weird sounds or no, that’s going to have to simmer on the backburner while Taako deals with the double boiler clusterfuck right in front of him. He turns back to see Magnus successfully dodge the tiefling rogue’s attack even as Carey lands a hit on them that he’s pretty sure would drop the ol’ Taako HP to zero in one shot.

He’s starting to understand why their resident ruff boi multiclassed into rogue. But that doesn’t mean that Taako doesn’t have a few tricks up his sleeve of his own.

“WHOA!” Killian yells, jumping backward as a tidal wave begins to rise from nothing directly in front of her, roiling and turbulent and rising up, up, up. Taako smirks, and the wave surges forward, spray flying off in its wake. Surf’s up, dipshits.

“Oh, fu-” The bard doesn’t have time for that particular free action as the wave lands, crashing full force into both her and the ranger. The wave rolls onward, implacable, crashing into the far trees before dissipating once more into nothing. The only remaining evidence is one bard knocked prone and coughing and one ranger with his tail lashing, both still thoroughly, thoroughly soaked.

“I! Do! Not! Like! _Water_!” Kevin the Tabaxi nearly yowls, nocked arrow already flying straight at Taako before even the end of the sentence. Well, flying at Taako up until Killian snags it out of the air. You know, listen, it’s times like these that Taako is especially glad that he saved Killian’s life by burning her free of Magic Brian’s webs off the wall of Wave Echo Cave. And also by Magic Missile-ing the shit out of Magic Brian. Huh. Guess Taako had saved his own butt there too. Good job, past Taako.

“Oh, shit, nice catch, Killz!” Carey yells appreciatively to her wife even as she’s engaged in combat on her own. Killian glances back at Taako and Davenport, grinning, before snapping the arrow in half with one hand.

“Hey! Some of us have to keep track of our ammunition!” Kevin yells, and while Killian might have saved Taako’s ass, that doesn’t do a whole lot for the two arrows that hit her. Ooh. Past Taako wasn’t really a whole lot of help on that one.

“Nobody likes clerics, huh? Well check this shit out!” Merle, seemingly having been arguing with the dwarf fighter the whole time the rest of them were busy doing cool shit, reaches out and sticks a hand in their face. “Reverse healing!” A flood of necromantic energy that Barold would be proud of pours out of Merle's hand, leaving the other dwarf wheezing.

“Merle, what the fuck?” Taako yells as Della Reese smacks the Halfling for the second time. “Captain said non-lethal!”

“Yeah, and they barely hit you!” Magnus adds.

“Oh now everyone’s a critic!”

“Stop! Talking!” The Halfling shouts, face practically glowing with rage.

Wait, no. That’s just actual barbarian rage.

“I’ll be the one kicking your ass!” The barbarian brings his greataxe down on Magnus, sending the ruff boi staggering. He then thrusts out a hand, and a wave of energy courses out, sending Magnus stumbling back but leaving him still standing. The barbarian lets out a growl that blurs into actual thunder as lightning arcs out, scorching Magnus.

Taako’s ears flick during the thunder, and he cocks his head, eyes narrowed. Had there been another sound, hiding under the thunder there?

“And you! You hit Roan! You and your stupid giant angel!” The barbarian spins, bringing his greataxe down on Merle now.

“Hey, Orla is here, too! You can hit her, too!” Merle complains.

“Yes, but I haven’t been actively trying to murder people. Aren’t you a cleric?”

“Gee, is that what I am? I thought I was a bard!”

“I will strike all of you down! I have the power of the storm behind me! All of you will cower before me!”

“Oh, uh, okay then. Let me get into character. Oh, no, scary magic barbarian!” Magnus fake cowers behind Railsplitter

“Yeah, and you better-”

“My dude, I have seen _so much_ magic! Magnus attack!” And it’s Magnus, so he hits. But it’s a barbarian, so it doesn’t do shit.

“You dare! I am Stormbright, herald of the storm, and I-” But whatever Stormbright, herald of the storm, is about to proclaim is cut off as he lets out a chuckle. He looks momentarily confused, before chuckling again. The laughter builds, and the barbarian drops his weapon before dropping himself, rolling on the ground laughing uncontrollably.

Without a word, Taako turns to Davenport. His captain looks to him as well, intently concentrating. “I did say non-lethal.”

“Yeah, non-lethal, _Merle_!” Orla shouts as she launches herself at the fighter, trying to grapple them.

“Hey, I didn’t kill them!” Merle objects as the two struggle. Roan throws Orla off with a shout. “Yeah, definitely didn’t kill them!”

“What even _was_ that anyway?” Orla asks, rasping, as she stands back up, her fallen trident shooting back into her open hand. “What kind of cleric casts _that_?”

“Inflict Wounds is a cleric spell, you know! It’s a cleric thing!” Merle huffs, indignant.

“So is healing!” Taako yells. “See Merle? That’s how you heal people!” Taako points as the bard’s Mass Cure Wounds spell flows over the whole of her party.

“Bite me!”

“Thanks, Narcelia!” The rogue shouts to the bard as they dip under Magnus’s arm and around the still uproariously laughing Stormbright.

“See, Taako? That’s how you thank people for healing you!” Merle retorts, but Taako is already not paying attention, eyes focused on a cloud of birds rising from the trees, much closer than any of the previous sounds had seemed.

“Try not to die, Mischief!” Narcelia shoots back to the rogue even as her fingers still pluck at the strings of her harp.

“I will!”

“It’s your fault we’re in this fight, Mischief!” Her tone indicates that this is not an uncommon occurrence.

“I’ll remember that, Narcelia!” Their tone indicates that this conversation is not an uncommon occurrence either.

“Hey, Taako, you good?” Taako looks back to Killian just as she takes aim with Billips once more.

“Killian, I said-” A net launches out, flying across the clearing toward Kevin. “Never mind!” Davenport calls.

“I know what I’m doing, Cap- dammit!” Killian shouts when Kevin handily slices the net open as it reaches him. “Some of us have to keep track of our nets, you know!”

“Now you know how it feels!” Kevin points back at Killian. Great, more pointing.

“Hey, what!” Taako looks back to the other half of the fight as Magnus shouts, seeing as Roan skirts around both Magnus and an unmoving Della Reese to get to Stormbright the barbarian, still cackling madly on the ground under the effect of Davenport’s spell, lightning sparkling around him.

“Snap out of it!” They smack him clean across the face. Taako glances at Davenport. His tail lashes once, but his own concentration on the spell holds.

“That h- h- hur- hurt- ha- ha ha!”

“Too bad!” Another smack, another wince from Davenport, another bout of giggles. You know, Taako might offer to help, but Davenport still seems to be having fun with this shit.

“Come on, snap out of it! I know wisdom isn’t your strong suit, but get your shit together!” They slap him across the face for a third time, and this time, the sound of the slap fades into quiet.

“Boo yah!” Magnus yells, punching his fist in the air. “Oh, uh, wait, other team. Er. Carry on?” In Magnus’s defense, Taako is pretty sure that all of them have tried to slap Magnus out of a failed wisdom save or two at least once.

“T-thanks, Roan,” Stormbright says breathlessly as they help him stand up. “That really-”

A monstrous, ear-splitting shriek cracks the air around them, before it’s followed by another, and another, swelling into a cacophony of overlapping screeches that flows out from the trees in a wall of sound, flooding the bluff just as surely as Taako’s tidal wave had.

Everyone in the clearing whips around, combat and weapons for the moment forgotten as they stare into the woods, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

“Uh, distraction!” Behind Taako, Mischief’s shout is followed in short order by a surprised yelp from Magnus and a thud before the rogue sprints over to Kevin and Narcelia.

Why do things always have to get _interesting_? Taako holds his breath and stills, waiting.

Under the crying, shrieking, and screeching, Kevin lets out a gasp and has nocked and shot an arrow before the sound has faded from the clearing. Of course, that, and the other cries, are immediately overshadowed by a ringing shriek of pain, and as trees shudder and shake and branches crack and break, Taako gets his first look at what has superseded the group of ruffians as the most annoying thing of the day.

A snarling reptilian head comes into view, hissing, spitting, and seething, fangs like knives visible even from here.

Okay. Okay, this is-

Another head appears. Then another. And another. Taako’s eyes go wide.

Well. Fuck.

The hydra emerges from the trees, heads jerking around rapidly, yellow eyes quickly locking onto each and every person. In unison, the hydra’s heads let out a powerful, painfully loud scream, letting its noxious breath pervade the clearing.

“No one make any sudden movements!” Merle yells.

Like that would make a difference. With snapping jaws and slithering hisses, the hydra is a shimmer of green scales in the toxic fog as it charges forward.

A head with an arrow sticking out, dripping bright green blood, veers out to bite Kevin as the hydra passes while another attacks Narcelia. The heads toss both of them to the side, the ranger falling to the ground and rolling nearly to Killian’s feet.

“Wait, hold the fucking stone- why are there eight heads on that hydra?” Taako yells as the hydra approaches the group of fighters in the middle of the clearing. Della Reese attacks at once, striking the head with the arrow sticking out of it. “There’s supposed to be _five_!” The head falls, the neck limp, and Della Reese nopes the fuck out of existence.

“We- we took off- we took off- three,” Kevin wheezes, hand on his chest.

“What the fuck do you mean, you took off three?”

“Ugh. Stormbright ‘n Mischief did. Bad idea.”

“Yeah, no shit!” Taako continues yelling as the six remaining heads go on the attack, three clearly going after the familiar faces with a vengeance, snapping down on Stormbright’s shoulder and Mischief’s leg. The third runs face first into Roan’s warhammer and bounces off. The other three heads, however, don’t give a damn about what’s familiar and what’s not too familiar. Two collide with Magnus’s shield BANG! BANG! in quick succession as the fighter shields both himself and Carey. Merle is saved, not by Magnus, but surprisingly by Mischief, who manages to yank him to the side.

“Kevin, I thought you said it wouldn’t wake up for three more days!” Stormbright shouts as the hydra pauses, the heads retreating protectively over the dead one.

“Kevin’s a little busy right now, so you want to explain what the fuck you mean by that?” Taako yells while Killian, being objectively a better person than Taako, aside from the whole baller wizard thing, helps the Tabaxi ranger up.

“Kevin and Narcelia knocked out the hydra back in the swamp! How else were we going to get it on the ship?” Stormbright says it as though it should be obvious.

“Wait, what? You put the hydra _on your ship_?” Orla barks the question before Taako can ask it. “Why the fuck would you do that?”

“Come on, do you know how much you can get for these things? Like 5… 10… a lot of gold!” Stormbright calls back. “They’re rare or some shit!”

“The bees, the hydra- you’re fucking poachers!” Orla bellows. “Hydras aren’t just rare! They’re endangered!”

“Uh, pretty sure we’re the ones in danger!” Magnus retorts. Even as he speaks, the hydra’s heads move out of their defensive position, revealing two new living heads with far too many teeth. You know, Taako’s been thinking it a _lot_ this week, but he _really_ can’t catch a break, can he? “No one chop off any more heads!”

“What do you care?” Narcelia yells breathlessly, holding her side.

“I work for Fantasy Fish, Wildlife, and Wilder Life!” Orla announces, livid.

Taako looks at Davenport, one eyebrow arched in incredulity. “She works for FFWWL and you hired her as a _mercenary_?”

Davenport shrugs. “She can multitask.”

“We can’t kill it!” Orla yells. “We have to capture it!”

“Oh, easy for you to say! It didn’t try to take a bite out of you!” Merle retorts. “Oh, uh, thanks, by the way,” he directs to Mischief.

“Don’t mention it!”

Okay, fine. They can’t kill it. At least not without pissing Orla off even more. Taako sucks on his teeth, considering. “Does it need all of its heads though? It’s gonna be a lot fuckin’ easier to capture without nine heads to worry about!”

“Uh, no? I mean, that many puts undue stress on the hearts- why? No, wait- Look, just don’t kill it!”

“Works for me!” And with that, Taako lifts the Krebstar, and four fiery rays explode outward, arcing like comets straight into the two newest hydra heads. A Scorching Ray explodes in one’s face with a shower of sparks, while the other is cut off mid-scream with the flash of fire in its open mouth even as another beam squarely hits the base of its neck. The hydra momentarily rears up, eight heads screeching in fear now, as the last head drops to the ground with a sickening _thud_, and it’s almost a flawless victory for Taako.

Except for that last one.

Because the fourth ray goes low and wide and straight through the other group.

“Hey!”

“Argh!”

“Watch it!”

The sizzling ball of fire blisters past Carey, Orla, and Mischief before it continues on as the wind catches it, rising up, up, up.

Taako holds his breath as the last of his Scorching Rays collides with the side of the volcano, the loud BOOM! of impact reverberating through the air and ringing in Taako’s ears. Fuck, if Taako _himself_ is the one to set off the volcano…

The volcano doesn’t explode. Yet.

Thank fuck.

“Uh, my bad! That one’s on me!” Taako calls, perhaps just a little bit sheepish. “Hey, listen, at least we only have eight heads to deal with now, you’re welcome!” He shouts louder as there are noises of complaint from Carey, Orla, and Mischief.

“Right! Everyone else, no more fire!” Davenport yells. He doesn’t exactly sound disappointed. “Pin it and knock it out, one by one!” Yeah, Cap’n’port’s enjoying the new challenge.

“Yeah, yeah, in a minute!” Merle calls. “Can’t ya see I’m healing here, Dav?” Sure enough, Taako feels radiant magic sweep over him as the stinging in his side fades, and from the surprised look on Mischief’s face, they’re also on the list. Behind them both, Stormbright runs and practically throws himself into the scorched face of the first hydra head that Taako had hit. “What?” Merle asks, seeing the look of confusion on their face. “You helped me out, and you needed it, didn’t you?”

“I mean yes, but- shit!” The ground shakes as the Halfling barbarian manages to knock the whole entire Hydra onto its side. “Stormbright, enough! You’re the reason it had eight heads in the first place!”

“Yeah, Magnus, no chopping heads off!” Taako yells. “Hydra necks aren’t trees either!”

“What! Now hold on! Taako! You just took a head all the way off! Like, it’s on the _ground_ and not even_ on_ the hydra anymore!”

“Yeah, but fire stops regeneration! So don’t chop any more off!”

“Yeah, Taako, I know!”

“Friendly fucking reminder!”

“I know! I know! I’m not gonna chop any heads off! I’m gonna do something smart!” Magnus sheathes Railsplitter and begins to slowly approach the hydra, hands held up nonthreateningly.

No. There’s no fuckin’ way he- Except it’s Magnus, and he _deffo_ would. “Magnus, are you-”

“Not. So. Loud.” Magnus whisper yells. “Easy, boy, easy. Or girl?” Magnus keeps getting closer. “Uh, easy, easy, nice giant monster hydra… nice hydra. There we go… No need for fighting. We can all be chill… Nice- WHOA!” Magnus yells the last word as one head whips out and grabs onto the ruff boi, lifting him and shaking him around a few times. The Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom drops, bouncing off one of the hydra’s toes. Another head shrieks, and the hydra fastball specials Magnus toward the forest. Magnus slams straight into a tree, the loud CRACK of the tree seeming almost to echo.

“Still trying to handle every animal he meets, I see.” Davenport shakes his head.

“Monsters too,” Taako says with a shrug. “Uh, yeah, think _that’s_ gonna be a little more effective.” Taako whistles appreciatively as the ground near the hydra erupts, and a large earthen hand grabs a low head, dragging it down and pinning it.

“Yes! Thank you, Captain! Like that! No killing the endangered monster and no more explosions that could kill us!” Orla shouts as she uses her trident as a staff to push back a few heads that were getting too close. “No- not that, don’t try to charm it if you can’t- see what I mean? No, now- yes, that’s- that’s also good! Yes, do that one!” Orla shouts as a net flies from one direction and Roan flies from another, both pinning two separate heads down. Beyond that, Mischief throws a rope to Carey, and the two rogues deftly pin a third. Huh. They might actually have this, you know, without unintentionally killing the thing.

Or not. The head that Carey and Mischief have pinned jerks wildly, snapping free of the rope even as another head tosses Roan off straight into the teeth of a second. Orla, still barking off directions, manages to avoid the bite of one head but not the second.

On second, or rather third, thought, maybe they do have this though. Because Taako has an_ idea_. One that might even make up for the whole friendly fire thing a minute ago.

A grin spreading across his face, Taako gleefully starts, “Seems like…”

“Don’t do it,” Davenport, still intently concentrating on his spell as the imprisoned head shrieks and writhes against the earthen grip, warns. “Don’t say it.”

“But it’s_ fun_,” Taako complains. “Captaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain.”

“Taako-” Better to ask forgiveness than permission.

“Seems like we’re in kind of a sticky situation!” Taako shouts joyfully as he raises a hand, watching as webbing appears from nowhere, thin strands quickly growing into stronger ropes, tangling around the whole of the hydra, nearly immobilizing it. Yeah, Taako just solved this whole fucking thing. Cool.

“Wow! Cool!” Merle, obscured somewhere in the mess of the fight, yells. There’s a pause. “Shit! What do I do then? Oh, uh, Aid! First Aid!”

“Merle, what the fuck, do you not see the fuckton of webbing? This fight is basically over!” Taako yells as Stormbright leaps through the air, launching himself fist first at the only free Hydra head.

“Oh, first I’m not doing _enough_ cleric shit, and now I’m doing too much! Make up your mind why don’t ya!”

Whatever brilliantly witty reply Taako was going to retort with is swallowed by the deafening thunder of rocks and boulders shifting, colliding, and crashing into each other. And it’s coming directly from the volcano.

_Fuck me._ If Taako himself really caused the volcano to blow with that blast earlier…

**BOOM!!!** The side of the volcano seems to blow outward, rocks and boulders and debris and dust flying into the air, the force of the explosion hitting like Thunderwave. Yep. Taako definitely blew the volcano.

But under the clamor of the landslide is something else. Something vaguely like the scrabbling of limbs, the slither of scales over stone, and a hum not entirely unlike the hum of the electrovolt bees turned up to twelve. The air starts to smell of ozone, the taste of it sharp on the tongue, and Taako feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Before Taako can react, before any of them can, there’s a monstrous roar, older and stronger than the hydra’s shrieks, emanating from the hole blown into the side of the volcano. Oh. Uh oh. Taako feels a growing sinking sensation in his stomach, as though he’d fallen from the nearby cliff into the ocean.

“You should not BE HERE!” A hissing, sparking, ancient and awful voice bellows. And a behir steps out of the cloud of dust.

Taako barely has the time think, “Shit just got complicated,” before the behir is moving again, lightning fast, now looming over the group nearest.

“You are disturbing THIS ISLAND!” As it finishes the last words in an unearthly, nightmarish scream, the behir opens its gaping maw, revealing long, curved teeth, stained by the blood of centuries, backlit by sparks rising from the back of its throat, glowing, rising, growing.

“_Get down!_” Davenport’s command is lost in the furious roar from the behir as it breathes out a lightning storm, head sharply carving an arc that rains bolts over anything and everything in range. There are shouts from the people and agonizing shrieks from the hydra as grass ignites and soil explodes skywards, blasting further out with a thunderous shockwave to Taako and past him. For a few long moments, Taako can’t see _shit_, attempting to squint with eyes now watering with the pungent smell of electricity, through smoke and debris and flashes of flame.

As smoke clears and chunks of flaming grass fall around him, Taako sees an enormous figure shift and rise in the chaos. With a wild, frantic cry, the hydra turns, sprinting. The others shout out too, but Taako barely hears that over the hummingbird heartbeat in his ears as he dives to the side, getting the fuck out of the way of the rampaging hydra.

As he crashes into the scorched ground below, Taako becomes acutely aware that his hands are empty. He twists, immediately scanning for the sparkle of broken glass on lightning-scarred earth and a rising cloud of angry electrovolt bees. Instead, Taako sees the glint of sunlight on intact glass as the jar bounces against the side of the hydra, stuck to some flaming, disintegrating web, and an instant later, Mischief and Magnus, the former clinging to the webbing and the hydra’s side and the latter with his arms and legs around the hydra’s tail as it flails.

“Don’t- worry- got- it!” Magnus’s shout is already fading as the hydra barrels into the woods.

“Magnus, it has the jar!” Taako yells, scrambling to his feet as the fighter disappears, panic for the first time punctuating his words and piercing the air like the lightning around them.

“What!”

“Magnus, it has the jar stuck to its left side. Don’t bite your tongue off replying.” Davenport speaks evenly, clearly, pointing in the direction of the vanishing hydra.

Whispered but clear as day, Taako hears, “Roger- Cap-‘n-port! And- I- would- WHOA WHOA WHOA!”

As reassuring as that most definitely is not, Taako starts forward, “We gotta-” He stops as the behir lets out another hair-raising roar. Right. That little problem.

“_You_… are a DRAGON!” The behir screams the last word, and Taako whips around to see the monster unblinkingly staring down Carey Fangbattle, millennia-old enmity in its sparking electric blue eyes. “You are an ENEMY!”

“Ha. Ha.” Carey’s nervous laugh carries over the dead silent clearing. “Um. Actually. It’s lizard girl?”

Taako clamps his hands over his ears at the responding, resounding, rage-filled roar before the behir’s head shoots forward, seizing Carey in its jaws before it sets off running after the hydra.

“That’s- that’s my wife!” Killian is on her feet again after dodging out of the hydra’s path and sprints and- when the _fuck_ had she grabbed the fallen Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom? Taako doesn’t get the opportunity to ask her as the fighter launches herself through the air, grabbing onto the behir just as it reaches the tree line.

In moments, they too are gone, and gaining distance besides.

“Right. How are we going after them? Everyone have transportation?” Davenport, as always, thrives on crisis management, and, nowhere near for the first time, Taako finds himself intensely grateful for that. And Davenport is right. Which means Taako has work to do. “Taako?”

It isn’t Taako who answers.

“Yo.” Garyl tosses his iridescent rainbow mullet mane and looks around. “This a convention of spectral steeds or something? Are there spectral oats?”

“Chucklefucks, Garyl. Garyl, most of the people making my life harder right now.”

“Garyl!” Merle flies over, already astride the Vroom Broom. Behind him, Taako can see Davenport and Orla on Davenport’s distinctly non-binicorn Phantom Steed (doesn’t even have the mullet), Roan and Stormbright on an actual flying carpet, and an excited Narcelia and a queasy-looking Kevin atop a giant spider. Seems like everyone is good to go. Which means- “Hey, buddy, it’s been a while, and-” -Taako’s good getting the fuck out of here.

“Yeah, we’re gonna go now.” Taako doesn’t wait for Merle to finish, instead urging Garyl into a gallop after the monsters.

“Later, little man!” Garyl shouts back at Merle as they race off.

“Less talking, more running,” Taako directs briskly.

“Can we get some spectral oats after?”

Taako snorts. “Only if I don’t fuckin’ _die._”

Behind him, Taako can hear Davenport’s Phantom Steed running and Merle exclaiming every few seconds as he runs into a branch on the Vroom Broom. He catches a glimpse as Roan and Stormbright fly overhead and through the trees thinks he spots Narcelia’s giant spider.

But with Garyl, Taako is far and away the fastest. And soon the sounds of renewed fighting meet his ears, and the woods ahead lighten as Taako approaches the far side of the rainforest. He has to be getting close now. Has to just get that fuckin’ jar back and then wreck shop. No problem, Taako is a baller wizard, and the whole world fuckin’ knows it, he affirms to himself as Garyl breaks through the tree line, rearing up as they reach the cliff, and- there! A flash of lightning flaring off of cobalt blue scales and the scream of a hydra in pain.

“There!”

“Hell yeah, let’s go!” Garyl is already turning and climbing up, up, up along the cliff line that reaches around the bay.

Taako is focused, scanning the trees, ears twitching as he listens, hearing alternately monstrous screams and roars, exclamations and cries from friends and former foes.

“Whoa!” Killian stumbles backward out of the trees and into view, Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom at the ready. As Taako and Garyl fly onward, for once into the fray, she sees them out of the corner of her eye. Killian whips her head around to face them, horror dawning on her face. “Taako, wait, get out of the-”

The trees next to Taako explode outward in a storm of shattered branches and falling leaves as the hydra is bodily flung out, colliding with Taako and Garyl with a colossal impact. Garyl disappears in an instant as Taako’s concentration is snapped. Gasping as the breath is knocked from his lungs, Taako is flung outward like a ragdoll, away from the trees, away from the hydra, away from the cliff itself, thrown into freefall over the mouth of the bay.

Taako doesn’t have time to brace himself, doesn’t have time to cast as he hurtles down, down, down. Chest still aching, he scarcely has time for the smallest gasp of air before this too is knocked from him as Taako slams into the surface of the water. The sharp pain of saltwater flooding his nose and airways knocks back the all-over ache of the hit and the fall, and Taako’s mind snaps to work even as he continues sinking down, down, down.

Taako’s hands frantically scramble, clawing through the water as though for purchase, as though he might climb out of this. Instead, he finds a handful of fabric, curiously slick under the surface of the water.

As he raises the hood of the Cloak of the Manta Ray over his head, Taako finally manages to take a deep breath, stilling for the moment in the quiet under the surface of the water. That’s one problem solved. “Can’t believe this shit was finally useful.” Taako’s words come out warbled and distorted, a stream of bubbles into the sea. The Cloak of the Manta Ray not only allows him to breathe; it seems to allow better vision under the water, even enough to see as a passing fish seems to shoot him a look of disdain. “Now to get the fuck out of here.”

Taako carefully spins, looking for any kind of easy way to get himself out of the fucking ocean. He rotates himself around, looking out through what must be the mouth of the bay and pauses, arms and legs going still. With his underwater vision enhanced, he could almost swear that he sees something… moving. Something truly massive, like a moving landmass.

All at once, the clouds above must shift, and sunlight hits the water. And out of the gloom, out of the depths of the open ocean, ancient and gargantuan and headed straight in Taako’s direction, Taako sees a Dragon Turtle.

A rapid flurry of bubbles rises to the surface of the ocean as Taako shouts, “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ _kidding me_!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, part 2!
> 
> It's here it's here it's finally DONE! Well, this chapter at least. As you may be able to guess from where this one ended, there are some shenanigans yet left to go.
> 
> First, shout out and my most heartfelt gratitude to Sanvi for all your help both on this fic as a whole and on this absolute monstrosity (ha see what I did there) of a fight scene in particular.
> 
> Second, yeah, life is still pretty crazy, given the ongoing pandemic and other current events. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long, maybe some time in October? Ideally? Don't hold me to that, please. Best way to get updates is to subscribe or go message me on tumblr.
> 
> Third, if you'll indulge a quick story. I take you back, friendos, to roughly May of 2018. I had a grand total of like three TAZ fics up on ao3 and did not know what I would become (more of a gremlin than usual, to clarify). And I had the idea for a high seas adventure where thb would meet up with Davenport to go fight some pirates and look for treasure, and Team Sweet Flips, coincidentally on their honeymoon in that town, would decide that that sounded a whole lot more fun than some of their honeymoon activities. I started writing it, including a scene where a druid knocked Taako off the ship with Tidal Wave. Fast forward a month, and I'm sitting in a theater in San Francisco (stop me if you've figured out where I'm going) and listening to Griffin weave a tale of a high seas adventure with thb, Davenport, and frankly a far cooler plot than I had.
> 
> So, I scrapped it. And when I started writing this fic, and when I was planning out parts of the quest and what needed doing, that idea came up again, so this is me finally writing that idea and putting the pirate ghosts to bed. Y'all, I've been waiting two years to knock Taako into the ocean.
> 
> As always, kudos and comment to feed your local lich; bookmark and subscribe for updates; and check out my works page or [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com/) for more content!


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